Fighting

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Hey!

Well I broke up with my boyfriend of two years on Saturday. This isn't exactly the first time I've broken up with him; I tend to do it a lot out of anger, but it's always temporary and everything turns out fine afterward. If it helps you to understand me, I'm a pisces so I tend to get over emotional. The reason that I broke up with him was because I felt like he wasn't putting in much of an effort for our relationship. Neither one of us works because we are full-time students, so there is plenty of time for us to see each other. I get a little pissed when I hear that he makes plans to hang out with his friends, but doesn't make the effort to spend quality time with me.

On Saturday we had a date planned. We hadn't seen each other since Tuesday, and I missed him. That night about 30 minutes before he was supposed to pick me up, he called me to say that he went to visit his mom and she opened up to him about her distant relationship with his stepfather. During their conversation she got a bit teary eyed, so my boyfriend made the decision to cancel our date to stay with her for support. I admit that I acted selfishly and I should have been more understanding. I realize that now. I never meant to make it seem like I wanted to to be a bigger priority then his mother. That was not in any way my intention.

Since I've acted out of anger before, I know I've pushed him to the edge. I want to apologize for my harsh words and selfish act. I don't expect him to take me back, but I still feel that I need to get this off of my chest. I do still want to be with him, but of course, like many couples, we have our share of problems. How much time should I allow to pass before I make an attempt to see him? And under what method should I speak with him? I want to do this face to face, but knowing how he is when he is pissed, he probably wouldn't pick up a call from me to plan a meeting. I know his class schedule, so should I casually bump into him on campus and request a private word?

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Teenage girls are getting angrier, and they're expressing their emotions with more punches, slaps, and kicks than ever before. Fingers have pointed to binge drinking as liquor numbs feelings, making girls less adept at coping with emotions. But girls have been binge drinking for decades, so I don't entirely buy that Students Against Drunk Driving warning. What does intrigue me is the sociological explanation: girls are tired of being the passive sex and are emulating male behavior.

Mike Fisher, an anger management psychotherapist, says it's becoming increasingly socially acceptable for girls to fight, especially in inner-city schools where they feel the need to stand up for themselves physically. It's reached the point where brawling girls now have their own, very boyish name — ladettes — at least according to the British press.

So now the question is how will these girls grow up? Considering the number of women found guilty of murder, assault, and other attacks has risen by 81 percent in the UK since 1998, chances aren't looking so good.

We can't control the timing of most relationship arguments, but if you have a bone you've been waiting to pick, you might want to put it on the calendar for 3 p.m.

According to a survey sponsored by a maker of hormonal contraceptives (I'm sure there's a motive behind the study), 3 p.m. is the best time for a woman to win an argument. It also found that your boss is most likely to give you a promotion at 1 p.m. — although I'd hope more than timing would go into that decision.

The study wants us to all get in touch with our biorhythms and mood swings so we can lead a more agreeable life and, of course, get what we want. A psychotherapist gives her take: "the hormones in our bodies can affect our moods. It is important to choose the right contraceptive option for you to ensure you are in tune with yourself, to complement your natural rhythms." There's the tie-in!

Now does timing your fights based on your partner's and your own physiological mood swings count as fighting fair or fighting dirty?

Fighting, by nature, is unpleasant. There's no great way to do it, but some methods are more productive than others. Fighting fairly is a learned skill, so I'm sure we've all pulled out some less-than-fair tricks. But fighting dirty can ruin relationships and marriages. In fact, psychologists can predict what marriages will last by observing how couples fight.

When two partners withdraw and refuse to talk, it's a hopeless situation. When one partner makes an earnest attempt to discuss the problem, but the other person withdrawals, it's still a hopeless situation. Walking away to calm down is a smart tactic, but if the problem isn't discussed later then nothing's ever solved.

So how do you recognize an unfair tactic in the moment? Familiarize yourself with these eight signs of dirty fighting below.

A co-worker of mine recently shared an idea of how she breaks up her cat and dog when the play fighting turns blood-drawing, head-in-mouth real. She lives in a flat with roommates, and while the humans are away, the pets play. Poor kitty needed a break from the boisterous Labrador but was finding it hard to hide. The solution? My co-worker drilled a chain door lock on the outside of her bedroom door. When she leaves for work, she keeps the door open but latches the lock, and voila, an opening just wide enough for the cat to squeeze in and claim sanctuary until she is ready to be friends again.

Would you try it, and if not, how do you break up fights between your pets? Share in the comments!

Source: Flickr User Greencolander

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The majority of us say makeup sex is a fine way to end an argument. And it is, as long as you're not using sex to solve (or not solve) problems or instigating arguments to initiate sex. If for no other reason than it's Kiss and Makeup Day, let's consider what's so great about makeup sex.

Pleasure and pain are inherently connected. When we're in pain, the body releases endorphins not only to minimize pain, but also to create a sense of power and control to survive the situation. Adrenaline and dopamine levels — associated with desire — rise in the heat of the fight and serve as a substitute for foreplay, creating the perfect storm for hot sex.

Does makeup sex solve your relationship problems, or create more?

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