communication

Mother's Day spam is choking my inbox. Flowers! Gifts! The pressure to acknowledge Mom on Sunday is unrelenting. But my mom won't be getting flowers. She's been gone for 19 years. And even though I always sent her a Mother's Day bouquet, it would be disingenuous to say we had a close relationship. It was often tense, combative, and frustrating. It was also filled with misunderstanding and unexpressed emotion. No doubt all this was as true for her as it was for me.

But there were lots of good times. And during the last year of her life, when she was very sick, the two of us worked together every day, mending fences and hearts. Over countless games of Scrabble, which she always won, my mom and I laughed and cried and finally found the words that had eluded us.

Both of my kids are grown. Each year I appreciate our relationship more because I know I have won the gold ring of this parenting journey. You take home the gold when you have a healthy relationship with your adult kids. (Please note: My daughter and son are getting older, not me.) On Sunday, we'll all be together sharing a hike and a restaurant meal. And yes, I'm sure there will be flowers involved. But the best gifts my children always give on Mother's Day are two hand-written letters, in which they each beautifully express their love and appreciation for what they've learned from their mom. That's what Mother's Day is for. But when you think about it, none of us moms would get Sunday's preferential treatment without our kids. So it seems beyond fair that I should go public acknowledging my daughter and son for what I have learned from them. Here goes:

• My daughter taught me that anything can be fun. Bring creativity and a playful attitude to any situation and you're set.
• My son taught me that letting go of past resentments is a good way to live. Don't rehash unpleasantness; the hash was bad enough the first time around.
• My daughter taught me that exploration rocks. Seek out the unusual around the world or around the world corner, and when you find it, share it with some who will think it's cool.
• My son taught me that everyone deserves respect. Make sure to consider a kid's point of view even if you can't accommodate it at the moment.
• My daughter taught me that emotions are powerful but not permanent. Step back to give the storm a chance to wind down on its own. If you rush in, trying to fix it, you may add to the deluge.
• My son taught me that real self-confidence comes from within. Go easy on the gold stars. They're not as important as you may think.
• My daughter taught me that being organized and being creative are not mutually exclusive. Get your ducks in a row and you'll have more fun.
• My son taught me that you're never too young to know what love is. Remember that you're never too old either.

Dear Fayette, Ezra, my sweeties, I love you. Thank you for choosing me as your mom. This has always been my favorite gig. Thanks also for all that you've taught me. I look forward to learning more on the hike.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone. Enjoy . . . in joy.

Holly H. is frustrated with her husband's parenting: "It seems that every time he has to deal with the kids he ends up getting into power struggles/arguments with them. One of the specific things that I hear him doing is telling the kids, 'If you don't . . . then you won't.' Instead of the more positive 'After you . . . then you can . . .' They react negatively to this and are much more likely to refuse to do whatever he's telling them to do than if he would say it the second way."

Holly's husband is reacting in a very normal way. Every parent has days when they've yelled so much they're at the end of their rope. Those are the days when you want to run away, and we've all been there. But before you pack your bags, let me share one possible reason why you're being forced to yell, and suggest a way to change things.

Young children tend to gravitate to where they experience the most energy. When a parent yells, he or she exudes a great deal of energy and attention. Think about it from a child's point of view. What do you do when you yell? You stop what you're doing, you turn around, you lock eyes with your child, and you focus all of your words on him. That's a bunch of attention! Children gobble that up and then use childlike reasoning and decide that misbehavior is a good way to get my parent's focused attention — even though they're yelling. No, I'm not going to suggest that you ignore a child's bid for attention; I think that's mean.

I know it's hard to believe that children think they're getting attention when a parent yells, but that's immature reasoning in action. Children don't see the whole picture yet, so they don't really know that behaving well is a better option, unless you show them, repeatedly.

Keep reading.

There's a good reason they're called the "Terrible Twos." Any mom can attest that kids at this stage are highly energetic and often temperamental. At times they're the cutest charmers in the world, but why do they save their meltdowns for the grocery store line or the dinner table with your in-laws?

It's challenging to maintain control and set limits, but there are ways to tame your toddler's tantrums and get her to listen to you and cooperate.
Keep reading for six key strategies from Circle of Moms members who've been through the toddler stage.

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm having a huge problem. I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now and we've had all sorts of communication issues. I cannot get him to talk to me, and it's finally reached a boiling point for me. I've tried almost everything. From yelling, to passive aggressive hints, calmly talking, writing letters, and even writing down a list of things I want to talk to him about. He rarely reciprocates positively to these methods, and most often just not at all. He's just beyond closed off. I also have the issue of him not being truthful with me when I approach him about something at first, only to tell me later a different story about the subject matter. It's led to a huge issue between him and me before.

