Take a walk on the wild side! Before baby, sex could take place anytime, anywhere, but once a lil one arrives, intimacy is often the furthest thing from a mama's mind. It's time to reprioritize and focus your attention on your relationship. Sex therapist and GoodinBed.com contributor Dr. Ian Kerner gives us reasons new parents' need to rev up their sex lives and the necessary steps for getting there.
"Feeding, changing diapers, shopping, and cleaning don’t necessarily lead to sexual attraction," says sex therapist and GoodinBed.com contributor Dr. Ian Kerner. Sex may require more work once there's a baby in the house, but it doesn't have to be less fun. Once couples decide to make their sexual relationship a priority, it's time to work on the details. I spoke with Dr. Kerner about advice he gives new parents. "Sex is sort of like food," he says. "There are lots of different food groups, and there are lots of different types of sex, and you have to be engaging in all of them. There is sex that enhances intimacy, a sort of lovemaking. There’s sex that’s sort of sex for the sake of sex. There’s sex that really appeals to fantasy and imagination. Then there’s sex that appeals to all of the different senses. I give parents exercises that pull from each of those groups." Keep reading to see what the doctor recommends.
Every parent fears that Modern Family moment where the kids walk in on them having sex. According to sex therapist and GoodinBed.com contributor Dr. Ian Kerner, once you have children, couples should still have a healthy sex life. "You need to kind of develop a sex schedule that works within your baby’s schedule. That means being a lot more creative and maybe doing it in the morning, or having a quickie in the afternoon. Where there’s a will there’s certainly a way, but you have to be creative!" With Valentine's Day fast approaching, iDr. Kerner's tips for keeping busy without the tots ruining the mood might come in handy!
It's time to get back in bed! Though 54 percent of LilSugar mothers said they had sex on or before they were six weeks postpartum, the prospect of getting back in the sack has many new moms running for cover. Sex therapist and GoodinBed.com contributor Dr. Ian Kerner says, "It’s important to jump right back in the saddle, but to be prepared before you hop on." Here are Dr. Kerner's tips for your first post-baby romp!
Life becomes a juggling act once lil ones enter the picture. But the act that brought you baby needs to remain a constant in order to maintain your relationship. As we approach Valentine's Day, there's no better time to evaluate the current state of your union. According to sex therapist and GoodinBed.com contributor Dr. Ian Kerner, "Routine, predictability, and patterns of behavior are really important to relationships, especially after you have a baby when everything becomes scheduled. But that kind of routine really works against the spontaneity and unpredictability of sexual attraction." Here are his five reasons to have sex.
Anyone who has ever watched a sitcom knows that new parents are the butt of most sex jokes. While sex (and often times fertility treatments) get couples into the family way, they aren't always quick to hop back in the sack once the lil ones arrive. "Studies have shown that 90 percent of new parents have experienced a decline in relationship satisfaction," said Dr. Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and contributor to GoodinBed.com, as well as the co-author of Love in the Time of Colic ($13). "That’s a big percentage of parents that are happy to be parents, but not happy in their relationships." I spoke with Dr. Kerner about the obstacles new parents face in finding time for one another. Here's what he had to say.
TrèsSugar readers post all types of unique and detailed questions in our community Group Therapy. But we also see some repeat players, including a variation of this reader question: "What can I do to increase my libido? Should I just have sex even when I don't feel like it?" I decided to go to sexologist Dr. Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, for his expert opinion. He says that lack of female sexual arousal could be a physical condition, caused by stress, medication, or a specific disease like diabetes or MS. So it's important to check with your doctor. Beyond a physical issue, a mental block about your relationship could also result in a low libido. If that's the case, here's Dr. Kerner's advice:
Are you happy with your relationship overall, or is the lack of libido a symptom of your attitude toward the situation? Do you find yourself sexually attracted to other men, but then that feeling seems to disappear when it comes to thoughts of intimacy with your partner? Remember that once the lust of a new partner wears off, your sexual connection is tied to much broader feelings of your relationship. If you are unhappy, figure out what it is — has he stopped paying attention to you like he used to? Has he let himself go and gained a few pounds?
