Sunday Confessional

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

An ex-boyfriend and I have agreed that we are disastrous at dating each other, and after three failed attempts, we swore it off — and we make wonderful friends. We can tell each other anything, and our families never really stopped talking to the ex. There are no insinuations from either side, but they know we're friends. After our last few breakups, we stopped talking for years until the deaths of his grandmother and his friend brought us back together. Despite the years, it was like no time had passed, and we picked up right where we left off in the friendship.

Admittedly, our friendship is an odd one that is often misunderstood by many, including our own significant others who see deeper feelings that don't actually exist. At his ex-fiancée's insistence, we stopped being friends because she thought we were in love and didn't appreciate the challenge to her relationship. At that point, it had been three years since we split, and we were both seeing other people. Despite promising her that nothing would happen, we split amicably and resumed the friendship when they called off the marriage because she was unfaithful.

Realizing that we'd walked back into each other's lives for the 20th time after a split, we are now questioning why. Could it be that we're just compatible as friends?

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This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

Clearly I have trust problems. I'm more than ready to admit this. I've been with this guy for eight years. We live together. Our story is really messed up — I feel like I have to warn you.

One time I broke my cell phone, and he lent me his old cell phone to use for the time being, until I bought a new one. I took some pictures on it, and while uploading my pictures onto my computer, I found older pictures on it of him and some other girl in a bar. He is standing straight and taking the picture, but she is leaning into him, with her face on his shoulder and her head pressed to his cheek. Since this was completely an accident and he was right there, I got very upset, and he said that he chatted up the girl just to prove to his guy friends that he could and showed them the picture to prove it. I've always been jealous and insecure and suspicious and I feel like this made it even worse.

Fast-forward, I snoop because I feel like he's hiding things and being dishonest, while he says he's hiding things because I would just freak out and not trust him about it. We've had a talk where I apologized for my lack of trust and asked him for help by always telling me everything regarding other women, and I'll try my best to not get jealous and freak out about it. He agreed but did not tell me anything, and we just fell back into the same thing.

I keep snooping and eventually find texts on his phone with a phone number he has saved but with no name. The girl talks to him about her life, says she wishes he would clean her apartment for her and that she loves to hear from him and it makes her smile. I confront him with it, and he gets furious, saying I have no respect for his privacy, and that there's nothing going on, and that I should call the girl to find out for myself.

I do call the girl, but from her end, it seems like they've been texting back and forth for years and that some things have happened in the past, but she is not clear on it. She says that talking about the memories brings back pain and that she "had been young — it was a mistake." However, she also lies to me and says they haven't talked since god knows when, when I just saw their texts that day. They met in a place we used to live, and he never introduced me to her or talked about her. I never even knew about her until now, two years later, after we've moved away for two years.

After our fight over these texts, he goes to the extreme and disconnects his phone, saying that is the only way he can give both he and I peace of mind. I guess I just want to hear random people on the Internet tell me that I'm really crazy and this all needs to stop.

My friends say different things. Some say that if I trusted him I wouldn't snoop, and some say that if he had nothing to hide he wouldn't mind my snooping. I don't know what I think now. It's all a jumble of hurt and confusion.

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This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

In every other relationship I've ever been in, I've never been bothered by "other women." I've always felt extremely confident in myself, my attitude, and my looks. I was never the jealous type or the kind of woman who was constantly comparing herself to others. I just wasn't like that. That is, until I became involved with my current boyfriend.

We've been together for approximately a year, and I rarely see my friends anymore. I don't go out much because I'm always spending time at home with him. At first, he never made it apparent or obvious when he thought another girl was attractive. His attention was always on me. I know it would be normal if he did, but he never used to watch porn or have "hot girl" magazines around, but lately everything's changed. I find he's been watching porn on the laptop, and usually I would never care. Then he started buying all sorts of magazines, ones full of beautiful, voluptuous women. In front of me, he's even said to his friend: "Check out the chicks in here!"

Like I said, I'm not used to feeling jealous and insecure over petty magazines and some porn, but it makes me so sad and angry and frustrated with myself. I've started to question if he's even attracted to me anymore. I mean, the women in these magazines have the exact opposite of my body type. I'm 5'4", thin, and 100 pounds. I have A-cup breasts, but I have a nice full bum that I love and long legs. I've never questioned myself in this way before and I don't understand why it's happening with him.