I understand that as a dating not married/engaged couple we aren't going to have things to talk about everyday, which is fine, I totally understand. I'm a pretty boring person. But I can't hold a conversation with him sometimes. He'll give me a monosyllabic response but turn around and be annoyed with me when I say "OK" in a conversation with no follow-up sentence. Our other problem is we maybe see each other once or twice a week, and our primary mode of conversation is texting. Which he doesn't like, so I have tried to call him at the end of the day to talk to him and he seems totally uninterested in talking to me. I simply just don't know what to do anymore. I've asked him if he's growing bored of me and he said no, but given our past communication issues, I'm not sure I entirely believe him. Don't get me wrong, we get along great when we're together and I do want to be with him.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've run out of ways to communicate with him and I feel like this is starting to take a toll on my sanity.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

“WHAT did you just say?!” Whether they picked it up from friends or from your own stubbed-toe-inspired tirade, hearing your kids curse can be a shocking and troubling experience. Wondering how to respond? Put down the soap and try these 5 tips from Circle of Moms members for encouraging more respectful speech.

1. Set Boundaries

First, set clear boundaries about when (if ever) swearing is permissible. As Tara relayed: “I tell them, when you're with your friends, fine. But not around me, not around other adults, and not around little kids.”

Kerry K. agrees: “Tell him that the home is an unacceptable place to use it, as well as work places [where you need to] interact with others in a professional manner…Give him boundaries as to where it is acceptable and not acceptable to use those words.”

2. Play With Alternatives

Other moms suggest breaking a swearing habit by encouraging a child to substitute funny, tame words for offensive ones. As Wendy B. shared: “I asked them to come up with another word that's similar to the curse, like 'what the fabreesy' instead of 'what the ......!' LOL. They do get creative and it's not cursing.”

3. Model Proper Behavior

“Be the example," Vicki L. advises. She's in good company--many Circle of Moms members warn that if you’re asking your children to speak respectfully, you have to lead by example and limit your own swearing. As Cassie C. contends, "We as their parents need to clean up our language so that we can set a good example for our children."

4. Take Away Privileges

Once ground rules are laid, set consequences for inappropriate language. “Take away privileges,” advises Marilyn M. in the Moms of Teenagers community. “Ground him/her, take away TV, send him/her to their room.” Bonnie G. agrees: “Take something away from them that will real annoy them...(like the internet).”

5. Feed the Curse Jar

Another commonly recommended way of setting up consequences is Autumn A.’s money-based approach: “Decide on (an) amount that each word is worth. That is what it will cost them every time they say it. And make sure that they know you will be keeping track. At our house all cuss words except the "F" word were 25 cents. The "F" word was $1.”

Angela W., whose three kids had to put a quarter in a jar every time they cursed, promises it'll work like a charm: "When they don't get an allowance (because it all went in there), maybe they will stop. My kids did."

Watching your teen son or daughter go through a breakup is a heart-wrenching experience for a parent, as mom-of-two Tammy shares on Cirlce of Moms. Parents can feel powerless to help kids put their emotions into perspective and channel their feelings into positive growth. In these situations, as with most, understanding the science of what is going on in the adolescent body can help guide teens and their parents through a difficult time. Share these notes with your teen and engage in a conversation about how they’re feeling in this moment, and what they need from you.

A Note to Teens on Healthy Relationships and Love

Pheromones will clue you in that this is a person you are attracted to, but it can be hard to tell the difference from being “in lust” versus “in love.” Do you have anything in common? Anything to talk about? Or is it pure animal attraction? When you are in love, you feel at your best with the object of your affection; you feel that you can be yourself (not pretend to be someone you aren’t) and be valued for it. A “soul mate” is someone with whom it’s safe to be vulnerable; you can share your feelings and intimate thoughts without fear of ridicule or betrayal. It is someone you trust, someone who will treat you with respect all the time, not just some of the time. If some of these things are true but not all, you may be in lust, or even in love with the wrong person. Look further for the right person.
 
Red flags of an abusive relationship include irrational and jealous accusations, stalking behavior, threats of violence—basically, one partner exerting control over another through direct or indirect threats. Healthy relationships are ones of mutual respect. Unfortunately, many young people stay in abusive relationships because they fear being abused, think the partner will change, or even because they think they’ll never find anyone else. We know it can be difficult, but part of growing up is learning how to set boundaries.

