TresSugar

Relationship Protocol: After a Fight, Who Apologizes First?

DearSugar — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 09:00:00 -0800

I've definitely been in a few relationships where it felt like I was always the one apologizing after an argument - even when I knew it wasn't actually me who was in the wrong. Let's face it: Some people just can't say, "I'm sorry" first, regardless of the circumstance. So how is it in your relationship? After a fight, who typically apologizes first?

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6 Wacky and Weird Stories From This Week

CitizenSugar — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 08:00:42 -0800

Texas High School Team Wants to Forfeit 100-0 Win A Texas high school girls basketball team wants to take a loss for its 100-0 blowout after apologizing to the losing team and calling the game "shameful and an embarrassment."
British Nut Fired For Contaminating Peanut-Free Plant A British factory worker has been accused of sprinkling peanuts around a "peanut-free" food plant.
Snowball Fight Ends in Arrest Students at East Carolina University were subjected to pepper spray and one student arrested after a huge snowball fight got out of control.
Putin Painting Goes For $1.1 Million Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin's sketch of a snowfall seen through a window, which was finished by a professional artist, went for $1.1 million at a charity auction.
Fishermen Survived Month at Sea in Icebox After their boat sank, two Myanmar fishermen survived almost a month in shark-infested waters by floating in a large icebox, in the middle of monsoon season.
Wal-Mart Worker Accused of Charging Low Prices After allegedly charging only $5.25 for more than $500 worth of goods, a Wal-Mart employee has been charged with embezzlement.

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Anatomy of a Gaffe: McCain Adviser's Quote Exposes Pattern

CitizenSugar — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 07:59:59 -0700

Controversial statements on the campaign trail are sparking a lighting-quick trend, the standard cycle of apology becoming an expected, relay-race reflex. Here's the most recent example: Charlie Black, a top adviser to John McCain, has apologized for this passage in a profile on McCain in Fortune magazine:

As would, Black concedes with startling candor after we raise the issue, another terrorist attack on U.S. soil. "Certainly it would be a big advantage to him," says Black.

As is usual in the current political climate, the problematic statement, that a terrorist attack would be an advantage to McCain, was followed quickly by an apology from the source, with Charlie Black saying:

I deeply regret the comments. They were inappropriate. I recognize that John McCain has devoted his entire adult life to protecting his country and placing its security before every other consideration.

The next step in the pattern follows the distancing by the candidate, with McCain saying:

I cannot imagine why he would say it. It's not true. I've worked tirelessly since 9/11 to prevent another attack on the United States of America.

With his campaign officially seconding that emotion. To see what happens next, read more.

Then, Act III of the modern political gaffe-gate, the rival's response and analysis. The Obama campaign says:

The fact that John McCain's top advisor says that a terrorist attack on American soil would be a 'big advantage' for their political campaign is a complete disgrace, and is exactly the kind of politics that needs to change. Barack Obama will turn the page on these failed policies and this cynical and divisive brand of politics so that we can unite this nation around a common purpose to finish the fight against al Qaeda.

It's a pattern fast becoming a foregone conclusion. Oops, Shun, Spin. Does the expectation of this progression, dilute the impact of the initial event? Does it neuter the apologizing and distancing by the candidate by its omnipresence? Are apologies in politics too numerous and quick to count? In this case, was the initial statement inaccurate or offensive?

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You Asked: Will We Ever Be Friends Again?

DearSugar — Wed, 07 May 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My best friend and I had a huge falling out over my birthday when she came back to our hometown. We never spoke again after that night - call it stubborn or call it "out of sight, out of mind," since she lives in San Diego and I'm in Hawaii. We were both drunk, and I said extremely hurtful things to her, as she did to me. It's been four months since our argument and I'm devastated. I miss my friend so much. I sent her an apology letter, but I'm afraid she won't respond or that she is over our friendship altogether. At the risk of sounding dramatic, this relationship means more to me than any male/boyfriend relationship ever has. I feel like my friend is my family and I am heartbroken. What should I do? - Crushed Casey

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Crushed Casey,

You do not sound dramatic at all! Fighting with your best friend can feel even worse than fighting with a boyfriend; I've been there so I can completely empathize with you. I think you've done the right thing by reaching out to her and apologizing. Friends fight, it's inevitable, but if you let things go too long, sometimes feuds, even unnecessary ones, can take on a life of their own and get completely out of control. So, that being said, you should feel good about stepping up to the plate and making the first move to mend things with her.

