TresSugar

Stranger than Fiction: School Used Lap Dance Therapy

TresSugar — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 09:00:00 -0800

When you think of activities to help the emotional growth of teens with behavior troubles or special learning needs, lap dances would probably be the last thing you'd think of.

But that's exactly what the staff at Mount Bachelor Academy came up with, and they forced students to undergo lap dance therapy as a part of their "emotional growth" curriculum. The boarding school was shutdown after students accused the staff of employing this dubious therapy, and a seven-month state investigation has just confirmed the allegations.

According to the report, the school's "Lifesteps" seminars made students take on sexualized roles and perform in front of staff and students. One girl, who had been raped before going to the school, was forced to dress as a French maid and perform a lap dance. (Who thought this was a good idea?!)

Oregon's Department of Human Services says the school poses "a serious danger to child safety." Whenever I hear these horror stories about reform schools, I wonder: did anyone ever check to see if the people allowed to run them for so long needed some reform themselves?

What Is Stockholm Syndrome?

TresSugar — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 14:05:37 -0700

News this week that Jaycee Lee Dugard, 11 years old when she was abducted in 1991, was discovered living in her abductor's backyard, prompts reactions both of happiness and horror. Happiness that this poor young woman, raped and twice-impregnated by her abductor, is finally free. Horror when you think of what her life must have been like these past 18 years. How is she going to fare now that she’s been reunited with her family and will finally be able to see a doctor, and hopefully, a therapist? Clues about her mental state were revealed by her stepfather Carl Probyn after talking to Jaycee’s mother: "She told me that Jaycee feels really guilty for bonding with this guy. She has a real guilt trip."

We hear this counterintuitive detail in many cases where kidnap victims and people in abusive relationships feel sympathy for their captors/abusers, identifying with them and even bonding with them. Natascha Kampusch, the young woman who only three years ago escaped from the man who abducted her at age 10 and kept her in a windowless cellar for eight and a half years, was distraught after hearing that he had committed suicide. Some psychologists say that this sympathy is, in part, what keeps abused women so psychologically attached to their abusers.

Although it's probably impossible for most of us who have never been in such extreme situations to imagine that someone would have any positive feelings toward a person who abused them or imprisoned them, psychologists have a term for why it happens: Stockholm syndrome. To find out what this fascinating and disturbing psychological term means, read more.

Coined by Swedish psychiatrist and criminologist Nils Bejerot to explain why, in 1972, Swedish bank employees sympathized with the bank robbers who held them hostage for six days, Stockholm Syndrome can arise if the captor - in between his or her abuse - occasionally shows gestures of affection or concern, or gives them something they need. Experts say that what the victim doesn't consciously acknowledge is that these gestures tend to be self-serving, rather than genuine tokens of kindness.

Stockholm Syndrome became a household word in the '70s with the infamous Patty Hearst case. The millionaire heiress granddaughter of publishing magnate William Randolph Hearst, Hearst was abducted at age 19 from her apartment in Berkeley, CA, by a fringe left-wing guerilla group that called themselves the Symbionese Liberation Army. During her captivity, according to Hearst, she was blindfolded and kept in a closet, occasionally taken out to be beaten or sexually assaulted. After a time, the brainwashed Hearst succumbed to Stockholm Syndrome, according to psychologists who examined her, and began to sympathize with the SLA's agenda of creating a fairer society. She helped them rob a bank and later even said positive things about them to the press.

After Hearst's arrest and trial, her lawyer told the jury that she should not be charged in the case as a person who was operating in a normal capacity, of her own free will. They didn't buy the diagnosis of Stockholm Syndrome, however, and Hearst served two years in prison until Jimmy Carter commuted her sentence in 1979.

It's terrifying to think about the convolutions our minds are capable of when survival is the goal. What do you think about Stockholm Syndrome - do you buy it as a diagnosis?

Abused Women May Be Able to Seek Asylum in the US

TresSugar — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Women don't have a single nationality or a common religion, but they do make up a defined group regularly subjected to domestic and sexual abuse. Yesterday, the Obama administration paved the way for women who are victims of severe abuse to receive asylum in the United States.

The administration signaled the policy change in its court filing in the case of a Mexican woman who is currently seeking asylum. The woman (who is known as "L.R.") says that her common law husband raped her at gunpoint, held her captive, and tried to burn her alive when he found out she was pregnant. L.R. maintains that if she were to be sent back to Mexico, she could be killed.

In its filing with the court, the Obama administration said that a woman such as L.R. should be granted asylum if she meets existing conditions for asylum and shows not only that her abuser views women as subordinate but also that domestic abuse is widely tolerated in her home country.

Do you think women who meet such conditions should be allowed to stay in the US, or do you worry that this policy will worsen the already overwhelmed US immigration situation?

