online dating

We're happy to present this excerpt from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Is online dating proving to be a challenge, and not the fun kind? Luckily, Kelle Sparta offers her tips to help you show the world the best parts of yourself — instead of the worst.

If you've been trying to find a relationship online and you're not getting the results you want, then read on, dear fellow.  Perhaps you're making social faux pas without even knowing it.

Related: Help! My Boyfriend Wants to Wait Until Marriage For Sex!

All of this advice has been collected through my own personal experience of being a woman looking for a relationship online, and by talking with other women like me. Of course, some women may disagree with me. I'd love to hear from readers what others in the comments whether they have made the same observations that I have.

Your Profile
Let's start with the fact that your profile looks more like a laundry list than an essay. You've listed facts and given me nothing emotional or even personal to hang my hat on. I want to know who you are, not just what you do for work and that you enjoy going out to dinner and long walks on the beach. (And please avoid this cliché! If you haven't been for a long walk on the beach in the last month, you don't love it.) Give me something real. Give me an idea of how you would make me feel if we were on a date together. Paint a picture of who you are with your friends and family. Let me get to know you. And write twice as much as you think you need to. We want more information, not less.

Your Picture
I want to see a picture of you — up close — without your sunglasses on. I want to see your eyes — they are the most important thing about you because they tell me if you are kind and strong. I want to see a full-body picture of you. And please, pretty please, with sugar on top — smile! Now let's talk about what you're wearing in these pictures. I don't want to see an "I'm With Stupid" or "Female Body Inspector" shirt. It shows a lack of respect and I don't want that lack of respect applied to me. I don't want to see you with a bevy of hot girls around you (who wants to compete with that?)  I don't want a picture of you and your ex — even if she is still your friend. If it's your sister, you'd better say as much in the caption or else you look like a player. If there is a beer in your hand in every photo, I assume you're a drunk.  If you're in a costume in every photo, I assume you're a child. And if you're alone in every photo, I assume you have no friends. Your photos are a pictorial of your life. Choose wisely, young Jedi.

For 12 more tips, read the full story: Why You Suck at Online Dating

More from The Good Men Project:

• The Danger in Demonizing Male Sexuality
• Wanna Find Love? Let Go of the Banana
• What Makes a Woman Beautiful to a Man

We're happy to present this excerpt from one of our favorite sites, YourTango. Not much luck with online dating? It's not you, says this matchmaker.

Let's be honest: Online dating doesn't necessarily make it easier for you to find a partner . . . but it should!

You answer hundreds of boring questions that are out of context only to realize you just spent over 45 minutes giving personal data about yourself that gets publicly displayed and shared with the site owners. Sound familiar?

In the current breed of "old dog" dating sites, there are a lot of users who just "pose and show off" to market themselves, answering questions dishonestly to make themselves seem more desirable. That makes it harder for you to select the singles who are right for you. When examining matches, we should cut out this "noisy data" and focus on the real goal: finding a compatible hook-up, friend, partner, soul mate . . . whomever you are searching for. Plus, we should be able to do this quickly, easily and accurately. Don't you agree?

But online dating does not know how to re-invent itself. I saw this first-hand at the iDate conference in Las Vegas this January. As a single person using online dating sites, you face many challenges, and the sites cannot solve them. The number one, root cause under examination? The matching algorithm based on explicit user data.

The reason why OKCupid's "maths-based" matching algorithm — and that of any other dating site that provides a compatibility score based on the users' explicit answers to questions — is flawed is because the data they collect is garbage. The saying goes: "Garbage in, garbage out." No wonder you end up going on dates with people you don't fully connect with or who misrepresent certain aspects of their persona.

Why is their data garbage? Here's why: the matching algorithm collects inherently biased data, because it requires users to "explicitly" answer questions about themselves and what they look for in others. These are things which they may be aware of and choose to "tweak in their favor", or they may not even know the answer to themselves!

OKCupid is an old dog with new tricks. While the site has a decent interface, it creates the illusion that something smart is being calculated in the background. But it's not rocket science. Rather, it's all smoke and mirrors. While their calculations are accurate for what they intend to measure (whatever that may be), I question the validity of both what they claim is a "match" and the inputs they're using to calculate this with. In my humble opinion, their matching algorithm is incomplete and biased because they ignore some key attraction and compatibility indicators such as implicit personality, flirting styles, astrology, skill and scent. More importantly, the data used for it is contaminated with "explicit positive portrayals."

For the rest of the tips, head to YourTango: Why Online Dating Doesn't Work.

— Seb Coman

More from YourTango:

• The Secret to Successful Online Dating
• Why Mismatched Couples End Up Together
• How to Google Your Date

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our community. Add your advice in the comments!

I met this guy on an online dating website. We have 95 percent compatibility and answered most of the questions the same. We spoke to each other on the phone for over an hour, and he makes me laugh. He has been extremely polite to me and asked me out to dinner. I'm growing ever nervous about this date, because he is overweight, and I've never been on a date with an overweight person. I'm not sure if I would be physically attracted to him and I'm also unsure if we would be compatible because I am a size 0. It sounds shallow, but I don't know if I can overlook it. This thing has been keeping me awake at night. What do I do?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously in Group Therapy for advice.

We're happy to present this excerpt of a story from one of our favorite sites, YourTango. Today, we learn how being connected may have changed your love life.

A startup called FreedomPop recently launched a free 4G wireless service for email and basic web surfing, making 24/7 access to friends and loved ones easier than ever. Just like Google has affected our relationships, the Internet has greatly altered our love lives even more so. Let's look at how being connected influences modern dating, for better or for worse.

