TresSugar

E. Jean Is Back, Offering Advice to a Woman Who Hates Her Man's Scent!

DearSugar — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I'm a lawyer who is seeing a kind, generous, sweet, gainfully-employed man. But in conversations with friends, I refer to him as a "smothering barnacle." I also actively avoid kissing him, can’t stand the way he smells, and his baby kisses on my forehead make me want to scratch his eyes out.

I'm almost 37, never been married, and he is a great guy, but he smells so bad (to me) that I can’t bear to be near him, though he'd probably smell irresistible to some other gal who actually loved him. Do I break up with the best guy who's ever come along? - Texas Attorney

To see E. Jean's answer, read more.

Texas, My Trollymog,

Though 99.9 percent of the Dears are dying to tell you to get RID of the fellow (and are ready to strangle me for even running this question) . . . I quite like him. He doth reeketh a whiff? So what? That scent he's wearing is called "eau de employed." In this economy, honey, you may have forgotten what a man who holds a job actually smells like.

And come on, Miss Dainty Doily, how over-refined have you Texas attorneys become? Since when does a little tang banish "the best guy who's ever come along?"

Grab him by the ears and say, "Dude. Kill the baby smooches. I’m gonna show you how I like to be kissed." And when he leans in to begin the lesson, hold up your hand, smile and whisper: "Ahhhhhh - not so fast, you bewitching animal! Your man scent is a little too intoxicating for me. So look what I found . . . " And here hand him a box of hand-soaps, shampoos, and aftershaves. (If you're the high-strung Gossip Girl type - and aren't we all? - drive home your point by removing the top from the aftershave, sniffing and staggering backwards with your hand fluttering at your heart. He'll get the picture.)

A woman can always - always! - improve a "kind, generous, sweet" man because he wants to please you. Indeed, I once scrubbed down one of my husbands in vinegar and drove him around with his head hanging out the window till he dried off.

P.S. If you've washed him up and still want to wash him out, re-gift him to the ladies on GreatBoyfriends.com and chalk it up to a bad case of the "McClintocks." Martha McClintock, PhD, of the University of Chicago, has discovered that you're a sucker for gentlemen who smell like you do, but not exactly like you do; and you go wild for a fellow who smells like your dad, but not precisely like your dad. The theory is you will choose a mate with an immune system which will give your offspring a better chance in life.

But to hell with Martha! You have 50 or 60 years worth of olfactory foul-ups and fun in front of you.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean: Because of You, I'm Not Getting Lingerie!

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 15:00:00 -0800

To honor Valentine's Day, I wanted to revisit this awesome E. Jean post that will be perfect for those of you who are big lingerie fans!

Dear E. Jean,

I have been wanting my husband to buy me lingerie since we have been together. Never once has that happened. I’ve done everything I can think of and have been frustrated that he hasn’t.

It has been ingrained in him for years that buying lingerie for your partner is wrong and will end in disaster. He has specifically directed me to interviews and statements by you, E. Jean. Below is part of one such interview you did on CNN:
CARROLL: “That's right. Do not give that lady lingerie because if YOU (the guy) like it, I guarantee she (the woman) won't. She gets that box, and says ‘how nice.’ But she's thinking in the back of her mind, ‘I'm going to open it up, it's going to be red net undies.’ And then when she sees it, she knows the guy expects her to put those on and cavort around like Janet Jackson at the halftime show. It is bad. No women likes that.
SOLEDAD O'BRIEN: So, don't give lingerie at all?
CARROLL: No.
O'BRIEN: Even though everyone thinks it's sexy, it's not sexy at all?
CARROLL: Nobody wants it. You pull out the pushup bra, your chest is up to here. It's horrible.

E. Jean! I’d like to say, speak for yourself, you do not speak for me and I know for a fact there are other women who adore knowing their partner will spend the time to shop and pick out something sexy, beautiful, and romantic that they would like to share with their partner in their intimacy. Your all-inclusive comments are inappropriate. How dare you suggest you would know what “all” women want? You make it harder for all the many that don’t fall into your bubble of an idea
- I Want Lingerie!

To see E. Jean's answer read more

My Darling,
I was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!
Not to mention dense, narrow-minded, pea-brained, and dumb. For although I think that men have to be out of their minds to even attempt to buy me that tasty, little crotch-free trick teddy with matching fingertip gloves, black-velvet wrist bows, and blindfold - and although the last thing I want to see in a box is pair of eerie fishnet underpants with their lewd little puckered-leg holes staring up at me - and although I have nothing but the most hideous memories of being presented with a fancy undergarment that when I put it on, cut off my circulation and made me look like I had bound myself with piano wires - you, madam, know what you want. And by god! We’re going to get it for you!