We also don't have sex as much anymore and I don't know why. I'm always down, but he seems to make excuses. Why does he make me feel more insecure than ever before? Maybe if the women in these pictures resembled my body type in some way, I'd feel better, but instead, I wonder: am I not what he's into? Am I not his type?

Tonight, when I came home, he was on YouTube searching "boob slip" and "nipple slips" and I was totally weirded out. First of all, who searches that? And second, I feel like he'd rather look at other women's breasts than at mine. I explained how I'm feeling and told him that I thought he was being really insensitive — I even brought up the magazines, but he says I'm overreacting. He said that guys don't have one single type, which is understandable, but why does he have to be so stunned about how he's hurting my feelings? I hate how he leaves those magazines just lying around everywhere. Am I being crazy and hormonal and insecure, or do I have a reason to be upset? How can I overcome this crazy jealousy?

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This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

My boyfriend was with his ex for nine years. They got married, and within a few months, she broke up with him and moved to another continent. They had issues, but when I started dating him — just four months after she left — he told me they were on good terms. Ever since we started dating, we've taken things slowly because we both just came out of long-term relationships. Ten months later, we're very much in love, and everything's going great, except for this: I recently found out he's still working with his ex.

When we first started dating, he told me that he felt responsible for taking care of her and making sure she's OK because it was his fault that they broke up. She lives on another continent, but her lifestyle is far worse than it used to be when she was with him because she has a hard time finding a job. When they were together, she worked for his consulting agency, so I assume he's helping her out financially by sending her projects to work on.

Now I don't have a problem with this at all. That he's trying to help her. My problem is that he told me he'd be open about everything, then he didn't say a word about her for months. Every now and then, when I turn off his phone alarm, I see a text or email from her. It's been over four times this week, so now I'm getting annoyed because that's just too often. I'm afraid he's still too concerned with her, while she's not even his wife anymore! I feel like he's holding onto her in any way he can — which won't let our relationship progress. I'm not even sure what I find worse: the fact that they talk so often or the fact that he's trying to help her out with work. I haven't said anything to him yet because I don't want to be that jealous girlfriend, but I do believe I have something to say here.

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This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

I have been having some awful habits, lately, especially in the past year. With my education and career, I am turning into this lazy, good-for-nothing procrastinator. I can't achieve anything, and every time I decide to change, I just never get to even starting to change.

In my romantic life, I have been having serious insecurities, trust issues, and I have been really making it hard for my man to endure this. Again, every time I decide that I'm NOT going to pick fights over nothing, I'm not going to check his cell phone, I'm not going to question him about every darn place he has been today and whys or whats and whens and wheres, I do it again. I just control myself for couple weeks and then the monster comes out again.

I have taken therapy and I am trying to use the techniques I've been told, but to no avail. My self-esteem is now so low, I feel like a nagging useless person.

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This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

I've been with my boyfriend Todd for almost a year now. I've been hurt so many times and I've been through a lot of cheating and trust issues from previous relationships, but I've opened myself up to Todd and loved again. I'm so comfortable and open with him. I feel like I do everything for him — literally. I cook for him, I do his laundry, I clean his room, I clean his bathroom, I do his dishes, and I pack his lunch for work. I also cut his hair, shave his face, and listen to him talk about his day. I shower him with love and affection, I pick him up when he's down, and I support him in every decision he makes. I take his advice and never tell him no, I do whatever he asks, and even if he's going to do something I'm not crazy about, I tell him my opinion but don't stop him from doing it.

He's a good boyfriend. He cooks dinner and makes me laugh, but lately I've been feeling like he takes me for granted. He argues with me about random things and then later admits that he was just bored. He'll say crazy things like, "You're always comparing me to movie stars," or "You always doubt me," or "You want me to be perfect." I don't do those things. He says crazy, off-the-wall things that aren't true and gets me all worked up, then when I'm mad, he just wants to end the fight. I love my boyfriend, but I feel like he doesn't do as much for me as I do for him. If I've had a long day at work and ask him for a back rub, he doesn't do it. Or if I want to watch a romantic movie, he says no because he's jealous of the TV — upset that I'd rather watch TV than lay and talk all night with him.