1. We're meeting partners online. The service that connects us to people we know has also taken on the role of worldwide matchmaker. Today, one in five couples meet online. And, we're not just finding potential partners on the Internet, we're talking to them virtually, dating them, falling in love, and even proposing online too. While online dating may not be any better than meeting someone at a bar, many people are still giving digital love a shot. A recent study by MBAPrograms.org found 49 million people search for love each month on eHarmony and Match.com alone. And those are just 2 of the estimated 1,500 online dating sites out there.
2. We can video chat. Remember when we used to spend hours on the phone? It's almost hard to believe that's how couples communicated before the web. Now, we can see who we're chatting with in realtime on Google Hangouts, Facebook, Skype, FaceTime, you name it. More intimate than a regular phone call, video chats make couples and even strangers feel like they're with each other whether they're at opposite ends of a city or a country.
3. We can talk any time. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Skype, Google, Foursquare, LinkedIn, Instagram — think about all of the online accounts you have (if you can remember). The Internet makes us always available. Sure, you can let your email pile up over the week or your Facebook notifications go unnoticed, but doesn't it create some distress or anxiety when you're not tuned in? The second we exchange any of our usernames with someone new, we instantly have the ability to connect with them. What's tricky is deciding how much or how little to communicate now that you have access to someone pretty much all the time. Which accounts do you follow and when?

For the rest of the article, head to YourTango: 6 Ways the Internet Changed Dating

— Michelle Toglia

More from YourTango:

• What Is Mobile Dating? Should I Try It?
• Watch Out! Online Dating Red Flags
• The Secret to Successful Online Dating

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I joined sites like OkCupid and Plenty of Fish this year and it was disastrous to say the least. I was going on dates maybe 2 to 3 times a week (which in a span of 4 months is a lot) and I can confidently say that only 2 or 3 of all of the guys I met had any sort of potential, BUT of course as per my luck they weren’t looking for the same thing I was.

I am not half as picky as it might sound from the amount of dating done/men potential ratio. I believe a lot of those dates where under the false impression that they were going to get something from me after inviting me for dinner. I also do believe that making it a free dating site makes it hard to differentiate those who are looking for something serious vs those who want to pretend they are looking for something serious.

So I decided that this time around I was going to join Match.com — I feel like it is less of a messy clutter of serial daters and more of people that are looking to taking dating seriously (find relationship potential).

As I was browsing through the current subscribers I noticed a few potential candidates, and within them there were a couple I actually saw and went on dates from POF and OkCupid. I think they are hoping the same thing I do (more legitimacy/seriousness for top dollar) but I almost cringe at my own embarrassment. It was odd. Not that I would even try going on dates with these guys again but the fact that they were in many different sites kinda made me feel sorry for them, which is something that I most definitely do not want to feel for myself once I joined online dating world again.

Besides one of those guys I kinda hurt pretty bad since during the mist of my serial dating confusion I led him on and then shut him down (I'm not such a terrible person and I do feel bad for the way I behaved but the situation freaked me out).

Anyway this whole thing got me thinking that maybe online dating might not be my best alternative after all, but I really have had no luck in the real world. So, should I give it another try with a different site or just let go?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously in Group Therapy for advice and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

We're happy to present this excerpt of a story from one of our favorite sites, YourTango. Today, we learn to spot online daters who may already be in a relationship, and save yourself heartache.

You've joined an online dating site and are excited to meet new people and explore possibilities. Finally, you discover one person in particular with whom you have a lot in common and feel that wonderful bubbly sensation of looking forward to meeting and deepening the relationship. Yet, you begin to notice a few things.

1. Your date avoids communicating evenings or on the weekends. You notice that your date only seems to talk to you during the week, or while in transit during travels (e.g. while at airports or hotels). If your date consistently stops texting, emailing, Skyping, etc. on the weekends or evenings then reappears during the week or during the day, that date could be a person who is married or involved.

   Often times, people who are married or are otherwise attached will avoid communicating when their partners are around, usually evenings or weekends. People who are truly unattached and available will usually communicate equally on the weekends and evenings compared to communications during other times.

2. Your date gives mixed messages. He drops out of communication for stretches of time yet still expresses interest or desire for you. Usually when people cheat, they are racked with guilt. They may love the excitement and adventure of pursuing someone outside of their relationship, yet they may also feel awful that they are cheating on a partner.

   This conflict often manifests as the behaviors of pulling away from the new person for a while, returning to the existing marriage or relationship only to discover that there is still unhappiness, then reaching back out to the new person again. A person involved in another relationship might say to you, "Oh I've just had a lot of work or have a lot on my plate so have been a bit out of touch but let me make up for that — let's plan a romantic weekend get away!"

   It's true that everyone gets busy from time to time, but the way to tell if someone is truly busy and not distancing because of conflicts about cheating, is to look at the frequency of this distancing behavior. If it is happening on a regular basis and is more the trend than the exception in the relationship, this is not a good sign. Dating partners who are truly single will progress a relationship in a way that is consistently forward moving such that communication and interactions are happening in a way that does not swing between being distant and unavailable to being passionate and romantic.

   Also, some people, who are in relationships but are unhappy, use online single sites to create fantasy relationships as a diversion. When they realize that they are talking to a person who is the real deal, single, sincere and serious about finding a nice person to date, they then may pull back (especially if they have a conscience and want to avoid hurting you).

For the rest of the article, head to YourTango: 3 Signs Your Online Date Isn't Single

— D Kay Hutchinson

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• 3 Romantic Holiday Gifts
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