The Onion

The Onion iPad App
The Onion

Download of the Day: The Onion For iPad

The Onion has had its own iPhone app for a while, but it now has a brand-new iPad version for sharing its humorous and satirical content.
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The Onion has had its own iPhone app for a while, but it now has a brand-new iPad version for sharing its humorous and satirical content. Released on Friday, the free app is described as the "last bastion of unbiased, reliable, and definitive news in a world dominated by superficiality, mediocrity, and non-Onion news outlets."

The HTML5 app features all of your favorite Onion content: articles, photos, even video, inviting users to touch the news. "Swipe it, poke it, berate it, and it reacts accordingly."

Download the free iPad app from the App Store. It requires iOS 4.2 or higher.

The Onion: Abortion Law Requires Women to Paint Nursery
Love and Sex

The Onion: Abortion Law Requires Women to Paint Nursery

Inspired by Oklahoma's intrusive legislation surrounding abortion — one piece puts a woman's personal details online and the other requires women to view an ultrasound before they can terminate a pregnancy — The Onion imagines what could come next.
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Inspired by Oklahoma's intrusive legislation surrounding abortion — one piece puts a woman's personal details online and the other requires women to view an ultrasound before they can terminate a pregnancy — The Onion imagines what could come next.

In this video, commentators discuss a "law" that requires women to paint a nursery and name their unborn children before they can get abortions. Of course, one pundit doesn't think this goes far enough, saying: "She should be required to sit in the nursery at least an hour per day, surrounded by baby booties and pacifiers, so she won't regret rushing to a decision later." The parody hits too close to reality for comfort.

Friday Feel Good! Archaeologist Unearths Friendster
Humor

Friday Feel Good! Archaeologist Unearths Friendster

Way back in 2004 AD, Friendster, a civilization of 50 million people, was thriving.
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Way back in 2004 AD, Friendster, a civilization of 50 million people, was thriving. Then one day — poof! — the inhabitants deserted it. The Onion, a practically legitimate news outlet these days, got in touch with Dr. Maxwell Fry, who stumbled upon the perfectly preserved site of the civilization. The archaeologist isn't quite sure if an Internet virus caused the people to flee or if it was intended only to be a temporary society established to fill the void of something called "AOL." Dr. Fry doesn't realize Friendster was actually conquered by a tribe called MySpace, which went on to dominate the social networking world for decades until Facebook came along.

Former CNN Anchor Bobbie Battista Now on The Onion
News

Former CNN Anchor Bobbie Battista Now on The Onion

“You watch the news today, and you don’t know what is real.
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“You watch the news today, and you don’t know what is real. When I was doing newscasts at CNN, people would come up to me and say, ‘That story can’t be real.’ Now the lines are really getting blurred.”




— Former CNN news anchor Bobbie Battista, now an anchor on the satirical news site The Onion, doing her part to blur the lines between real and fake news even further. Although hesitant at first to accept the job at The Onion for fear that her former CNN colleagues would think less of her, Battista nevertheless doesn't see it as a step down. She thinks cable news itself has taken a dive. To watch an example of her hilarious deadpan reading of ridiculous news, read more

Police View 40,000 Dumb Party Photos to Guess Cause of Fire
Video

Police View 40,000 Dumb Party Photos to Guess Cause of Fire

Sometimes cell phone cameras and portable digital video cameras can turn innocent bystanders into a police investigator's best friend.
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Sometimes cell phone cameras and portable digital video cameras can turn innocent bystanders into a police investigator's best friend. But in the case of a dorm room fire at a party at NYU, the partygoers' documentation helped as much as it hindered the investigation. After sifting through 40,000 images and videos of young women making out, posing with goofy sexy faces, and people drawing penis pictures on a passed out student's face, police finally determined that the fire was caused by a dropped, lit cigarette. (Seriously, enough with the goofy sexy faces!)

The Onion Discovers Why Obama Seems Depressed
The Onion

Sad About BSG Being Over? So Is the President

You know, I thought something was off.
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You know, I thought something was off. I've noticed that President Obama's eyes haven't had quite the same sparkle for the past few weeks, and The Onion finally tells us why: Battlestar Galactica is over.

Apparently, the President was a huge BSG fan and has recently blown off daily routines and has shown signs of depression! A staffer for Mr. Obama gives us the inside scoop:

He no longer cares if he lets himself go "just like Lee did before the rescue on New Caprica," and has told aides he feels "like a cylon without a Resurrection Ship."

Ahh, Mr. President, I feel your pain. My Friday nights also feel a little colder. We can get through it together buddy. Yes we can.

Source

Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport
Humor

I Never Want to Land in This Airport!

I love Czech novelist Franz Kafka as much as the next brooding existentialist, but I never want to land at his namesake airport in Prague.
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I love Czech novelist Franz Kafka as much as the next brooding existentialist, but I never want to land at his namesake airport in Prague. Named as the world's most alienating airport, Franz Kafka International takes the confusion of air travel and multiplies it by a million. The average delay? 31 hours. How long might delays last? Some disgruntled customers have reported month-long delays. And who wants to land in an airport whose Gate B2 is next to Gate B11, while Gate B14 is in the F terminal? Not me. I bet there are giant roaches running all over the place too! Sheesh. Get with the program, Prague!

Congressman Offers Preemptive Apology For Extramarital Affair
Humor

Congressman Offers Preemptive Apology For Extramarital Affair

Rep. Gregory White, Democrat from New Hampshire, is really, really sorry for what he's about to do.
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Rep. Gregory White, Democrat from New Hampshire, is really, really sorry for what he's about to do. So he apologizes to his wife, his constituents, and to his children, who are soon going to be privy to his sexual fetishes. Well, you can't say this prepology isn't unique! And now, I must prepologize to my stomach for the nachos with sour cream, extra jalapenos, and hot sauce I am about to inflict on it. (Can we still be friends?)

The Onion Reports Jennifer Love Hewitt Pays Magazine $2.2 Million To Run Photos of Her Baby
Jennifer Love Hewitt

Jennifer Love Hewitt Pays Magazine $2.2 Million To Run Photos of Her Baby

When you're an A-list celeb who's just given birth, or even an obscure person who suddenly finds herself with 16 babies (whoops — how ever did that happen!), a baby these days pretty much guarantees a tabloid cover, plus a nice sum of money.
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When you're an A-list celeb who's just given birth, or even an obscure person who suddenly finds herself with 16 babies (whoops — how ever did that happen!), a baby these days pretty much guarantees a tabloid cover, plus a nice sum of money. And for the lower-tiered stars? Well, The Onion imagines that, like the rest of us peons, they'd have to suck it up and fork over some cold hard cash just to get attention. On noncelebrity planet earth, only your friends and family care that you had a baby. (I know — crazy, right?)