TresSugar

Anger Is All the Rage With Women These Days

TresSugar — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 07:00:00 -0700

A story printed in the Daily Mail yesterday almost had me in a fit of rage, which is ironic, because it was all about a rage epidemic taking over the "fairer sex" (their term, not mine). New statistics reveal that aggression and physical violence perpetrated by women is at all-time high in the UK. It seems that this trend is particularly newsworthy because rage is considered a masculine emotion, unfit for the ladies.

Unlike men, women traditionally have been expected to control emotions like anger. The new numbers suggest that they are no longer following such conventions. The Daily Mail guesses that both sexes now have "unspoken 'social permission' to lash out." Fistfights are no longer reserved for the boys!

While uncontrolled anger or physical violence is nothing for either sex to be proud of, does it bother you that women are expected to be ashamed of their anger since society often tolerates male rage?

Women and Anger: Serena's Outburst at the US Open

TresSugar — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 12:49:03 -0700

Anger in tennis is not without precedent: Jimmy Connors and John "Superbrat" McEnroe were criticized for their oncourt outbursts at linespeople when they didn't agree on a call; they were also beloved for their passion. But a couple days ago at the US Open when Serena Williams disputed a call by getting in the linesperson's face and allegedly telling her she wanted to shove a tennis ball down her throat, some people didn't think that her punishment was enough.

Williams was fined the on-site maximum $10,000 for unsportsmanlike conduct and $500 for racket abuse, and her action caused her the match point. Kim Clijsters went on to win the match and ultimately the US Open.

Some say Serena's endorsement deals are not in jeopardy, and the crowd booed a reporter who insisted Williams address the issue after winning the US Open doubles match with her sister. But tennis historian Bud Collins was quoted as saying that he couldn't believe that Serena got to play doubles, and that she should be suspended for the rest of the year.

I am shocked that an athlete of Serena's caliber would say something like that in anger, and emotional outbursts or threats make me look askance at the person freaking out. I'm curious though, do you think people are more shocked when they see women get angry than when men flip out?

How You Think of Time Can Reveal Angry Disposition

TresSugar — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 13:51:56 -0700

Researchers have concluded that how you perceive time – either actively or passively - can reveal whether you are quick to anger or tend to be placid.

In one test, they asked participants if they were told a Wednesday meeting were moved forward two days, which day would it now be on? Those who said Friday, according to researchers, saw themselves as moving through time (in other words, actively) and were more likely to get angry easily. Those who said Monday were more passive and saw time moving toward them.

In another iteration of the study, the new appointment was either anger-provoking or neutral. If participants were told the new day was the anger-provoking one, they were more likely to describe themselves as moving toward it.

I dunno about this one. I mean, yes, I kind of have a short fuse, but I also value being active rather than passive. What do you think about this study or about studies like this in general?

You Asked: My Boyfriend Dragged Me Through the Mud

DearSugar — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 12:56:55 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I was with my ex for three years - we lived together and pretty much grew up together. We have been broken up for two months and it's been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with - moving my stuff out was extremely painful. All I ever do is think about him and our old life. The thing that tears me up the most is that I just found out he's been extremely promiscuous since we've split, all the while having breakup sex with me. I also learned that he is now ready to settle down again, but not with me.

I'm hurt that he got to have all of his fun and drag me along on his ride only to leave me in his tracks. I am incredibly heartbroken, saddened, disgusted and I feel completely rejected. I dream about him almost every night and wake up every morning, sad to be at my mom's house and not our old apartment. Is this normal? I feel like I'm crazy to still think about him every day and mourn like this. - Heartbroken Heidi

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Heartbroken Heidi,

To answer your question, yes, your reaction is completely normal - in fact, I'd be a little concerned if you weren't feeling this way after ending a three-year relationship. The fact that you had to move out of the apartment you shared definitely makes matters worse, so take your time in this grieving process and try not to be so hard on yourself. In the meantime, if living at home with your mom is making this bad situation worse, I suggest you find a roommate and move out ASAP.

Having breakup sex adds a level of difficulty to the moving on process, but rest assured that thinking about your ex, even though he dragged you through the mud, does not make you crazy, it makes you human. Time is the best healer, but you should also lean on your friends and family for support. All of your feelings are justified Heidi, and in due time, I have faith that you'll see that this relationship just was not meant to be. Hang in there and good luck.