Ireland Released Five Volumes on Abuses, But No Names

TresSugar — Thu, 21 May 2009 08:30:00 -0700

Ireland released an extensive report yesterday revealing that more than one thousand children were beaten, neglected, or raped at Catholic reform schools. The five-volume accounting took nine years to compile and covers six decades, but it doesn't include a single name of a priest, brother, or nun who abused children at the Catholic institutions. A religious order in question successfully sued the government in 2004 to keep the names secret. Thus, the perpetrators of rape and other physical, emotional, and sexual abuse are free from criminal prosecutions. Now victims say they've been cheated of justice.

While the victims feel vindicated by the inquiry, many maintain that they never would have opened their wounds if they knew it would result in zero criminal accountability. The report did offer over 20 ways the government could address the wrongs, including: building a monument, improving child protection services, and providing counseling to the victims. The Catholic Church in Ireland has also apologized.

Do you think the perpetrators should be brought to justice in the courts?

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You Asked: Their Friendship Hurts Me

DearSugar — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 12:30:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my fiance for two years now. He is the absolute love of my life, so when he recently proposed, I didn't hesitate to say yes! Before we dated, I dated his best friend for four years. My ex and I were broken up for close to two years before my fiance and I got together, but it still ended their friendship.

They have recently started to talk and become friends again, but it's causing quite a rift in our relationship. My ex could quite possibly be the biggest jerk in the world - he was threatening, jealous, and emotionally abusive toward me, and I don't want him in my life in any way, shape, or form. My fiance, on the other hand, thinks that their friendship is separate from our relationship, but it has already affected our otherwise perfect relationship. I don't want to seem unreasonable so how should I handle this situation? - He's Causing a Rift Ritta

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear He's Causing a Rift Ritta,

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship is going through some turmoil right now, but I'm sure your fiance has really missed his best friend throughout the years, so I'm not all that surprised that they're trying to rebuild their relationship. Instead of letting him taint this exciting time in your life, open up to your finance and explain how you feel.

Since you can't tell him who he can and cannot be friends with, you guys are going to have to come to a middle ground. If you need closure from your ex, now is the time to get it, but if you're not ready to go back to that time in your life, ask your fiance to respect your needs and understand your position. I can see how this could cause a rift in your relationship so keep the lines of communication open and ask for whatever you need to feel comfortable about their friendship. Good luck to you.

Source

Woman Released 18 Years After Killing Abusive Father

CitizenSugar — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 14:00:53 -0700

The story of Stacey Lannert, a woman who killed her sexually abusive father, has got me thinking about whether women should get a break for killing men who have abused them.

Stacey Lannert killed her father 18 years ago when she was only 18 years old. She was sentenced to life in prison without parole, after prosecutors alleged that she murdered her father because she wanted his money. Lannert's attorneys argued that her father sexually abused her, beginning when she was 8 years old, but the jury could not take this into account.

Earlier this year, then Missouri governor Matt Blunt commuted Stacey's sentence to 20 years, before leaving office, and she has since been released. The governor said he commuted the sentence because Stacey suffered extensive abuse before she killed the man who raped her and subjected her to other horrible physical and emotional abuses.

Do you think sexual abuse on account of a murder victim should be a reason for reducing a murder's sentence?

To see Stacey speak about her plans, read more.

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You Asked: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

DearSugar — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I am in a relationship that has been incredibly intense since the day we met. We lived together, but our relationship has suffered many blows. My boyfriend began to lose his temper in ways I'd never seen before - he became mildly verbally abusive and he's frightened me on several occasions. During those times, I'd go to sleep thinking 'I have to get out of this', but by morning, he would be apologetic and sweet, and he would tell me that he wanted to change. I always believed him and stayed.

Things became so hard on me that I finally moved out two months ago. His behavior has become much less severe, but I still feel torn as to whether or not I should give him the chance to start treating me better. I'm just not sure if his temper has truly improved or if it would return to the same level once we got back together. Am I foolish to think it could work out with someone like this? - Torn Tanja

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Torn Tanja,

I'm really sorry to hear about your boyfriend's change in behavior, but I'm really glad to hear that you've moved out. You say that he's become slightly verbally abusive, but Tanja, any kind of abuse - mild or not - should not be tolerated in any relationship.

You say you've seen him change since you've been apart, but I'd be extremely hesitant to believe that he's transformed himself in just two months. If this is a relationship you really want to salvage, I highly recommend that your boyfriend starts seeing a therapist as it sounds like he has some anger management issues that he needs to address ASAP.

While I'd like to think everything could work out for you two in the end, you need to remember that abuse of any kind is simply unacceptable behavior. Put yourself first and if you find yourself yearning to get back together, please proceed with caution. Trust your gut instincts, and I wish you luck.

Source

You Asked: I'm Plagued With Thoughts of My Abusive Ex

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

About two years ago I broke up with a boyfriend who I had been with for three years. Throughout our relationship, he lied to me numerous times about drinking and drugs, as well as his actions with other women. He would vow to change each time but never did. He also made me feel guilty and accused me of not loving him anytime I wanted to do something that didn't involve him - be it a family function or a night out with the girls. I never had the strength to break up with him because I was sure we loved each other. I alienated myself from all my friends and he became my everything. Towards the end of our relationship, I felt trapped and incredibly unhappy. I finally mustered up the courage to break up with him but convincing myself that I deserved better was a very painful process - I slowly realized that I was in an abusive relationship.