Also look to yourself. Are you unhappy with your physical appearance or other factors that are stopping you from connecting with your partner? Consider if these are things you’re comfortable discussing with your partner and are willing to work on together. Remember a great relationship is a long road, so you’ll hit some bumps, but hopefully you can smooth things out more often than not, and when you feel a strong connection, it generally translates to more satisfaction in bed.
As for whether or not you should have sex when you're not in the mood, Dr. Kerner says there's not a clear yes or no answer. Find out what he has to say after the jump.
"It's great to watch a steamy sex scene for entertainment and even inspiration," explains sexologist Dr. Ian Kerner, "but it’s important to keep it in perspective." The author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman tells me that couples should set reasonable goals.
"My wife and I laugh when we watch shows where married folks are constantly getting it on," he says. "Real-life couples don't act that way." He suggests instead of attempting sex seven days a week like they might on TV, shoot for two or three times. Great. More time to watch TV!
Other obvious sex realities that Dr. Kerner says movies and TV seem to ignore:
- In real life, sex isn’t a passionate quickie that lasts for 30 seconds and ends with simultaneous orgasms.
- In real life, people wake up with morning breath.
- In real life, people like to clean up a bit after sex.
- In real life, men don’t always cuddle.
- In real life, people don’t walk through the door and have sex before taking off their Winter coats.
- In real life people don’t have sex on the first date and necessarily fall in love. Only 1.4 percent of married couples had sex within two days of knowing each other.
Any more to add? Check out what other advice Dr. Kerner has to offer.
Like with sports or a new job, people can only improve sexual skills with practice and a helpful coach. Dr. Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, says that the key to helping your man become a better lover is "encouraging and enticing him to go beyond his current repertoire." So how do you do that? Dr. Kerner offers specifics to try, along with tips on how to introduce them into your sex life:
Play as a Team: "Sure you may take turns pleasuring one another, but overall the goal is a mutual experience and shared pleasure that connects you as a couple. So, it’s critical you make sure he feels encouraged and not like he’s fulfilling a task. Consider your body language when he does things you like – do you moan, let out a giggle, arch your back, and set off other signs to tell him he's on the right track? Tell him too when he’s doing something you like. Positive messages need to be reinforced both mentally and physically — so when something feels good, let him know with your body and your words, and the same thing applies when something could feel better."
Play Tour Guide: "Body language and bedroom talk can help, but some guys need turn-by-turn directions, so don’t be afraid to show him the way. Find playful and erotic ways to show, even instruct him a little. You can guide his hands around your body, highlighting how you like to be touched on your more sensitive areas. Don’t stop there — do the same by showing where and how you like him to kiss or lick, or to use the 'toys' you keep in your nightstand. And keep in mind, it’s not just what you do, or where you do it, but also when you do it. The more aroused a guy is the more his body, and yours for that matter, is going to respond to more intense types of touch and stimulation."
Get the rest, after the jump!
"Chivalry isn’t dead, it’s just asleep," explains Dr. Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. In an interview, he told me that while it's hard to guess how a man will perform, those who still practice chivalrous behavior will likely put women first inside the bedroom, too.
"Guys who open doors or push in chairs are communicating their feelings about you as a top priority," he says, "and as long as the date goes well, the benefits may translate between the sheets." In addition to overall politeness and respect, here are four good signs to look out for, according to Dr. Kerner:
- He enjoys physical intimacy outside of the bedroom, like hugging, kissing, cuddling.
- He takes time to listen to you during conversations and has a real interest in your life and
what’s going on with you.
- He can stop what he’s doing to make time for you.
- He takes the time to do things for you: create playlists, pick out the perfect sexy lingerie,
recommend books, etc.
Does your experience match up?
Stay tuned for more tips from Dr. Kerner, who will be providing his insight just in time for Valentine's Day!