Source

Dear Poll: Are You a Yeller?

DearSugar — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 13:30:00 -0800

We all have tempers, but it's important for us to learn how to keep them under control so we don't become walking, ticking time bombs! And since we all have unique personality traits, we probably also have different ways to expel that aggression, but according to the March issue of Glamour, 92 percent of women choose to vent their frustration by yelling. I fit comfortably into that statistic, but tell me, are you a yeller too?

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Etiquette Past vs. Present: Taking It Personally

DearSugar — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 15:00:00 -0800

We all have bad days, and I'm sure it's also safe to say that we've all taken our aggression out on people that didn't deserve it. When that happens, it's usually just the anger talking, but it's sometimes hard to decipher logic from feelings. However, Emily Post says:

Don't automatically take it personally. Sometimes the offender has had a terrible day or is simply in a bad mood. Give him the benefit of the doubt by imagining what he might be going through - the string of a recent confrontation with someone, a family problem, trouble at work, the illness of a loved one.

While all those scenarios have the ability to alter someone's mood, tell me, is not taking it personally easier said than done?

Source

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Has Anger Issues, Can He Change?

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 04:00:00 -0800

The guy I first fell for was amazingly sweet and loving. Then, after moving in together, he began to reveal a verbally abusive side of himself. He'd dish out offhanded criticisms over the smallest things, and when he was really angry (usually under the influence), his temper would fly to frightening extremes. So, even though I still loved him, I decided it best to move out.

It's been two months and while he keeps telling me how he wants to change and become a better person, he still has his moments of meanness. I don't know if he's really improving, if it's even possible for someone to really change in that way, or if the distance I've created by moving out is just keeping his anger hidden. If we moved back in, would he still be the same person? I know I don't want to be in a verbally abusive relationship down the road, so am I just wasting my time hoping that he'll change? Please help.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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You Asked: Can I Still Have a Relationship With Them?

DearSugar — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

When I was younger, around 14 or so, I got along great with my sister, who is 18 years my senior. She was my role model and we always had so much fun together. After I graduated from college and moved back home, my sister employed me as her babysitter. She became increasingly lazy and had me do things for her simply because she had a zit on her face or was just too lazy to do it herself. More and more I began to resent her because she rarely showed true appreciation for the things I did for her. With the help of my boyfriend and friends, I started to see that she was simply using me and not even treating me like a sister anymore, but almost like a slave. She paid me horrible wages and became a person I didn't want to be around.

I finally stood up to her - a huge shock to me and a very proud day. She was disrespecting our mother and I told her I had finally had enough of her trash-talking our family, not appreciating me, and taking me for granted. That was two months ago. She has a 16-year-old daughter and a 4-year-old autistic son. I love them very much and it pains me to not be able to see them. However, I recently contacted my niece and snuck over to her house while my sister was gone so I could spend time with them. I miss her family terribly and the sister I once knew, so my question is, do I contact her and further explain why I finally stood up for myself? Or do I wait for her to come to me? I just can't decide what to do since I feel as though I'm owed an apology. Also, how can I go about having a relationship with my niece and nephew who I love very much? I am past the point of truly forgiving my sister, but this tension is having an incredibly negative impact on my life. Please help! - Taken Advantage of Tina

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Taken Advantage of Tina,

Let me first say I commend you for standing up to your sister. I know that took a lot of courage to do what you did so you should be very proud of yourself! If forgiving your sister is not in the cards for you right now, that's your decision, but in order to keep the peace in your family and in order to maintain a relationship with your niece and nephew, you're going to have to learn to tolerate her. You don't need to be best friends again, but you'll have to be civil, and hopefully she'll follow suit. I also advise you to stop sneaking around behind her back. I understand you want to see her kids, but your sister is bound to feel violated and angry if she were to find out that she was lied to.

While I agree that she owes you an apology for treating you the way she did, chances are you won't be getting one anytime soon. Your sister sounds very self-righteous, so instead of letting her childish behavior get the best of you, be the bigger person and go to her. I know it's frustrating to have to be the older sister in the situation, but if it means easing the friction between you two and having a relationship with her kids, it'll be worth it. It's pretty clear that you two need to have a sisterly heart to heart, so after talking everything out, I hope you can work towards strengthening your relationship again. Good luck to you.