Show your husband this post IMMEDIATELY. I have something to say to him:
Hello there, sir! E. Jean, the-Heinous-Know-It-All here. Go buy your girl some lingerie! Better yet, go together. She’s a lovely, smart woman, and deserves the best! Happy Valentine’s Night to you both!

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean: How Do I Explain My Extreme Shyness?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 10:00:20 -0800

Dear E. Jean,

Whenever I meet a girl I don't know, I suffer from truly spectacular social awkwardness. It's difficult for me to function at any level, including breathing. The result: I'm 40, and I've never had a girlfriend. Never even come close. I've gone out on three dates in my life, each one a disaster. It didn't help that I lived at home into my mid-30s - way too long, I now realize. I'm trying to change my life. I've moved out, bought a house, and have been working hard to overcome my shyness. I've begun having conversations with people I don’t know well. To my immense relief, I'm getting better with practice.

So the question is, now that I'm working up the courage to begin dating, how and when do I tell someone about my odd case history without throwing them for a loop or appearing to be way too peculiar and turning them off completely? Yes, I'm also worried that I'll make every other dating faux pas in the book, but one problem at a time. (Please, please, please no 40-year-old virgin jokes.) - Self-Conscious Enough as It Is

To read E. Jean's advice, read more.

Self, My Swordsman,

I beg your pardon. Did you say . . . three? Only three disasters, sir? Hell, there are hundreds of social catastrophes for you to enjoy. Get ready. Here are your five steps to victory:

Lay Plans: Go to your local church and sign an "abstinence pledge." Statistics show you will lose your virginity within seconds after leaving the building.
Know Your Weak Points: Don't date. It will kill your social life.
Vary Your Tactics: Instead, go to meetup.com. It's genius! Scroll through the dozens of inspiring, egg-heady, wild, world-bettering get-togethers in your area and choose a group that you like. (Yes, there are "virgins" meetups, not to mention the "Beltway Atheists." And if you don't join a group that is at least half women, I'm going to come to your town and hold a meetup called "Bang Jim.") Then all you have to do is show up. Shake hands. Share a beer. No pressure. Make friends of all ages and both sexes.
Wage the PR War: Your story: single guy, a bit shy, good job, owns his own home, no baggage.
Allow Yourself to Be Conquered. And when you get effed-up and shaky in the middle of a conversation-excellent! Most young ladies will walk over their own grandmothers to find a man who will listen to them. (Sun Tzu says the warrior who "gathers the highest intelligence" achieves the "greatest results.") So don’t worry. Wear something handsome, look her in the eye, ask a question, listen, throw out a compliment, ask another question, and in a few weeks you’ll be poking like blazes! Good luck!

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: We've Both Gained the Newlywed 15 - Help!

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 14:00:00 -0800

Dear E. Jean,

My husband and I have been married one year and we're very much in love. What's the problem? We're getting fat and we blame each other! Instead of the Freshman 15, we’ve each put on the Newlywed 15 in less than a year. We’ve tried dieting together, but we fall back into bad eating habits during times of stress or celebration. My husband is a fan of the low-carb diet; I don’t think a life without carbs is worth living. He likes lifting weights and running; I prefer yoga. It’s impossible!

But no matter what E. Jean, we’re too attractive to let ourselves go! I haven’t been feeling as confident as I used to, and this affects our marriage in more ways than one. When I feel badly about myself I can’t give my husband the attention he deserves. We should be feeling frisky and sexy, not flabby and irritable! Help! - Fat and Unhappy in Houston

To see E. Jean's answer read more.

E. Jean to Houston,

Darling, I’d like to see you and your husband try to keep the weight on after you have a whirl at this. (I’m a moron for not thinking of this years ago!)

Go to Flaab.com. Decide how much money it’s worth to each of you to get rid of the 15 pounds forever - $15? $50? $150? $500? (I know people who’ve spent $5,000 a year since the Reagan Administration trying to lose the same 20 pounds.) Decide the date by which you want to lose the weight. Then tell Auntie Eeee the name of your husband’s ex-girlfriend. Because Auntie Eeee is going to send her the money if you don’t lose the weight.

