TresSugar

You Asked: Did My Boyfriend Cheat?

DearSugar — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:17:05 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I went to the doctor today to find out why I was experiencing a painful breakout on my nether regions, and it turns out I have herpes. I have been with only one man for the last two years, and he is the only man I have ever had intercourse with.

I had a serious talk with him today, and he told me that before we started dating, he got tested for every STI, and they all came back negative. I'm so confused because from what I have read online, the initial outbreak usually happens within two to four weeks of contraction, but we have been together for more than two years! Did he cheat? Has this infection laid dormant in him for years? I am scared and confused. Any advice would be a great comfort to me right now. - Taken Aback Abbie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Taken Aback Abbie,

You are right, the first outbreak of genital herpes usually happens within two weeks after it's contracted, so I'm a little wary of your boyfriend's honesty. It is possible for someone not to know he has the infection - sores can often be present in places where they can't easily be seen - but if he was tested two years ago and got a negative result, it's pretty obvious that he's contracted this STI since then; in other words, he most likely did cheat on you.

Unfortunately, what's done is done, and I'm terribly sorry that you've been put in this situation, but now you have to decide how to proceed. Obviously you need to have another serious talk with your boyfriend, but I also suggest you get tested for other STIs and talk to you doctor about medication and treatment options for the herpes you do have.

I know that you're scared right now, and I wouldn't be surprised if you start to experience feelings of betrayal and sadness too, so turn to your loved ones for support. Good luck to you.

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: How Can I Move on From This Betrayal?

DearSugar — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Betrayed Becky need your help. She was hurt by her ex and her best friend and she doesn't know what to do. She misses them both but is still devastated by their actions. Do you have any advice for her?

Dear Sugar,

I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago, but we have been in contact ever since. I ended things with him because I never really trusted him. He's disappointed me multiple times throughout our one-and-a-half year relationship, and I just knew he wasn't the one for me in the long run.

I couldn't bear to break up with him so I lied and said I didn't believe in marriage (it's his dream to get married), and that prompted him to break up with me. Despite all that, I still miss him and love him.

However, recently I heard that my ex got together with my best friend the very day after we broke up! I was shocked - I felt betrayed, angry and used. When I confronted my ex about this, he denied it. But when I confronted my "best friend," she confirmed it. I sent various angry emails to my ex, one moment forgiving him, another scolding him. Now all we have is sourness and bitterness, but at times, I still think of him and sometimes I still miss her.

How do I get over this betrayal and anger I feel? Is there any way I could rectify my friendship with my ex, or with my friend? And should I? - Betrayed Becky

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Spotting a Lie

DearSugar — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 10:00:00 -0700

For some people, lying is practically impossible, while for others, spouting a few untruths is almost too easy. But unless someone is a pathological liar, you'll probably see their deception spelled out in their body language and behavior. The October issue of Self has a few great pointers on how to recognize when you’re being totally duped. I've listed them here and added on my own suggestions too!

Emotions will appear on someone’s face. So watch their expression closely to see if it matches what they’re saying.
The eyes say more than you think. In fact if they seem motionless or neutral, it’s likely that the person isn’t truly behind what they’re saying.
A reaction that comes on strong and disappears just as fast is likely to be false. True emotions linger.
When you think someone is spinning lies, take note of their hand movement. If they're fibbing, you're likely to see a decrease in gestures.

To see my additions just read more.

For me, one of the greatest indicators that someone is lying is if they seem to be talking in circles. If you get the sensation that someone is tugging you around, they probably are.
Unless you’re terrible at picking up on vibes, it should be pretty easy to tell if a particular topic makes someone uncomfortable. This doesn’t mean they’re directly lying, but it could mean they’re omitting the truth, so beware.
I know I say it all the time, but I'm going to say it again: listen to your instincts! There’s a reason you feel like someone is lying, so don't just disregard that feeling in your gut.

So let me ask you: Have you ever caught someone in a lie?

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Whose Betrayal Is Worse?

DearSugar — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Like many of you, I saw The Women this weekend. While I was pretty disappointed with the movie overall, the film did bring up some interesting topics. Without giving too much away, all the characters come together to support Mary, played by Meg Ryan, whose high profile husband of 13 years cheats on her. Though they are all on her side, Mary's best friend Sylvie ends up selling her story to the press in order to save her job. When the source of the story is revealed, already broken Mary tells Sylvie that her betrayal was far worse than that of her cheating husband's. The deception from both is no doubt heart-breaking, but the notion of a best friend's bad faith stinging more than that of a significant other's really got me thinking. As someone that values friendship like family, I can completely sympathize with Mary's pain but ladies, tell me, do you think the betrayal of a friend hurts more than the betrayal of a lover?

