nightclubs

Surely, somewhere there's a club called Animal Kingdom, but I doubt its owner knows just how right on his naming instincts were. Psychologist Nick Neave took his hypothesis that dancing in clubs is no different than courtship movement rituals animals exhibit to find what exactly is and isn't attractive about men dancing. I'd say any time a man dances to show off his body, his beer, or his perceived coordination, it's a turnoff, but I may be the minority.

Since movements signify an animal's health, age, fertility, and hormone status in the wild, Neave believed the same would hold true for men on the dance floor. He asked 12 men, between 18-35, to groove to German dance music while 12 cameras filmed from every angle. The moves were turned into dancing avatars, which women rated on a scale of one to seven. The men with most attractive moments proved to be the healthiest, based on blood samples Neave took.

What's hot? Well, if the video above isn't enough to turn on your own primal instincts, here's a breakdown. Speed, variety of movements (twisting, bending, moving, nodding), and in-control torsos, necks, and heads (i.e. not flailing about) make good dancing. Twitchy and repetitive movements (apparently the technical term is "dad dancing") and movements that involved the legs and arms, but not the rest of the body, are bad.

So Jersey Shore fist-pumping? A scientifically proven turnoff.

There's an in-depth article in New York magazine this week about how Rachel Uchitel — one of Tiger Woods's many women — was not a madam (technically) when she met Woods as a VIP host in a Las Vegas club. But it goes beyond Tiger's scandal and Rachel's newfound fame, and into the sort-of prostitution world of exclusive nightclubs.

I gleaned a basic outline of who's who in the nightclub world, and how all together they make the Cristal go 'round.

VIP host: Is like the madam of a night nightclub. She works out the complicated seating arrangements that the politics of status dictate. She sells tables, either quoting prices based on name and credit card type, or holding full-on auctions and awarding tables to the highest bidders. Her BlackBerry knows everything she doesn't about clients: birthdays, children's names, preferred drinks, and preferred women.

Promoters: Glorified pimps. They're hired by clubs on a freelance basis to bring people in. They usually specialize in a certain type, like hipster promoters or model promoters, etc.

The women: Women solicited by modeling agencies and hired by promoters. Some have successful careers outside the club, but most are still trying to make it. They are the ambiance and entertainment in a nightclub. After the client, they may be the biggest asset.

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