breakups

Seeing an ex is never easy, but it doesn't have to be awkward, dramatic, and devastating, either. With wedding season approaching and so many Summer events on the horizon, you may find out that you'll be running into your ex, so now's the perfect time to plan ahead. Rather than reading through old journals and browsing old photos to fuel a breakdown, take a step back and follow these steps for a healthy, positive interaction.

If You're Single

• Find out details. You'll feel better about the situation if you have a clear idea of what you're walking into, so reach out to someone who knows more about the event. How many people will be there? What's the timeline? Where will you be? If you're anxious about being in the gray area with your ex, then finding out some black-and-white details will help to ease the worry.
• Talk to a friend you trust. The last thing you want to do is draw attention to the issue, because that will only make things worse. Rather than reaching out to several people, confide in one close friend who will be there and understands your relationship. Let her know how you feel about it, and ask her to be your buddy for the night to help you navigate any sticky situations.
• Know your boundaries. Every past relationship is different, but take a step back and set some limitations for yourself. Whether it's avoiding the open bar at a wedding or steering clear of certain topics when you talk to him, create a few hard-and-fast rules to be sure you walk away feeling good about your interactions.

If You're Attached

• Consider telling your other half. Depending on the nature of your past and present relationships, you may want to give your current beau a heads-up on your ex's presence. It doesn't need to be a dramatic, drawn-out conversation, but he may appreciate a simple sidenote so that he's not caught off-guard.
• Recognize your tendencies. Be honest with yourself, and if you have a habit of feeling nostalgic whenever you see your ex, make a point to avoid any obvious triggers. Steer clear of one-on-one time, and don't set yourself up for an awkward night by purposely wearing that dress he loved. Drawing attention to your past connection will only make it harder.
• Shift your focus. The easiest way to get through the event is to prioritize other, more positive parts of the night. Stay close to your significatn other, buddy up to your most hilarious girlfriend, and make a point to enjoy yourself in the same way you would if your ex wasn't across the room.

No matter who ended the relationship, a breakup is never easy — and while nothing can erase the pain entirely, these simple steps may lessen the blow. When you're struggling to let go of an ex, it's tempting to turn to ultimatums like "I'll never talk to him again," but those black-and-white plans aren't always realistic. Rather than setting strict rules for yourself and beating yourself up if you break them, try these strategies to move on:

• Set some goals. If there's a passion that you put on the back burner during your relationship, now's the time to pick it back up again. Been missing book club lately? Wishing you had more time for exercise or a cooking class? Erase "date night" from your calendar and fill that time with your favorite hobbies instead.
• Do a digital cleanup. Relationships don't just exist in the real world anymore; now they live on the Internet, too. Luckily, the upcoming KillSwitch app ($1) is making it easier than ever to cut online ties and keep you from getting emotional every time his name pops up. Once you've downloaded the app, it will remove all the pictures, videos, and status updates tagged with your ex's name, then store the photos in a hidden album in case you want to see them later.
• Change the scenery. It can be hard to clear your head when you're surrounded by all the people and places you shared with your ex, so give yourself an emotional break by taking a trip or spending time in another neighborhood. Without all those physical triggers nearby, you'll find it easier to think about something else.
• Grab your planner. Boredom is your biggest breakup enemy, so make a point to call your friends and schedule plenty of fun events that will keep you busy. Even if it's just a coffee date or a nightly walk, those little efforts to stay active can help you shift your focus for the time being.
• Use your support system. Don't feel bad about wallowing every once in a while. It's OK to lean on your friends and family in the wake of a breakup, and if you reach out when you need someone to talk to, you'll have a better chance of finding closure and moving on.

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I have been broken up for a few weeks now. A little time has passed and I don't feel as angry and hurt as I did a few weeks ago, but I am still hurt and confused. At this point, I don't know what I want to do or what I'm supposed to do. I don't know whether to remain friends with him. I feel like in his mind, he believes everything is back to normal and I'm not supposed to be hurt. He is the one who broke up with me. He told me he's already talking to someone else — after lying and saying he wasn't worried about any other women because he wanted to focus on himself. That alone makes me feel like he didn't care about me in the first place.