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Group Therapy: She Wants Whatever I Want

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I have a cousin who tends to go after every guy I happen to be interested in. Even if the guy likes me, she will run after him until she manages to get him. She and I were pretty close at one point, but after how she acts now, I feel like I just want her to leave me alone. In fact, currently she's in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I'm really into a guy from college. We're not really dating, but we talked online all Summer - I was out of state visiting my parents for the break - and he asked me to go on an official date with him now that school is back in session.

But I just found out that somehow my cousin stole his email from my phone, and she's been talking to him online behind my back. She's starting college at the same university, and I feel like she's going to strike again, and ruin another relationship of mine. I don't know what's wrong with her. We were best friends, and now she keeps hurting me. What can I do? I don't want to lose this guy, and I don't want to keep being betrayed by my family.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: I Keep Turning My Friends Into Enemies!

DearSugar — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Lately I've been feeling like I'm turning my friends into my enemies whenever they do something bad to me. I guess you can say that I don't know how to forgive and forget. I used to treasure my friendships so much until one incident in high school where my best friend ditched me for another friend. I know it sounds very elementary school, but it still hurts.

I've since let go of the "friends forever" belief and end up completely shutting people out of my life whenever I feel double crossed. Now my friendships are few and far between and I'm upset because I no longer have that special bond with someone. I really don't want this mentality to follow me through adulthood but how can I change the way I view my current friendships? - Overly Sensitive Sandra

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Having a friendship go sour can be just as devastating as breaking up with a lover. The feelings of loss and betrayal are very similar so I completely understand your position, but just because one friend chose someone to call her BFF instead of you, it doesn't mean that all of your friendships will have the same outcome.

Turning your friends into enemies is a clear defense mechanism, but building walls and hurting someone else before they hurt you won't solve anything. People make mistakes, and your friends will probably hurt your feelings many times along the way, but that's what makes them human! I can almost guarantee that you're not perfect either so if you keep the lines of communication open with your friends, chances are you can work through whatever misunderstandings come your way.

I'm someone that cherishes my friendships like family, but I can tell you firsthand that all friendships have their highs and lows. Sure, it can hurt when you feel left out or feel second best, but remember, good friends will be there for you no matter what. Talk out your fears and try to give people the benefit of the doubt. It might take some time to build up your trust levels, but once you do, you'll be happy you did.

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Sunday Confessional: My Entire Family Lied to Me

DearSugar — Sun, 25 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

I'm the baby of my family with two older sisters. My Parents have been married for 30 years, and we've all been very close my entire life. I won't go into the details, but I recently found out my mom was cheating on my dad. I was utterly devastated and immediately went to my sisters to seek comfort. Surprisingly, they didn't react the way I was expecting. I was full of anger, but they seemed to be more understanding.

Eventually after a lot of prying and crying, they revealed that my father had an affair with some woman for nearly a decade. Apparently things had come out about five years ago when I was still in high school - I do remember a strange time during my junior year, but I didn't put things together. My sisters had talked about it with both my parents, but they had all decided not to tell me. Obviously my mom chose to stay, and I think the same will be said of my dad after this new turn in events, though apparently their relationship is more "open" then I realized.

Ever since my sisters broke the news to me, I feel like everything I had ever thought about my family was the exact opposite. I can't believe that my parents were willing to put our family through this, and I'm terribly angry with my sisters for collaborating with them to keep this lie going for so long. I have never felt more naive and hurt. They've all tried to contact me, but I feel so much hate towards them right now, I just can't let them in. I don't know what to do. Should I try to learn to forget their terrible betrayal and forgive them?

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Sunday Confessional: I Accused My Friend of Something She Didn't Do

DearSugar — Sun, 04 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

A few months ago, my husband and I decided to separate with the intention of divorcing. We have many mutual friends including one girl who used to date one of my husband's best friends. They've since broken up, but I had become very close with her even though she's more than a decade younger than me. A couple weeks into our separation, my husband came to me and told me that this girl had tried to seduce him. He gave a very convincing account, and I was shocked and felt terribly betrayed.