I'm not sure how long ago you sent the letter, but even if you know that she's received it, your friend might just need a little time to digest it and come up with her response. Chances are this is equally as painful for her as it is for you, so try not to assume the worst. If you're still anxious about it and just can't seem to let it go, I don't think there's anything wrong with giving her a call to follow up. At the end of the day Casey, all you can do is tell her that you're sorry and you love and miss her. If she needs more time to let the dust settle, you don't have a choice but to give it to her, but since she understandably means so much to you, I'd take every measure imaginable to salvage this relationship. Good luck.

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You Asked: Doesn't He Deserve a Second Chance?

DearSugar — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

Last week, I was at my boyfriend's home and we got into an argument. We were drinking and the fight escalated into a screaming match. He called me some terrible names and proceeded to get my family involved in our problem. That night, after I got home, he continued calling my mother and threatened her job. He also called her a name. After this situation, we broke up and didn't speak for over a week. I got angry that he never tried to apologize and swore that we would never be together again. I was angry and hurt. My mom was my shoulder.

Time passed, and he finally called to apologize to me after he had time to assess the situation. He also called my mother and wrote her a letter to apologize to her. However, my mother now refuses to have anything to do with him. She will not accept his calls or letters. This was an isolated incident and I am certain that he is deeply sorry. Though he can never take these words back, I am a forgiving person and do not want to throw away 2 years over one mistake. My mom is not swayed. Her opinion of him has changed entirely and she does not agree with me seeing him. We are not back together - we are giving it time to see if we are meant to be - but what should I do when the time comes to tell her we are working it out? Doesn't he deserve a second chance?

--Forgiving Frieda

To see DEARSUGAR's Answer read more

Dear Forgiving Frieda--

You have to understand that your mom is looking out for your physical and emotional safety. Ultimately, it is not up to her to "accept" your boyfriend, although I understand that that is what you hope. The thing is, he involved her in the fight too, and although he has apologized, for your mom it sounds like one explosive outburst was one too many.

If you forgive him deep in your heart, and chalk this up to a one-time thing, then I understand why you would still want to be with him. Are you at all concerned that he could lose his temper again? I am sure your mom is worried that could happen which is probably the reason why she does NOT want you two to be together.

For your mom to forgive him, it might take a long time, or she may never forgive him at all. He will have to prove he's worthy of her trust and forgiveness by treating you with the love and respect that you deserve. Continue to keep up the close relationship and open communication you have with your mother. Time is a great healer and hopefully your boyfriend will prove himself to both of you. Good luck!

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You Asked: Can We Bounce Back?

DearSugar — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been going out for going on five months now and were best friends for a year before that. Recently we got into a fight that just kept opening up new topics to fight about. Finally, it got to the point where he said he wasn't sure if we were going to last. He tried to justify it by saying he thinks this because of watching his sister's relationships. He also told me how he's scared for the future and I basically insinuate too much about us being together.

The next day after I cried all night, he apologized for everything. He told me how he loves me and needs me. I'm not sure if I'm quite over that comment though. Is it wrong for me to be upset about what he said? He seems to be more affectionate than before the fight, but I haven't been returning it and I think he notices. Should I bring the whole thing up again or let the subject drop? - Still Upset Stella

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Still Upset Stella,

I'm sorry you're fighting with your boyfriend, that can't be much fun. Once you open the can of worms it's easy to continue fighting with one another. I've been there, but you must figure out a way to work through it or else it's going to destroy your relationship. There's a reason why you're together, so get back to what brought you together in the first place. Of course, you're upset that he questioned your relationship, so have a heart to heart with him, express how his words hurt you and how you're still a bit bruised, but let him know you want to work through it all and make it work.

The fact that he's being more affectionate and making an effort to let you know how much he needs you leads me to believe he was just speaking out of emotions, and he let his feelings get the best of him. Try not to get too hung up on the past and remember that fights are healthy. Real relationships are not all wine and roses. At the end of the day, if you love each other, you can get through this rocky road. Keep the lines of communication as open as possible and remember that you love each other so try to fight fairly. I wish you luck Stella.