A Note to Teens on Depression

What we really want you to be aware of is the difference between normal mood swings and some serious problems like depression. All of our emotions are really the effect of various neurotransmitters that travel in our brains. Feeling happy about winning the Irish step dance competition? It’s chemistry. Feeling sad that your family pet died? It’s chemistry. Feeling like getting cozy with your lab partner? It really is chemistry. Nevertheless, you still have the power to influence these neurotransmitters’ effects on you, through what you eat, the ways you think, and the actions you take. For example, by using cognitive-behavioral therapy, you can train your brain to short circuit the flight-or-fight response when confronted with something that causes you excess anxiety, so that eventually you no longer respond that way. Or you can counteract an onslaught of feel-bad chemicals by doing something that releases an army of feel-good chemicals to overwhelm them, such as exercise. In some cases, no matter how hard you may try to convinceyourself to be happy, your brain may not cooperate—leaving you feeling depressed. In this case, you may need to take medication to correct an imbalance in your brain’s messengers, under a doctor’s supervision.
 
Biochemical depression is a disease no different than any other; it just happens to affect the brain, so you don’t look sick on the outside. People with severe depression tend to have higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol and lower levels of the feel good chemical serotonin, leading many to believe it reflects an abnormality in the functioning of hormones and neurotransmitters in the brain.
 
It’s good to know the signs and symptoms of depression, because if it’s something that you or a friend is struggling with, you or she doesn’t have to be stuck with it. People suffering from a mood disorder, especially depression, need the support of those who care about them, because often they’re too ill to seek professional help on their own.

A New York Times #1 best-selling author and host of The Dr. Oz Show, Mehmet C. Oz, M.D. is also professor and vice chairman of surgery at New York Presbyterian-Columbia University and the director of the Heart Institute. For more from Dr. Oz, check out You: The Owner's Manual for Teens, co-authored with Michael F. Roizen, M.D.

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Latasha N. wonders, “How do I stop my child from butting in to my conversations?”

When a child acts rude, makes a mistake, or gets involved in something that’s none of his business, most parents really want to make sure she understands the gravity of the situation, and rightfully so.

Some begin to lecture, to make sure their child knows how bad it is. Others hand down a huge punishment so she’ll never forget what she did. Some parents feel their child’s behavior is a reflection on them, and make decisions about what to do from that place of embarrassment.

Still others are just plain angry, and remain so as a way to punish their child.

Too Upset to Think

I’m not here to tell you how to handle situations with your child. You’re the parent and you know what’s best. But I do want to point out that most children are so upset at being “caught” that they can’t really think.

Really thinking about what happened, what to do to make sure it never happens again, and how to fix it, are what will help ensure that it doesn’t happen again. But how can you achieve that using love, and calm firmness?

Think back to when you were little. Most of us were yelled at, and the yelling caused us to fear or resent our parents. It didn’t cause us to really think about the situation. We would just promise anything we thought our parents wanted to hear so we could get it over with. I didn’t want that situation to unfold with my kids.

Many parents have told me that, when they were little, what did make an impression on them was when their parents said they were disappointed.

Now I’m not advocating that you tell your child you’re disappointed in her. I’m advocating that you change your method to include teaching words. You’ll still make an impression, your child will still learn, but this way it’s done without any residual guilt.

A Loving, Firm, and Effective Response

To help a child really learn from mistakes, he/she needs to be allowed to feel the weight of the consequences of his/her choices and what it will take to fix things.

What if you said, “I’m pretty upset about this. You need to sit here and really think about what happened. When we talk later I want you to tell me 3 things:

• What you will do differently next time so this doesn’t happen again.
• How you plan to fix this.
• And what you think your consequence should be?” (If the parent thinks the situation calls for a consequence.)

“Oh, and by the way, real thinking isn’t something that happens in five minutes. Real thinking can take a whole evening. Based on what you did, I’m guessing you’ll be in here all evening. I’ll check on you in a while to see what you have to tell me.”

This sends the message that you’re disappointed without needing to say it. It tells the child that it’s her responsibility to figure out how to repair the damage she has caused.

It creates a consequence: she has to stay in her room all night, or until you think she has given her actions enough thought. This really can take the place of timeout or being grounded.

And it allows you to remain calm so you can hug and love your child as they figure it all out.

I think that accomplishes just about everything you’d want from your child so she understands the gravity of a situation, don’t you?

Sharon Silver is a parenting educator and the founder of Proactive Parenting. She's also the author of Stop Reacting and Start Responding: 108 Ways to Discipline Consciously and Become the Parent You Want to Be.

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

From "Why do I have to do this?" to "What is masturbation?" kids start to toss challenging questions our way at an early age. How should you deal with the ones they might be too young to understand? Or that you're uncomfortable answering?

