friendships

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Some old friends from high school and I have been planning a camping trip since the Winter. My high school friends go annually, but this is my first time. I'm really excited to rekindle the friendships, seeing how many of us had lost contact when we went to college. When we were first planning the trip, I invited my boyfriend to come along, thinking it would be fun for him to meet some old friends. The problem is that we took a break a month ago and are now trying to patch things up. The camping trip is in less than a month, and my feelings about him coming along have changed. I would rather go alone and focus on my old friendships, but since things have been better between us he still wants to go.

I really don't know how to approach the situation. It seems unfair to uninvite him, and if we weren't on a break, I would want him there, but he is going on a trip to California without me. I'm not sure what to do. Does anyone have any advice for me?

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This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

A friend of mine recently completed a rehab program and contacted me to make amends. As you might imagine, our friendship went from close, to strained, to non-existent for reasons both directly and indirectly related to her addiction. There was a straw/camel’s back situation a few years ago, which led to me completely cutting her off.

Despite that, I’m still the only friend she has left. I really want her to lead a happy and sober life. I do care about her and we have lots of good memories together from the years we were friends. But peppered throughout those years were all sorts of betrayals, drama, and negativity. My life since I cut her out has been drastically better; the people around me are people I trust and drama is rare. I guess I just don’t know where she fits into my life anymore.

I should add that when we spoke, it seemed like she was really committed to staying sober and not engaging in the other destructive behaviors that caused our friendship breakup. But you can imagine why I would be hesitant to believe that after years of lies.

I guess my question is: Is it an obligation of mine to be one of her main support systems since she doesn't have other friends? Can I be supportive of her new life without really letting her back into mine? Can people really change, not just get clean, but actually change how they interact with and treat people during rehab? Also, I’d just be interested in hearing from anyone who has gone through rehab themselves or had a friend or loved one transition to a sober life.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Before I delve in, can I just be blunt here for a moment? I hope no one will find this off-putting and disgusting, and I figure this community would be understanding so I feel safe. I am a very attractive woman. I've been told so for years by families, friends, and strangers. It is only now in my 20s that I'm starting to realize this. I'm coming into my own and shedding some of my teenage angst and insecurities.

But as I accept this fact, I can't help but notice that it's a detriment. I seem to have feeble relationships with my girlfriends (with the exception of a few BFFs/soul mates), and my mother (who is also extremely attractive, smart and wise — sense a pattern?) likes to think it's jealousy. Looks aside (because why should that matter anyway?), I'm also a very good musician, have a very good job, and am really smart. And to put the topping on the cake, I am extremely shy, which means I come off as aloof and b*tchy. I'm not!

Sometimes these girlfriends of mine will say something (about a job, or my music) and I can't help but read into it. They say things like, "Man, I wish I had a talent," or "I want to have your job; how did you get it?" or "I wish I had your closet," and I'm just left sitting there trying to be as invisible as possible because I don't want these ladies to think that I think I'm better than them. I don't. So I just laugh it off.

Read how it affects her dating life here.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

Boys will be boys, but girls will be mean. That's a cultural stereotype, but now research has pinpointed what causes that amorphous and unpleasant dynamic to flourish so well in estrogen-laden grounds. It's competitive and judgmental, it aims right for the self-conscious, and it's very powerful. But it's not mean; well, not mean-spirited anyway.

Joyce Benenson of Emmanuel College and Harvard University found that women and men socialize in completely different ways. Women prefer close, one-on-one relationships, while men prefer groups. It's why women are far more likely to have best friends than men.

But when conflict arises, men fare better. Because they socialize in groups, they're less likely to be devastated by someone leaving or coming, while women are biologically programmed to feel threatened. Because they're used to having fewer, more intimate relationships, the ousting of a former friend or the coming of a new one causes them to fear exclusion. This, according to Benenson, is what causes females to round up the troops, build a fortress of friends, and get cliquey.

I can say with absolute certainty I've seen this cliquey behavior in men, but I can also say I've seen it even more in women. Whatever. Biology can't sit with us at lunch today!

Do you have the distinct honor of serving as a bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding? If so, here are five tips that will help you enjoy the pre-wedding experience, while keeping your relationship with the bride intact.