I've made a few new friends but haven't dated since. I've recently, for some reason, started thinking about my ex again. The logical part of me knows he treated me terribly, and I thought I had made my peace with the whole ordeal, but I'm plagued with thoughts of him. I really just want to move on with my life and maybe one day have a healthy relationship, but I just don't know how to do that. Do you have any advice for me? - Hurting Heather

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Hurting Heather,

Abuse does not belong in any relationship so I'm glad to hear that you've ended things with your ex. With that said, it sounds like you became pretty dependent on each other so it's no surprise that you're still holding onto feelings for him. When any relationship ends, good or bad, it takes time to move on. Keep reminding yourself that you do deserve better, and I also suggest you speak to a therapist - she could help you work through your feelings and thoughts about the abuse you endured, and help you make progress in the moving-on phase.

Having a healthy relationship is possible, Heather, but you'll have to let go of the past before you can work on your future. Lean on your friends and family for support and remember that with time, all wounds heal. Good luck to you.

Source

You Asked: Should I Leave My Boyfriend?

DearSugar — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

At what point do I end a relationship with someone I truly love who has a temper, who treats me badly, but always say he's going to change? And how do I end this relationship when I am always wanting and willing to accept his apologies and take him back? He is my everything and I don't know what to do. Please help! - Reliant Rachel

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Reliant Rachel,

While I hear you when you say you love your boyfriend, I can not reiterate enough that being with someone who has a bad temper and treats you poorly is a disaster waiting to happen - if not a current disaster.

Feeling like your boyfriend is your everything definitely adds an element of difficulty to this process, but Rachel, if all he's offering you are false promises, it's time to end this relationship. The only way he will change is if he's willing to, and it's pretty clear by the desperation in your tone that he's not. Abuse of any kind does not belong in a relationship, so get out before it's too late. You haven't given me much information here, but if you are in immediate peril, you must leave him right away, and if you've been physically hurt in any way, call 911 ASAP.

If you don't live together, this breakup will be much easier. You should immediately change your locks, install a security system, and tell your friends and family that you've decided to leave him so they are aware of the situation. However if you do live together, you must leave the house ASAP, but be sure you have an emergency plan in place first - somewhere to go, an escape route, and someone you can call for support. You should also have an emergency kit packed and easily accessible with the necessities: an ID, money, social security card, passport, an extra set of keys, and any prescription medication. (This is a good idea to have even if you don't live together as you never know when you might need it.)

The The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year if you need help finding a safe place to stay or an anonymous listening ear. I don't need to tell you that domestic abuse is a very serious matter, and although you have faith that your boyfriend will change, chances are you're just wishfully thinking. Love yourself more than him, Rachel, and take all the necessary steps to make sure you're safe and out of harm's way. Turn to your friends and family for emotional support, remember that you are not alone, and consider talking with a therapist who is trained in domestic abuse. After the dust settles, hopefully you'll be able to see that being with someone that doesn't treat you well is no relationship to be in. You deserve to be happy, to be respected, and most of all to be loved. Be safe and good luck to you.

Source

The How-To Lounge: Deciphering an Abusive Relationship

DearSugar — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Throughout October, I will be bringing you very important information about domestic violence and how you can protect yourself and the people around you. As we all know, abuse does not belong in any relationship so if your friend or someone you know is in an unhealthy situation, or if you're noticing a change in a friend's behavior - she's feeling ashamed, hopeless, or frightened - be sure to check out my tips on how to help.

Click here to read more

If you think, but aren't sure that your friend is in an abusive relationship, start off by asking her these tough questions: Are you ever afraid of your partner? Has he ever threatened to harm you? Has he ever hit you? Forced you to have sex with him? Does he control you or purposely put you down? If she answers yes to any of these, her well-bring could be in danger.
If you are worried about her safety, do not hesitate to call the police.
To avoid a dangerous situation, advise your friend to seek a trusted confidant or spiritual advisor for advice. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is also a great recourse for general information and guidance, and they can help find a shelter in her area if she needs a safe place to stay. They are available to help 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
If your friend has to flee from an abusive relationship, make sure she has an emergency plan - a place to go, an escape route, and someone she can call.
She should also keep an emergency kit packed and easily accessible with the necessities: an ID, money, social security card, passport, an extra set of keys and any prescription medication.
If your friend's abuser does not live with her, she should immediately change her locks, install a security system and obtain a restraining order. If she has children, she needs to alert her kids' school and their friends' parents so they can be protected and kept out of harm's way.

Domestic abuse happens in every culture, affects every race and every religion, and it may be happening to someone you love as we speak. Be sure to educate yourself so you can not only be there for a friend in need, but know what to look for in your own relationships.

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