He has made no effort to make our relationship work. I've done it on my own. He doesn't work for anything. He oversteps my boundaries all the time and goes against my feelings, which is emotional abuse. He wants to be my friend and keep in contact with me, and I don't mind being friends with him, but I'm still very disgusted and angry with him over the stupid decisions he's made. He thought he was making the best decision for the both of us, but he doesn't ever make good decisions and when he does, they only make sense in his delusional mind. He thinks that by telling me these things, he's "keeping it real" with me, but little does he know that it's actually doing more harm than good. I don't know how I feel about him anymore. He doesn't understand the full extent of how badly he hurt me. He is a narcissistic person who doesn't care if he hurts others, and when he does apologize, he ends up doing it again anyway. I feel like he has no remorse.

Keep reading for the rest of this reader's dilemma.

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My ex-boyfriend and I have decided to just be friends. We dated in the past for almost three years, then broke up and got back together about five years later. Our last relationship lasted about a year, then we broke up again. We always had problems and issues, but the first time we broke up, it was because he didn't want a serious relationship and he needed to focus on getting into graduate school.The second time we broke up, it's because there were things about him that I couldn't deal with on a daily basis. So we've decided to just be friends, but every time we talk or visit, he turns it into a "Why don't you love me?" thing. He asks to be intimate and wants to be all lovey-dovey. Because I don't share his affection and don't want to hug and kiss him, he gets angry with me. He goes on and on about how I don't care about him. Sometimes he'll pick a fight with me about something really stupid that he doesn't really care about just because he's mad that I don't want to be in an intimate relationship with him anymore. Eventually he'll apologize and say that it's too difficult to be my friend because he is still in love with me. I told him that I understand and maybe that means we can't be friends. Then he says that he doesn't want to stop talking to me and he won't badger me about not being in love with him anymore. Still, we end up going through the same cycle all over again. 

I don't think I can keep going on like this. He tries to make me feel bad for not being in love with him anymore. We've been friends for 12 years and the idea of not being friends or never talking to him again is terrible, but I don't know what else to do. He is a great person but he's one of those people who can suck all the life out of a room. He's negative about everything, always complaining and putting himself down. These are some of the reasons we didn't last as a couple. I know he has depression and he's trying to deal with it, but his attitude is taking its toll on me. He blames himself for the downfall of our relationship and he can't let himself move on, so in turn he gets angry at me for moving on with my life. Can our friendship be saved?

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This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I had been together for the better part of four years. Admittedly, the relationship had some real problems which we recently decided we couldn't fix. We thought if we kept trying to force the relationship to work, we'd just keep making each other unhappy.

Now though, I just feel numb. It's as though my brain doesn't recognize that we've ended things. I cried while we were talking, but now I don't really know how to process my emotions. I'm not being masochistic, but I don't know how to feel like we've broken up. I recognize that there are emotions I need to work through, I just don't know how to get to them.

Maybe, because for the last year we were long distance, I feel numb because it's not like the breakup suddenly ripped him out of my life. Does that mean that until I see him and then he leaves I will still feel in limbo? I just don't want to stay in some emotional holding pattern forever because we couldn't make things work. Does anyone have any advice for me?

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This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Every time I post my issues here I get really good advice, so here it goes.

I had been dating this guy since 2005 when we broke up last May — for the fourth time. We broke up because he was treating me like I wasn't one of his priorities, along with the fact that he had stopped putting effort into our relationship; he would disappear for days, he wouldn't tell me when he was going out with friends, and he stood me up several times. I decided to confront him and he said he needed time. That was the second time he asked me for that, so I decided it was better to break up. He texted me a couple of times after that and I decided to tell him that I didn't want to be friends, that I was mad and sad for everything that had happened, and that I wanted my time alone.

One month had passed and we still hadn't talked. I felt good, sometimes a little sad, but overall I thought I was moving on, until he contacted me again. Last week, he sent me an email telling me that he was moving. We lived in the same neighborhood so the fact that he was going to move really hit me hard. I cried; I hadn't cried during this whole time, not even the day we broke up and I felt really bad. I responded saying how I was going to miss living in the same neighborhood as him and that we were probably never going to see each other again; he then told me that he still wanted to see me.

