Breakup

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

The background story: I dated my ex for two years and we've been broken up for almost two years now. I spent a lot of time in his home with his family and friends and I adored them with all my heart. When we broke up, having to leave his family was pretty hard on me. We continued to casually see each other for about 9 months after our break up. Out of nowhere I found out he had a baby and that was when all hell broke lose. The girl he got pregnant found out he had still been seeing me. The gist of it was: she said ugly things to me, I said ugly things to her and then my ex and his friends also said ugly things to me. At the time I had absolutely no idea he was seeing her or let alone gotten her pregnant. Either way they were all determined to paint me as the biggest bitch on Earth. All of this has taken place the beginning of this year and I'll admit that it has been really hard on me. I still haven't fully gotten over the situation. During one of the many email exchanges with my ex he deliberately told me to stay away from his friends and family. It's been about 8 months since he made that request and I honored it because I really didn't want to bring more drama to my life. 

Well today I went grocery shopping and miraculously ran into his mom. She immediately hugged me and we talked for a while. She insisted that I visit her and come over for dinner and she also told me that I will always be her family. I don't know if I should follow up with her request. Seeing her for just those 15 minutes hit me pretty hard because I was suddenly flooded with great memories of being with his family and also with him. I know me and my ex have been officially broken up for almost 2 years, but it's been less than a year since we were last together and only about 8 months since our last confrontation. I've spoken with some friends and they said I should go visit my ex's mom. I feel like I might not be strong enough to be surrounded by his family and all of his home belongings (even though he doesn't live there any more). Should I consider visiting them (even if it is infrequent) or should I just leave them in the past? I think I'm also a bit afraid of spurring an argument with my ex. 

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This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years about six months ago. We've kept in touch since, texting every now and then, and even going out a couple of times. The thing is that every time we see each other, I kind of assume that something is going to happen, but it never does. I feel like he is flirting with me sometimes, but then he disappears after we see each other. 

About a month after we broke up I told him that I needed for him to stop contacting me. Since he said he needed "time" when he broke up with me, then he had to get his much desired time and let me heal. He did take some distance, but then he reappeared. And we have been in touch since then. 

I've been thinking about telling him again to stop contacting me. And then, last week I decided that it was time to tell him that I wanted to be left alone, and that as of right now, I could not be friends with him. That I still loved him and that I just couldn't go through with the whole "still friends" situation. I decided I was going to tell him on Friday, 'cause that day we were going out to celebrate his birthday. We did go out, ended up having a great time (as always) and I couldn't say anything. So I convinced myself to tell him next time he texted me. He called me yesterday, so I thought there was my chance. Turns out he called me to tell me that he got fired from work . . . Of course I couldn't bring myself to tell him anything, I tried to be as supportive as I could. 

I don't know if I'm still in love with him, or not. I don't know if we should get back together or if I'm just feeling lonely lately and that's why I feel so miserable sometimes. He hurt me deeply, but I truly loved him. I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I also don't want to feel this way. It's really hard, because we were friends before we were even a couple and I care deeply for him. The only thing I know is that I won't be able to ever move on talking to him constantly. And now it just seems wrong to tell him anything now that he's going through a hard time. What should I do?

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We're happy to present this story from one of our favorite sites, Fox News Magazine. Today, Allison Pescosolido shares some of the reasons it's easy to still have feelings for an ex.

Feeling strong impulses to reunite, "start fresh" or try a failed relationship again is normal, especially when one is particularly committed to the relationship. It happens to many of us at some times after the breakup.

Just because you feel drawn to get back together with your ex doesn;t mean it is necessarily the best idea. Like an old habit, a relationship can be extremely difficult to break, even when we know that those habits are tremendously unhealthy for everyone involved. Before acting on such feelings, however, it's a good idea to take thorough stock of your past and present dynamics as a couple.

Why We Love Who We Love

There are a number of reasons that individuals might seek companionship with an ex. Some miss their previous lifestyles and choose to view their ex-partners in a new, idealized light. Others simply feel lonely and as though they have no place else to turn. Whatever your personal situation happens to be, think twice before you succumb to any of the following motivations or justifications.

Familiarity

Whether the relationship was ideal or not, it was a way of life to which you had become accustomed. After a breakup, when we are most vulnerable, we often find ourselves clutching for remnants of the past — a time when we felt better than we do now. Although this familiarity can be appealing, statistics show that most rekindled relationships end as they did the first time around: in failure. As you pine for all of the positive aspects of your absentee spouse or significant other, remember that the negative aspects that you left behind are lying in wait for you as well.

Selective memory

After the breakup, our mind plays tricks on us. It seems to remember the good times we spent together but forgets about the reasons why things ended. These thoughts can be so compelling that, if we allow our mind to wander, we soon become so caught up in our own fantasy world that we find ourselves on the phone or even in bed with our ex.