I try to be honest with my son about everything, but I don't want to give him information he has no place to file. I grew up in a fairly tight-lipped household in which my curiosity was not exactly encouraged, so I am reactive in the other direction, perhaps sometimes giving my son too much information.

Questions About Bodies and Sex

Questions about sex and body parts commonly trip parents up. "How did the doctor get the baby out of your belly?" and "Why do you have breasts?" are among the ones moms mention on Circle of Moms.

Rebekah G. says she answered the breast question with ease, telling her four-year-old that "women have breasts so they can feed their babies." This seems to me to be a good, if partial, response. And "partial" might be the ticket to navigating your child's questions gracefully. The same questions will, no doubt, come up again when your son or daughter is ready to hear more.

Most experts agree that the direct approach is the healthiest way to answer the perennial question of where babies come from and how they get out of their mothers' bellies. Dr. Bettye M. Caldwell, Professor of Pediatrics at the University of Iowa, suggests that "the best approach is an honest one that doesn't try to offer a college course in human reproduction in one session."

Questions about topics like masturbation make some parents uncomfortable. But the language we use to discuss this with our preschoolers will influence they views as they become increasingly aware of their own bodies. I tend to agree with Circle of Moms member Gayle S., who says, "It's never too early to talk with your child about his body. Never make him feel as though he is doing something wrong.... and explain that what he is feeling is perfectly normal."

Questions About People Who Look Different

Another category of difficult questions altogether is disabilities. How do you explain to a young child why someone is missing a hand, for example? Again, honesty seems to be the best policy. Child psychologist Penelope Leach argues that children see so much variety in the world every day that they tend to accept what they see, unless someone they trust indicates that something's wrong: "Three to four-year-olds can't be sure that there aren't people in the world who only ever have one arm. There are people who have glasses, or are very tall, or have different skin. Why shouldn't there be people in the world who have a different number of arms?"

When Is It Too Much Information?

As many Circle of Moms members note, there are some questions your child may not be ready to hear the answers to—and some you might not be willing or able to answer. Circle of Moms member Sarah B. has a creative approach she learned from Corrie Ten Boom's book, The Hiding Place. The author asked her father a question he didn't feel she was ready to know more about, and her father responded by asking her to pick up a suitcase that was much too heavy for her to carry, and told her, "This suitcase is much like your question ..... Some information is too heavy for you as well. I'll carry the answer with me until you are able to carry it with ease."

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Here's a familiar tale: A boy asks his mother if he can have some candy. Mom says "no," and the boy goes outside to ask Dad. Not knowing that his son has already gone through this with his mother, Dad says "yes."

Who won?

I'd argue that the answer is no-one: the child learned that he can manipulate the more permissive parent, the parents were both undermined, and the household rules, if there were any, flew out the window.

Good Cop/Bad Cop in Parenting

It's often not until we look at ourselves in relation to others that we understand what our discipline styles are. And that "other" is typically our spouse or partner. When two parents' natural tendencies are opposed, they can find themselves, inadvertently, in a "good cop/bad cop" dynamic. Behavioral therapist James Lehman describes this as one parent occupying the role of "best buddy" and the other taking on the role of "nag."

Circle of Moms member Heather B. always thought she'd be the "good cop"—more permissive than her husband. But in reality, it turns out that she is the much stricter parent. She attributes this to the fact that she is always with her son, while her husband comes and goes throughout the day. Her experience is echoed by many stay-at-home moms. And one of them, Regina F., points out that being the "bad cop" isn't all that bad. "It doesn't meant that you don't love your kid," she says. "You just want your child to grow up knowing right from wrong."

My son just turned two, so our family's ideas about discipline are just beginning to form and take root. What's working well for us so far is knowing what we each think about our son's common requests: Can I have a bottle in the middle of the day? Can I have a cookie? Can I watch Elmo? We also try to stay on top of—and enforce—the rules and values he's learning at pre-school. For example, his school has a rule that kids put away their toys when they're finished playing. We honor that rule at home as well, so my son never wonders if that's a step he can skip.

A Unified Front

If you and your spouse often find yourselves playing out the good cop/bad cop dynamic, getting on the same page will help your child develop a clear sense of boundaries. Look for opportunities to initiate the conversation about expectations and rules. For instance, when your child next comes up with a doozy of a request that you and your partner haven't discussed, instead of saying "Go ask your father" and setting your spouse up to be caught off guard, tell your child that you'll discuss it with his father or, depending on the question and the child's age, that the three of you can discuss it together.

This kind of communication seems to be the key. As Amy T. says, "Our kids know (that) Mom and Dad stand behind each other on everything, so they listen to us both quite well." 

Image Source: CCBehavior via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.