Source

You Asked: I Hate My Father

DearSugar — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

For years I've had a deep ingrained hatred towards my so-called father. I went to therapy for two years for it, but I still have a lot of resentment built up. I've never had a real conversation with him, and I don't plan on ever having one with him in the future. I don't want to work it out because I do not want a relationship with him. Unfortunately, I have to live with him. I am currently in school and living with my family. I applied to a couple of new schools for the Spring semester, so if all goes well, I will be living on campus, but until then, I have to deal with my dad. But I can't even stand looking at him, let alone speaking to him.

My sister and my mom have told me I've been too hard on him, but I couldn't care less. He has put my family through extremely difficult circumstances, and has not once apologized for his actions. I am otherwise pretty happy with my life, except for the fact that I have to deal with him on a daily basis. I wish he would just go away, but that's not an option. Is there anything at all I can do to ease this tension?

- Bitter Brianna

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Bitter Brianna,

You say you want to ease the tension in your family, and yet, the intense hatred you're holding on to says otherwise. Your dad isn't going away, and even if you want to cut him out of your life, it sounds like he's still very much included in your mother's and your sister's. I don't know the reasons for your anger, but obviously they run very deep. The process of letting go is no easy task, and I commend you for trying to work things out with therapy, but holding on to this bitterness is only going to serve to hurt you. While I certainly won't suggest you make any kind of amends with your dad - anger is a very necessary emotion and often a method of protection from future wounds - you can recognize his inabilities and your grievances, but take your rage out of the equation.

First of all, get out of the house. Apply for a student loan, drop down to a part-time class schedule, take another job, or rent out your friend's closet, if necessary. This living situation sounds incredibly unhealthy, and I would guess that by physically removing yourself from his presence, the tension would naturally decrease. When you do see him, stay reasonable; if your anger overwhelms you just leave and that will automatically deescalate any impending conflict. And certainly, continue therapy - your campus health center should have options available for you. You're obviously still experiencing the impact of the relationship with your father, so even if you don't want to work through it for your family, do it for yourself.

Source

You Asked: Can My Ex Forgive Me?

DearSugar — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 12:20:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I dated for three years, and were fairly serious. We had a future mapped out and were practically planning our engagement. However, during those three years there were some major personality clashes I just couldn't ignore. For instance, anytime he pointed out one of my flaws, I'd apologize or try to work on it. Anytime I tried to point out something I didn't like or something that I thought he should work on, he'd say, "If you don't like it, you can leave."

I did finally break up with him, though we're still good friends. But there's one issue that lingered with me after ending things. About three or four times a year he'd get a random message from a girl on MySpace. He has the kind of job that allowed him to just sit there and email her all day. He even met one of the girls once; she came into his work unsolicited. (I explained to him that that's because she saw their frequent conversations as intimate.) And that's what he'd do at least six times an hour, for three or four months, until he got bored with them. He never understood why I was upset about that; it wasn't because he was talking to other girls or that he had "friends," it was the frequency. Every few minutes, every day, for two or three months at a time!

The other day I went with him to celebrate his birthday. One the way home he was texting a girl, as usual. But this time I lost it. I told him that that's exactly why we could never work - he never cared about how I felt or even acknowledged my feelings. I know I broke up with him, and I'm happy with where things are. But even as friends, to see him pulling the same kind of stuff is just so frustrating, and I guess I hit my limit. My question is, do you think I can be forgiven for my behavior? I don't want to be his psycho ex.

- Angry Ex Andrea

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Angry Ex Andrea,

Though I think it's safe to say that yelling at your ex now that things are over isn't exactly productive for your relationship, I don't think that you're the one that should be asking for forgiveness here. While you were together, your ex had inappropriate relationships with other women and when you voiced your concern he proceeded to not only ignore you, but put you down. I can say with some certainty that if anyone should be embarrassed by their behavior, it's him!

From what you describe, breaking up with your boyfriend was a very good decision on your part, and I'm glad to hear that you're not wishing things were different. I have to wonder why you're still willing to be close friends with a person who doesn't seem to care a lot for your emotional well-being. Like I said, snapping at him may not have been productive, but it certainly sounds like he had it coming. Don't worry about his forgiveness! It's time to put some distance between you two and work on surrounding yourself with people who do care about your feelings.

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