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The How-To Lounge: Turning Around a Blow-Out Fight

DearSugar — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 10:00:00 -0800

Sometimes a blow-out fight with your boyfriend can be a blessing in disguise. For some helpful tips on how to turn a fight into a learning experience, click here to read more

Fighting after you've been drinking is a sure fire way to have a blow out, so if you can, avoid pushing each other's buttons until the morning.
It's easy to talk in circles, especially when you're not seeing eye to eye on the issue at hand, so instead of debating until you're blue in the face, simply ask your boyfriend what it is you're missing or walk away to get some breathing room.
It's easy to get mad at someone, but getting to the deeper root of the problem is sometimes more difficult. If you have recurring arguments, get to the root of the issue once and for all. Knowing what the sore spot is will help you understand each other more and will help avoid future blow outs.
Admit when you're wrong. The power of a simple apology is extremely underrated so when you're in the wrong, own up to it; I guarantee he will appreciate it.
Although fighting is serious, breaking the tension if the timing is right is sometimes necessary. Don't mock or undermine the argument, but making a joke will prove that your relationship means more than simply winning an argument.
You really get to see someone's insecurities during a fight so talk about them with each other in order to get to know each other even better than you thought you did.
Try to avoid hitting below the belt and bringing up past fights. No matter how angry you are, it will behoove you to fight fairly.

I hope these tips help!

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Did I Upset Him That Much?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,
Last weekend I had a new guy over for dinner. I spent two days cleaning, one day cooking, and everything went fantastically until we started watching a movie after dessert and fooling around on the couch. I admit I had three cognacs, but as he was kissing me, I began laughing at the movie and at one point I started repeating some of the dialogue.

E. Jean, I couldn’t help myself. It was Dr. Strangelove. The guy is a movie buff and a big Kubrick fan! Anyway, once I started laughing, I couldn’t stop. I apologized about 50 times, but he got up abruptly, said "Thank you for dinner," made a dash for the front door . . . and left!

I got a text from him the next day that said "You’re the only woman I know who can cook like Martha Stewart and talk like Slim Pickens."

Obviously I hurt his ego. But must I remain totally silent when a guy starts making his moves on me? - Love Is Very Strange

To see E. Jean's answer, read more.

Miss Strange, My Pet,
No, indeed. I’m tired of men telling women what they may and may not do when snogging. It is perfectly proper for a young lady to sigh, snort softly, moan, whimper, mewl, twitter, howl in a low voice, hiss, growl, squeal, whine, purr, and scream faintly. However, it is considered bad form to laugh more than 20 minutes or, when hooking up with a new boyfriend, to say aloud any of the following:

"How much do you love me?"
"Nevermind the sores. They don’t really itch that much."
"Do you want to move in, or just get married immediately?"
"Oh, don’t worry, I can IM my girlfriends and have sex with you at the same time."
"I just love playing with your man boobs!"

Saying anything else is permitted - particularly juicy impersonations of Mr. Slim Pickens. Because, of course, you’re supposed to laugh at Dr. Strangelove. ("Gentlemen! No fighting in the war room!") It’s one of the funniest movies in the history of cinema. As for the guy? The poor chap is so thin-skinned it's amazing he could keep his liver from falling out of his body and dropping onto the floor.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Calls Me Names When We Fight - How Do I Deal?

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I understand that when people get upset they do irrational things. I believe though that when two people are close they argue to resolve the issue and to make the relationship stronger not to hurt each other's feelings in order to "win."

When my boyfriend and I get into a fight, I try to keep my cool and use phrases like, "When you do this, I feel..." or "Do you think you could meet halfway on this because..." but when he gets upset, he says things like, "I can't believe what you're doing, it's so nasty," or "Why do you have to be so cheap?" and "Oh my god, you're a nightmare, I wish I never met you."

Comments like that are obviously not constructive and all they do is hurt my feelings and make it harder for me to stay calm. After the fight is over and we're okay again, I can see that he doesn't mean what he's said, but it's still so hurtful. I've talked to him about this and while he apologizes profusely, he doesn't change - this happens every time we fight. What should I do?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Should I go through with it/at the end of my rope

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 13:07:26 -0800

I'm engaged to be married next year. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years, and while not all of those were wonderful, we've made it through some really rocky patches and been stronger for it.

However, now that we are engaged, and the wedding is quickly approaching, I've gone beyond a little "cold feet" or wedding jitters. I am full-fledged having second thoughts. All of the things that he says or does that annoy me or hurt me are magnified by a thousand. I've been thinking back over those seven years, and I'm realizing that I've been waiting for him to grow up this whole time. I always think the next big event in our relationship will do it...he graduated from college: "Now, he'll mature and become responsible." He moved away for a couple of years: "He'll learn what it's like to have to pay his own way." He moved back, and I graduated from college: "Now that I'm not living with my head buried in projects, we can focus on ourselves."