Yes, and to make doubly certain you don’t "fall back into bad eating habits," the note I’m sending to the ex-girlfriend (along with your money) will say you’re such a delightful dingbat that you want her - the ex-girlfriend - to take your husband out to dinner because you’re no longer feeling "frisky and sexy" and can’t lose 15 pounds. (By the way, the note I’d be sending to your ex-boyfriend because your husband can’t lose the pounds is even more entertaining.)

Of course, you’ll get the money back if you do lose the weight; not that you’ll be able to look at food again. And if there are no exes in the case, you can name a horrid ex-boss, a mean girl from high school, or a nasty political group like Kill the Whales.

So let’s do it. The $40 billion-a-year diet industry has wasted everyone’s bread long enough! You can help feed the world’s hungry by stipulating that the United Nations Food Programme receives a percentage of the money you put down. My friend, Kenneth Shaw, a brainiac economics guy out of Stanford, has made the site so simple (no pictures! no bilge!) it’s almost Google-esque.

And best of all? On Flaab.com, you can maintain your svelte self by stipulating that the cash will go to your husband’s ex (the guy who stole your promotion, a puppy mill, etc) if you gain a pound back. Enjoy!

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Best of 2008: Ask E. Jean For DearSugar

DearSugar — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 08:00:00 -0800

We've been lucky enough to have my hero, E. Jean Carroll, guest write for DearSugar for two years now, and I can't wait to see what she has in store for us in '09! You may not always agree with her advice, but she sure knows how to bring some spice and flavor to site. In case you missed any of her posts, check out my five favorites from 2008 below:

Is your favorite post listed? If not, tell us what it is!

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: I'm Happy, But Not Sexually Pleased

E Jean Carroll — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 13:30:00 -0800

Dear E. Jean,

I’m 25 and have been with my boyfriend, a perfect gentleman, two years. In the beginning everything seemed wonderful; and things are still great except for the sex. We just can’t get it right these days. Either we have sex and it ends in disaster (over too quickly), or we make no attempts to do it at all.

I mean he tries to make "moves," but I usually reject him because I’m no longer turned on (mainly because I know how fast it will be over.) I can count on a few fingers the times I’ve had an orgasm with him in this two-year relationship! Aside from the sex we’re pretty fabulous together. He wants me to be happy; but I’m starting to feel desperate. We plan to marry next year! - Pleased, But Not Satisfied

To see E. Jean's answer read more.

But Not, My Blossom,

My God! Has the man never heard of oral sex? Give him Dr. Ian Kerner’s She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman and hold a vibrator to his head until he reads the entire chapter called, "The Tongue Is Mightier than the Sword." After that ask him what he likes. It’s time you both develop sexy curiosity and open minds.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: I Adore My Friend, But So Does Everyone Else!

DearSugar — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 11:00:17 -0800

Dear E. Jean,

I have a friend who's so beautiful that every man who crosses our path wants her. This is not paranoia. It's reality. Even movie stars gawk at her on the street - ugh! More cases in point? My ex casually asked me if she was dating anyone, my current ex joked about a three-way, and a man who's been pursuing me for a year has suddenly shifted his interest to her after he met her at a dinner party.

She's funny, charming, and doesn't dress slutty (we're both casual and conservative). I don't have animosity toward her - I adore her - and I'm sure I'm supposed to learn something from this, but what? I'm not unattractive, but now that I'm newly single, I know that every guy who's interested in me won't be once he meets her. I feel like a walking consolation prize. Why is she so irresistible? And what can I do about it? - The Leftover

To see what E. Jean has to say, read more.

Left, My Lovely: Oh please. If the lady's such a vexation, don't be seen in public with her. As it is, I've probably received two or three letters from your friends complaining that you are the irresistible one.

This is the hard truth about makeovers, Miss Leftover. We're all the pretty one/ugly one depending on 1.) who we’re with and 2.) how chock-full of good old-fashioned confidence we are. You love her, however, so if she's as ravishing on the inside as she is on the outside, well then . . . since she has the power to keep men on the boil, don’t fight it, use it, Miss Left! Let her bring 'em on! When the lads stampede, simply sweep up the shy ones floundering in her wake. And once you've met someone, for godssakes, don't be stupid. Keep the dude away from her.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Should I Take the Job For the Money?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 10:30:00 -0800

Dear E. Jean,

I've received an unusual job offer: boxing ring girl. What do you think? The pay is $1,000 a match, and I could really use it. But I can’t decide if walking around a ring is something I'd look at in a different light if I didn’t need the money. I'd be in a bikini or cutoff t-shirts and what they call "booty shorts." I'm very comfortable with my body, but I don't know how I'd feel with 5,000 men there. - Knock Out

To see E. Jean's answer, read more.