Anyways, we ended up emailing each other for a few days, and the last email said that he was finally gone. In one of the previous emails he even asked me if I had watched the new Spider-Man movie yet and I thought he was going to invite me. I replied "no, I haven't but I want to" and he responded "Yeah, I heard it's good." The fact that he didn't invite me hurt and everything has been really hard since. I thought I had moved on, but it turns out that I haven't. I check my email every ten minutes and get very anxious.

Some of my friends tell me that it's a great thing that he moved and how it's going to help me move on since I won't be bumping into him as often. They also say that I should ignore his next email or just write him back telling him that he shouldn't contact me anymore; sometimes I want to tell him that, but the thought of losing him is just horrible. Don't get me wrong I know I have to move on, but I just don't know how to. I don't know how to ignore him or tell him to stop contacting him. I guess I have to find out why he keeps contacting me, being nice to me, and telling me that he wants to see me? Does he still want to be with me?

So, please help. Do you have any methods to move on? Or do you have any insight into what he wants from me?

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We're happy to present this article from our partner site Yahoo! Shine:

"I'm not ready for a relationship." If those six words have ever snapped open your rib cage and scooped out your heart like a gut hook, then you might be a woman. It's the most popular excuse women hear when they're being dumped, according to a survey. 

The results are based on more than 500 male and female users of Wot Went Wrong, a reverse dating site that allows exes to get and give answers about unsuccessful relationships. In a period of four months, 15 percent of female users got the "not ready" response — the kind of reason that makes you want to ask more questions. But you might not want to dig too deep. Keep reading for the list.

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My ex and I broke up a while ago. We broke up because he was very controlling, we had a lot of miscommunication and there was unavailability on his part. The sex was very good though! He wants to be friends with benefits and we talked about it and agreed we would try it out. After a few days of talking he gave me a list of rules that I have to follow. I have taken the worst out of the batch to list them here.

-You are not allowed to contact me, only I am allowed to contact you. You can reply to me only with the information of if you are free. No small talk allowed. I don't care for it.

-I would like to date and have sex with other women. If you see me anywhere I would want you to act like we are strangers.

-This thing ends when I tell you it ends. I am the determinant of that.

-There is to be no drama from you in anyway. If anything hurts or if you do not enjoy it. You will then need to woman up.

After reading this I felt as if he was being sexually abusive and controlling-yet again. I told him I didn't want to follow through with it. I am just ignoring him now . . . am I being unreasonable when he doesn't want to agree and compromise with things WE BOTH WANT? What would you do in this situation?

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This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

He is 24 and I am 22. He is a PhD student. I am a Bachelor student. We were together for three years. My boyfriend and I just broke up two months ago and this was the third time breaking up. The reason was me. After I read your articles, I just found out that I was needy, pushy, controlling, and obsessive. (I wish I found out this blog earlier.) I had improved myself, but since he moved out from his house and started to live by himself, he became super busy. He has to work and/or study seven days a week and had so little time for me. Because of this, I began to be more needy, pushy, controlling, and obsessive. I wanted to see him as much as I can but he often said that he was too tired from work or he has to read books for his thesis and it made me angry and sad because I felt that he didn't love me as much as I loved him. We fought every week and finally he broke up with me. He said that I added more stress to his life which was stressful already. His migraine which had gone away for 10 years came back. He felt guilty that he didn't have time for me.

After we broke up, we still talk to each other almost everyday. I sometimes ask him to have a dinner, and if he is free, he will come (but mostly he has to work) so I'm mostly refused. I hate that feeling because I always think carefully when I ask him. He never asks me out. I once told him that I wanted to get back with him but he refused and said that he didn't believe me anymore that there would be no big problems like this. He thought that we had broken up and gotten back together two times and that showed that we couldn't get along.

What should I do? How am I going to gain his trust back and get back together? I can feel that he still loves me. I don't know what it is between us and I don't like the feeling but I do like that we are so casual. He said he likes this too. If we are like this, how am I going to be his girlfriend again?

And the most important thing is I don't want to be pushy, needy, controlling, and obsessive. I always find a person to be my only source of happiness. I know that I have to keep myself busy so I hang out with friends a lot and, inattentively, I start to do these habits to one of my best friends. Please help me.

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