But I didn't handle my feelings properly, and instead, I began to attack her via nasty text messages and comments on MySpace. I even convinced some of our mutual friends to completely cut her off. A few days ago one of my husband's male friends came to me in confidence and told me that his admission about my friend hitting on him was a lie that he made up to protect himself. The fact is that as soon as we separated, he headed to her house and tried to seduce her. When she turned him down, he fabricated the other story before she could get back to me and tell me what really happened.

At first I didn't want to believe his friend, but I knew in my gut that it was true. I confronted my husband and he confirmed it. I've now tried to contact my friend and apologize, but she'll have nothing to do with me. I realize that I acted fairly immature, and should have talked to her about it before resorting to such mean and hurtful tactics, but I was completely convinced by my soon to be ex-husband. I know we may never be friends again, but the guilt of what I did is still eating away at me. Can I ever be forgiven for my attacks and accusations?

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You Asked: My Ex Lied to Me About His Sexual History

DearSugar — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I was with my ex-boyfriend for 11 months, and we had sex after six. I was a virgin at the time and didn't feel ready to have sex yet. He had told me that he was also a virgin, and we had numerous talks about how I believed premarital sex was wrong; his view was that if it was with the right person for the right reasons, it couldn't be wrong. In the end, we had sex, and over time I became comfortable with the idea of it and my views on premarital sex changed.

Eventually we broke up because I could sense he wasn't right for me - I caught him telling white lies a lot, and he was constantly sharing the more intimate details of our relationship with his friends. After a few months had passed, we decided to try being friends again. Everything was going great, until he informed me that he had lied when he said he was a virgin. Even though it's been months since our breakup, it still hurts to hear that; I feel betrayed and used.

Apparently he felt guilty about lying to me and wanted to come clean. Now he's asking for forgiveness, and I don't know what to do. I've never felt more disrespected and stupid. How do I deal with this?

- Lied to Lila

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Lied to Lila,

I don't blame you for feeling betrayed! He lied to you in order to take advantage of something that you were obviously unsure about, and in my book, there's absolutely no excuse for that. While I tend to be a big believer in the notion that nothing is unforgivable, this particular lie and admission don't say much about his character. If you need to forgive him in order to process this, then I think you should, but forgiveness aside, I'd be wary when considering him your friend.

While I can't say whether or not your ex has changed in the few months since you've broken up, my best bet is that he hasn't. And even if he has made some changes, admitting that he lied to you before doesn't suddenly make lying in the first place OK. I think you need to tell him what you told me- that what he did was wrong, and you feel betrayed and used. In the meantime, remind yourself that you can't control others' actions. It's upsetting that he lied to you, but try to avoid looking back on your time together as a mistake; rather, consider it a personal learning experience.

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You Asked: I'm Being Left Out

DearSugar — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been dating this guy for four years now. I currently live in the city in which he was born and raised; I moved here just prior to meeting him. He has a number of friends of which I have never met. I have always wanted to get to know them, but he's been very weird about it. He is continuing to make new friends, but sees no reason to tell me about them or introduce them to me. As it turns out, most of them are other females. I feel shut out and betrayed!

I don't think he's cheating on me, but I just don't understand why he doesn't talk about them with me. I have tried to talk to him about this on occasion, but it always ends up as an argument. At this point, I don't even bother bringing it up anymore, but it still hurts me. Do you have any advice for helping me deal with this?

- Left Out Lily

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more.

Dear Left Out Lily,

After four years together, it's very strange that your boyfriend won't let you meet his friends, male or female. I don't blame you for being upset; I would be, too. Although I can't provide you with a logical explanation as to why your boyfriend keeps you so separate from his friends, I do think it's cause for concern - especially since it's obviously bothering you so much. First of all, determine what will truly make you feel better. Do you just need him to acknowledge your feelings? Do you need to meet one of his friends? Get the details of their visits together? Or is it some combination of all these things? Once you've figured this out, it will make it much easier to discuss it with him.

As with most relationship problems, communication is key. Talk to him again, but instead of asking why he's leaving you out, tell him how you're feeling. You're betrayed, sad, and confused and he needs to understand that, which he won't if he's too busy defending his reasoning. Once you've revealed your emotions surrounding this issue, tell him in no uncertain terms what it will take to make you feel more comfortable. If your boyfriend still won't oblige, I think it might be time to take a step back and examine your relationship very closely. Good luck!

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