Knock-Knock Sweetheart,

Did you say . . . riiiiiing girl!? Auntie Eeee is celebrated for her gentility, but if she could grease up like a stick of butter and bump and grind around a ring holding up a card while wearing nothing but her underpants, it might do wonders for her spiritual life.

But $1,000 sounds a bit off. I called the fabled fight promoter Cedric Kushner, CEO of Gotham Boxing Inc. Mr. Kushner said that for local "cup shows," young ladies receive $100-$125 per night and "for the big title bouts at Caesars Palace and Madison Square Garden, the rate is $150-$200." So somebody, my dear, is pulling your booty shorts.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Am I an Online Dating Dud?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 06:00:00 -0800

E. Jean is still enjoying her time off, but don't fret, she'll be back December 4th! In the meantime, here's an oldie but goodie. Enjoy!

Dear E. Jean,

I know I’m old-fashioned, but I’ve never tried any of the dating sites. It is now time. Past time! (I’m 30 years old and haven’t had a date in seven months. Awk.)

Ok. So. I put my profile on Match.com. I worked hard trying to sound smart and funny and cool. Believe it or not, I was frightened I was going to get inundated with guys I didn’t want to talk to . . . and guess what? No guys - not one guy - wrote to me. Nothing! I’m just sitting there. What am I doing wrong? I feel like I should take my profile down! This is not for me! My friends get tons of notice and meet lots of guys, and one of my friends even married a guy she met on The Onion personals. I don’t get it. Help! - Dead on Match

To see E. Jean's answer, read more.

Dead, My Daffodil: Come, come, my darling! Buck up! With just one magic tweak to your profile (and I wish you had given us a link), you will be meeting three chaps for coffee by next weekend - guaranteed.

First, forget your profile. Second, don’t worry about coming off as “smart and funny and cool.” Third: It does not matter what you say; it’s all about your picture. If your picture is charming (intriguing, bewitching), guys will want to meet you.

So hire hair and makeup, bring in a stylist, and pay a professional photographer to take your picture. (Or, ask your chic friends for help.) I’m serious. Why do you think the women in Elle, Glamour, Vogue, and W look so enticing? They spend hours getting ready and then hundreds (and hundreds and hundreds) of shots are fired. Gilles Bensimon, who shoots the Elle covers, will shoot an entire afternoon chasing the “perfect” image. You should do no less.

Then, for Gawd’ssakes, don’t write a profile; tell a story. Keep it short, thrilling, warm, and a tad elusive. And why are you waiting for guys to write to you? If you see a lad you like, drop him an email. Mention something delicious that caught your attention about his picture (or his favorite movies, books, etc.) and voila! A raucous courtship can begin with a sedate exchange about butterfly hunting. Good Luck, Miss Dead! Let us all know how it’s going!

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: Should I Let My Sister Move in With a Republican?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 15:30:00 -0800

E. Jean is still enjoying her vacation, but not to worry, she'll be back in two weeks! In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this oldie but goodie!
Dear E. Jean,
This is about an awful man, thankfully not mine. My beloved sister is stylish, cute, well-educated, and recently managed to lose 60 pounds. Naturally once she got a rockin’ bod, she became a dude magnet. And he’s horrible! Eeee Jean! We are a family of food lovers, and his favorite restaurant is Chili's! He has an elite education, but he’s grossly overweight, knows a lot of lame trivia, and is a very conservative Republican with hideous taste. Her friends don’t like him, her family does not like him, but she is moving to a red state with him. No not red - crimson. Ew. No one has the guts to tell her he sucks, but nobody wants her trapped in a marriage with Mr. Ickington. What should I/my family do? - Nosy But Lovin Lil’ Sis

To see E. Jean's answer read more

Nosy, My Dear Niwit,

Oh, please. I don’t care if it is Dick Cheney she’s hot for. Let her be. Every woman, at least once in her life, should savor the delights of a Republican man. Anyway you can’t control her. Falling in love is like voting. Once your sister goes inside the booth and closes that curtain, she’s on her own.

P.S. And actually I’ve relished some excellent guacamole at Chili’s.

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.