I am not a controlling woman; he basically does whatever he feels like doing. He is not a drinker or a partier, and I have absolutely no doubts regarding his fidelity to me. He is an extreme type of personality...whatever he does, he does it to the max. I, on the other hand, am more of a slow and steady personality. He's very involved in physical fitness; I am marginally interested. I have never doubted our relationship until now. We're building a house, which I know everyone says is a huge strain on a relationship, but I'm an interior architect, and I do this for a living, so it is not stressful on me at all. But he truly cannot deal with his stress. All of his frustrations with the house (and everything else in life) are taken out on me. He tells me that I do not communicate with him, that I close up when there is a conflict. That's partially true - I despise conflict with every fiber of my being, so I will avoid it at all costs. However, this makes him feel like we are not communicating our feelings...but when I do try to tell him how I feel, I'm met with the insistance that none of my feelings are valid. So, we have a huge fight, I cry and cry, he has time to cool down, and then he apologizes. I'm so sick of that pattern.

I reached my breaking point this weekend. He made some stupid comment about my shirt, and it was like I was looking at our relationship as if I weren't actually a member of it. I thought, "If my friend told me that her fiance had said that to her, I'd tell her to dump him!" It's never just one thing when everything comes to a head, so I tried to tell him that I had been seriously considering if marriage was the right thing for us. We were able to talk about it after he'd cooled down, but I didn't leave with a sense of security about things. I went to my parents' house and cried and cried and the floodgates completely opened up. I didn't air all of our laundry, but I told them enough to let them know that things are not what they seem in our relationship. I am generally a very happy person; I want to make others happy, and I do what I can to make things easier for those around me. My dad was furious. He basically said, people don't change. He said, "You don't deserve to be treated like that." It was the first time I'd seen our relationship through my parents' eyes, and the first time that it had even dawned on me, that geez, that's right, I DON'T deserve that. My mom and I even discussed if we should pay my bridesmaids back for their dresses. I was formulating the speech I was going to give him when I gave the ring back. He called, and apologized, as usual, and I really let him know how I felt. He came over, and I told him everything. Normally, I hold back, because I've been scared he would break up with me...but at that moment, I wasn't scared of that possibility. He made all kinds of promises about loving me, showing me that he loves me, how sorry he was that he'd been such a jerk, etc., etc. I told him that those were all of the right things to say, but we'd have to see if he was really going to act on those promises.

Fast forward to today. We met with our pastor for pre-marital counselling, and the entire session revolved around how relationships disintegrate. The gist of the whole thing was that there are two sides to every coin. There is nothing more wonderful than a great marriage. There is nothing worse than a bad marriage. Contact with someone will either build your relationship up and make you love them more, or it will bring out all of their flaws and create walls between you. Everything was SO relevant to what is happening in our relationship. We talked for almost an hour after the session ended, and it seemed that nothing had changed. He was still stressed out, moping around like he was the biggest victim in the world, and I had to try to cheer him up. Of course, nothing I did or said was the right thing, so I finally just told him he had to snap out of it - that this behavior was not the behavior I was promised just last night.

I have been on such an emotional roller coaster. I have moments where I think, "everyone goes through this" and I almost make up my mind to just commit 150% and go for it; then I remember my dad's reaction, how my fiance reacted when I told him I was ready to give the ring back and that my parents knew, and how no matter how many times we SAY we're not going to fight, we do. I am literally at the end of everything that I have to offer. He brought me flowers to our session, and the card was really sweet. I wish it was that simple, and that a small gesture like that could wipe away all of my doubts and fears and concerns. He wanted to make up for our fights this weekend and last night, but I really felt like I was just going through the motions of a couple making up. I hugged him, but I felt numb. I kissed him, but I didn't feel the little zing in my stomach.

I have cried more in the last week than I have ever cried in my entire life. I really just don't know what to do. I love him, but I really don't know if I can marry him. I've been going through the motions of a girl engaged, having dress fittings, making plans with florists, photographers, etc...and all the while, my emotions are so close to the surface, I feel like I'm on the verge of tears ALL THE TIME. I want to be clear minded and make the best decision, but I am struggling so hard with this. I'm not naive enough to thing that loving someone is enough. That's for movies, not real life. I know that all marriages take work...but I also know that sometimes, no matter how hard the couple works at it, it fails in the end. I'm not a quitter. I'm not someone who is happy with not succeeding at things. I question whether or not I'm letting those personality traits cloud my judgement, and that's why I haven't ended it yet, or if I haven't ended it because I'm supposed to be with him.

I know it's hard to give advice to a total stranger, but if anyone out there has been though this before, or if anyone is married and can give me some insight, I would be so grateful. If nobody can offer anything, then thanks for letting me vent!