guilt

If there's one thing that working moms and stay-at-home mothers have in common, it's that ubiquitous feeling of guilt. For working mamas it's often the guilt of missing a school function or having to take a business trip, while stay-at-home moms frequently say they often feel guilty for not putting their education and previous career experience to work.

While we may beat ourselves up for not being the first one in the pick-up line or not reading that extra chapter at bedtime, there's one category we all tend to feel the most guilty about: the cleanliness of our homes!

According to a new survey by the Working Mother Research Institute and Ernst & Young, the number one thing working moms feel the most judged about is how they keep their homes, while it was the second most frequently cited response by stay-at-home moms (the first being their contribution to the family's finances). Sixty-eight percent of LilSugar readers told us that the one professional they wish they could hire for themselves is a housekeeper, and now we can see why!

Is your home's cleanliness something that you feel judged about as a mother?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

So . . . Let me explain the situation:

About a month ago, I was on a business trip. I've had this specific client for a year and a half, and I've made several trips out to the client's site. On one of the last nights of the trip, two employees from my company and I went out to dinner. I hadn't been out with them before, and they wanted to go to two bars after our meal. I should have just gone back to the hotel. I think you know where this is going.

Anyways, I definitely got drunk — my colleagues were drunk too (not that it makes it right). I remember the night fairly well up until getting back to the hotel and I remember taking a bath when I got back to my room. Still, it feels a little fuzzy. I assumed that all was well, except I'm back at that hotel tonight, and when I checked in, one of the guys at the counter gave me a funny look, and then said, "Welcome back."

I have a funny feeling in my gut that I made a fool of myself that night. Am I just being paranoid because I'm guilty that I allowed myself to drink that much in the first place? Would it be stupid/inappropriate to pull that hotel employee aside, and ask him if I did something the last time I stayed here? How do I live this down? I'm going to have to continue coming to this hotel as long as I have this client. I feel so embarrassed.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

Every mom has a bit of guilt; it's how a woman deals with it that makes the difference. Whether you are fretting about a pile of laundry (let the kids climb it!) or forgetting it was snack day at preschool (nobody starved!), it's time to get over it. Parenting recently compiled a fun and relatable list. The 31 reasons include:

2. Feeling smug that you're a better parent than those on "Supernanny". No worries. We all feel smug watching "Supernanny". Until we don't, at which time we employ her techniques.

11. Accepting your son's compliment that you're a good cook when he's eating pre-breaded microwave chicken breasts. You did your part. You pressed "Start."

12. Wiping your daughter's nose with a panty liner — the closest thing to a tissue you had in your purse. For heaven's sake — it was clean!

14. Closing the bedroom door in their little faces. You did not magically lose your need for privacy when you gave birth. If someone's bleeding or not breathing, by all means, they can knock

29. Noticing the hot dad at drop-off. Ahem, you have eyes in your head, and (sex drive or no) you're not dead yet! Did you lick him? No? You're okay.

Tell us what you used to feel guilty about and why you don't anymore.

Photos copyright 2010 ABC Inc.

We've seen a lot of them: public service announcements meant to make us feel bad about drinking ourselves stupid. Remember the one that showed a drunk dude fighting, urinating in public, and hooking up with random women with the message: would you do this sober? Or the gross Belgian PSA that featured people throwing up in unfortunate situations thanks to alcohol? Well new research suggests the message that we should feel ashamed about binge drinking doesn't get through to the viewer. Maybe we're too drunk to listen?

Not exactly. A study from Northwestern University and Indiana University found that these ads trigger existing feelings of guilt and shame and make excessive drinkers defensive. Drinkers tune out the PSA and in fact the shame-inducing message might lead to more binge drinking.

If someone tries to make you feel guilty about a bad habit — be it fast food, smoking, casual sex, or drinking — does it make you defensive or do you consider changing your behavior?

It's no longer a stereotype; a study has concluded that men feel less guilty than women. Whether it's because they genuinely hurt someone or forgot a friend's birthday, the Spanish Journal of Psychology reports hombres are less likely to feel remorse, sorrow, empathy, or anger.

The study used the very scientific method of quizzing 300 men and women, ages 15-50, about hypothetical situations (taking back a promise, not visiting a relative in the hospital, snapping at a friend) and women displayed significantly higher levels of guilt.

Men do feel guilty about something, though. Overindulging. They felt the most guilt about self-centered situations that affected only themselves. Too bad another study found that people who felt guilty about indulging in life's little pleasures had weaker immune systems!

Guilt trips get a bad rap, and for good reason: no one likes being made to feel bad. But having a healthy sense of guilt could help you exercise self control. Feeling guilty about stealing something will make you less likely to shoplift; the pangs you feel after a chocolate binge might prevent the next one.

Feeling guilty at a young age could give you more self-control as an adult. A University of Iowa study stretching over several years examined how guilt helps children become more conscientious as they grow up. The sorta mean experiment involved giving children a toy to play with, telling them it was very special and they should be super careful, and then rigging the toy to break. The researchers followed the kids for years afterward, and interestingly, children who felt more guilt — an emotion that starts around age 2 — about the broken toy went on to have fewer behavioral problems as they aged.

But don't get ready to lay on the guilt trips just yet; atonement was also an essential part of the experiment. After making the children feel guilty about the broken toy, the researchers soon told them it wasn't their fault and that the toy could be easily repaired. The lesson: guilt can be constructive, but you have to administer it right. Have you found this to be true in your life?