1. Be upfront: If you tell the bride early on what you can and cannot commit to, you will avoid hurting her feelings later.
2. Plan ahead: Figure out the time and monetary commitments ASAP. Then set aside money for responsibilities like the bridal shower, bachelorette party, and dress. If you need flights, book them early. Accepting, and planning for, the costs upfront will keep you from resenting each purchase.
3. Go through the maid of honor: If you need last minute info about the bachelorette party, or have any other logistical problem, try to run it by the maid of honor since the bride has so much to stress about. If you're the maid of honor, hopefully you can act as a calming filter when you relay concerns back to the bride.
4. Make friends with the groomsmen: Whether it's at an engagement party or other event, do your best to get to know everyone in the wedding party. It will make the big day that much more fun!
5. Suck it up: This is not your wedding, so do your best to go with the flow. Your friends will really appreciate it if you help her with some of the least glamourous planning tasks and maintain a supportive attitude throughout.

Are you the bride? Learn how to manage the bridal party in A Bride's Guide to Bridesmaids while maintaining your friendships. And start sharing your big day with our community. Don’t forget to check the wedding content box on your post.

Here's a post from OnSugar blog The Ticks of Being a Queer Dear.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the importance of relationships. I wonder if or why a single relationship in our life, the one we have, or will have, with our significant other is supposed to be bigger, better, than the one we have with friends. Why is this the one that we should make count or last? I have an eccentric varied group of friends and, for the really close ones, I call them my family. I love them, some say, too much. I would do anything for them no questions asked, but it is the outsiders that make me stop to think and say "should I be asking questions?" Anyway that's a post for another time.

Why do we strive to find mates who we feel complete with, but sometimes keep around friends that make us feel less than ourselves? I have friends who make me feel complete, who strive to make me happy every chance they can, and who want to make me feel loved and wanted. I even have some friends who do the jobs I mentioned above AND fulfill me sexually. So why do I keep looking for that elusive semi-perfect (no one can be perfect) mate?

I think, for those times I feel utterly alone and nothing feels right. No matter what HMH says or DG does I feel about as low as I can get. I don't think someone I haven't even met yet, or the someones I haven't met yet will fill that hole for me. I know I will have to fill it for myself. Which is egregious if I may say so.

Want to see more? Start following The Ticks of Being a Queer Dear or start your own OnSugar blog. Maybe your stories will be posted here on TrèsSugar!

Here's a post from OnSugar blog Rantings of a Single Girl.

My best friend is pregnant. And I couldn't be happier for her. I'm dying to meet my new "niece" or "nephew" and to spoil them rotten. Oh, and I do mean rotten. Then again, that's the joy of being a grandparent, aunt, uncle, or just a friend. You get to spoil the baby and then give them back to their parents!

On a serious note, here is what I am worried about . . . the changing dynamic of our friendship. I'm worried that things won't be the same between us. She's entering a huge new phase of her life. Probably the most important phase of her life . . . and I don't understand it. Because I haven't had a child. I hear so many people talk about how their friendships changed as they remained single and their other friends got married . . . then became parents. And I don't want that to happen to us.

I fully acknowledge things will change though. But I don't want to lose my best friend either. We've maintained a very close and tight friendship despite the fact that we live several hundreds of miles apart. Even though she's married, we've made it through that as well. But I just wonder how her becoming a mother is going to affect things.

To see the rest, read more

Thanks to a reader with an issue (sorry, reader!), we have an awkward scenario requiring your advice. (Have some awkward tales of your own? Join our Awkward! group to get etiquette advice from other readers — that's where we got this gem!)

"I have this really good friend. I love her to death, but she tends to overshare with me, and it's pretty uncomfortable at times. Every time she has sex, I get a text. "Just had amazing sex!" "He's soo great in bed . . . just had the best sex ever!" (Just some of the examples that come to mind.) I get one of these texts almost daily, and it really drives me nuts. I'm afraid that if I say this to her she'll think she can't tell me anything. (She tends to react dramatically.) We are really close and do share a lot, but I don't need an update everytime she gets it on. I don't know what to do!"

A new British study finds that about four in 10 women cannot keep a secret no matter how confidential the subject. What really surprised the researchers was the speed with which the confidantes spilled the beans: in less than 48 hours!

The study, which was commissioned by the UK Director of Wines of Chile (?!), involved 3,000 women between the ages of 18 and 65. The most common recipients of their secrets? Boyfriends, husbands, best friends, and their mothers.

I think there may be something to this last bit of information. I recently told a friend a secret, and she said, "I won't even tell my husband," which made me pause. I wonder if women tell themselves that those people don't count, whereas telling a co-worker, for example, would count. Do you have a hard time keeping secrets? If you're curious about some of the research's other fascinating (if not surprising) findings on women and secrets, read more