We're both in our 20s, and I don't even live with him but I still do all these things for him. When it's our time to hang out, he spends time with me cooped up in the house. Then when I'm at work, he goes out on little adventures or goes places with his friends or goes to expensive dinners. Am I wrong for feeling neglected? Shouldn't he shower me with love, affection, attention, and gifts? It's not like he doesn't have money — he just got back from a business trip out of the country. I'm not asking for much, and yes, I've brought this to his attention. He claims guys and girls are different and that he gives me 100 percent. He claims that all the stuff I give him is 100 percent and what he gives back is 100 percent and that I can't beg for more because he physically can't give more.

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This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

I'm fickle, I always have been. I have a boyfriend who is very nice to me, fixes things in my house, treats me well and is very devoted. He is not as social as I am, though, and we don't have very much in common. I tend to go out by myself a lot or with friends because I like to be around people while he would rather sit at home — I've always made it a point to invite him though. 

I decided to quit smoking and started hanging around a place for ex-smokers as a support group, that's where I met this guy who works there. He shares all of my interests, we have a ridiculous amount of things in common, share a lot of the same beliefs and values, and we never seem to run out of things to talk about. It's gotten to the point where I'll spend entire afternoons just hanging around with him and we're going out to dinner tonight with the two other guys who work there. We like all of the same things and he's very social and very comfortable to be around, very easy to talk to and I feel like he understands me better than the person I live with. I feel completely dishonest because I can't bring myself to tell him that I'm living with someone and I'm hiding this friendship from the guy I'm with because I know there's more to it than a friendship. I don't want to act on impulse, but I really feel like I've met my match here, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I care about my boyfriend, he's a great guy, I do love him, but I can't help feeling like this guy might be exactly what I'm looking for in a partner.

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This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

So I've been prepping to do this for several weeks now, refining and rewriting my letter over and over until it's exactly what I want to say and how I want to say it. I just clicked the send button and now it's in God's hands, awaiting their response . . . Have my support structure in place, just hope I am as ready as I think I am.

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This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

I started a new job about three months ago and I can't tell if my co-worker is hitting on me or not. Either way, the whole thing makes me really uncomfortable because I'm married. One day I walked into his office, and he told me how pretty I looked. He has a really hot accent, and of course, I was flattered — turned red and everything — then walked away.

Another day, he had to show me how to do something on my computer and he sat superclose to me. He's a very subtle flirt, but it's happening more and more often. Why does he do this? He knows I'm married, so is he just friendly? Am I reading way too much into this? What are a guy's motives to subtly hit on a married woman?

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This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

I found out a year ago from him and tried to gently talk to her. She denied everything but was a complete emotional mess and said things that gave her away — it was so sad and clear she was in love with him.

Dave (names changed) has been married for 25 years to an amazing woman, and they've truly had a great marriage in many ways. Mary's been in a couple of long-term relationships but has never married and the man she's with is still living with his ex platonically — she's given up on marrying him. She's got a long history of being "the other woman" or competing with women who aren't completely in the past.

To complicate it all, I was once Dave's girlfriend and introduced them. We had an intense relationship, and I loved him dearly, but he used her and other women to make me jealous, and so I left him for another man. Dave and Mary dated for a month immediately after, and she ended up getting involved with someone else, too. He would tell her I was this great love (he never told me that, BTW). I'm thinking that had something to do with the brevity of their dating. Instant karma! Dave clearly likes women to compete for him. So to kill the game, I simply stopped contact with him for years until he and I were both married because we have a great deal in common, but still rarely wrote. But then the confessions began.

When Dave met his now-wife and was about to propose, he told me he hoped Mary would realize she was going to lose him and say, "No, you need to marry me," but she didn't. And he's mad at her for that. To this day.

When he confessed this and more, I asked him how he and his wife could possibly socialize with Mary, given his strong feelings for her. He says it's because he can control himself. I'm sure too it gives him some sly pleasure. And as if that all weren't enough, he also hit on me as well, calling me "his soul mate — my wife certainly is not" (if it were my vote, I knew she was, really). How his great love for Mary fits into all that ("I lust after you equally, but Mary has the edge romantically"), I have no idea. What insanity. I realized he wasn't just once-an-immature-but-otherwise-cool young man — he was a pretty horribly manipulative guy.

So I stopped contact with him again. That was a year ago.

I have a question for you: if it were you, would you, as the wife, want to know about this? I would. But I also don't want to be part of this. So I keep on going back and forth. I'd like to do something. Ugh. Maybe make an effigy of him and burn it? Thanks, everyone!

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