They appear to be making positive changes

Words can be extremely convincing, but demonstrating a strong intention to change is not enough. The limited contact that you and your spouse currently share may seem primarily positive in nature. This will be especially true of exes exhibiting their best behavior in an effort to restart the failed relationship. Such behavior, however, is not likely to be indicative of what your shared future together will ultimately entail.

Hopes and dreams

The physical reality of your breakup doesn’t put a stop to your imagination. In fact, your ability to dream and fantasize is likely to grow even stronger now that you are using it more. This type of wishful thinking is nothing new, however. It started long before you married or even met your ex. The storybooks and Disney movies of your childhood planted seeds in your mind about what a relationship would, should and could look like. A key to having a dream relationship is choosing a partner that is compatible with you at this particular moment in time. Seek out individuals who will support you in your efforts to become the most authentic version of yourself.

Better than nothing

An ex almost always looks more attractive compared to being alone. And for those who have failed to make much of an effort to date, old spouses might seem significantly better than any new alternatives that they might imagine. The truth is that after putting time into learning from past relationship mistakes, healing our wounds, and educating ourselves about how to date as a responsible adult, the probability is high that we can achieve greater happiness by developing a brand new relationship.

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We're happy to present this excerpt of a story from one of our favorite sites, YourTango. Today we find out some of signs that you're ready to start dating someone new after a breakup.

Going through a breakup is always difficult. There really is no "good" end to a relationship. After all, that little, nagging voice inside your head is more than happy to keep reminding you that you have once again failed to find that perfect person.

The good news is that you will determine, at some point in time, that you are ready to enter back into the world of dating. Unfortunately, too many people try to push themselves to get back into a relationship before they are mentally and emotionally ready. Sometimes these people are afraid of being alone, see their social status as a single as unacceptable, or they succumb to peer pressure to get back out there and date.

With the end of a long-term serious relationship, you may need months to get back to a place where you are self-satisfied, happy, and able to really evaluate how good of a prospective new partner a date may be. Look for these five signs in yourself that will let you know that you are in a good place to start dating again.

Sign 1: You Are Comfortable as a Single
You have to be comfortable with your own company to avoid accepting a relationship with just anyone. Sure, you may feel like you are missing having a companion and partner, but you don't stay home and avoid going out just because you are single.

Sign 2: You Are Not Desperate to Find the Right One — Tonight!
If every time you go out you are looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, then you are not comfortable with yourself and you are looking for someone to fill in the gaps in your own emotional and spiritual being. This leaves you vulnerable to people that sense that need and take advantage of it.

Sign 3: You Are Able to Look Back on the Last Relationship Honestly
The breakup of most couples is not one-sided. Both people had some role in the lack of communication, distance, lack of intimacy, or whatever else caused the issue. Being able to admit responsibility allows you to change to prevent that in future relationships.

Sign 4: You Know What You Want and What You Don't
This includes more than the physical, you know the personality and character traits you want in a partner as well as those that you don't. You are able to say "no" to a relationship that is not what you want.

Sign 5: You See the Person For What They Are
Sure, love really is blind, especially when the brain chemicals are going crazy in the first part of the relationship. When you are in a solid emotional state, you are able to still see the person honestly and accept him or her just as they are, not as a "fixer-upper."

Taking a bit of time to get yourself in a good place emotionally and mentally after the end of a relationship will help you in finding that perfect match in your future.

— Sherry Gaba

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We're happy to present this story from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Today, Nicole Johnson offers 10 ways to end a relationship with class and composure.

Breakups are never easy.

Whether you dated someone for 90 days, nine months, or were in a marriage for decades, the decision to end a relationship is painful. Aside from the inherent pain, breakups can become quite cruel. It’s tempting to want to hurt your ex as a way of validating your anger and sadness. The immediate urge to protect your wounded ego can cause you to lose perspective.

Why Are Men and Women So Different?

Regardless of how much anguish you feel, please try to keep your dissolution dignified. The more ethical you act, the more elevated you will feel. Moreover, remaining in a perpetual state of negativity is emotionally and physically detrimental.

Here are 10 ways to gracefully end your relationship:

Demonstrate civility. Strive to be kind and respectful in-person and through your written correspondence. Avoid being spiteful or passive aggressive.

Don't spread lies. The truth always finds a way of rising to the surface. You would not want your ex spreading lies about you; don’t be tempted to distort the truth.

Never say anything disparaging in public (even if it's true). People will perceive you as petty and heartless if you are constantly saying negative remarks about your ex. Furthermore, persistent negativity will keep you in a negative state. Practice staying polite and positive.

Plan ahead. When you know you need to engage in verbal or written correspondence with your ex, review your strategy. Plan out what you would like to convey (as courteously as possible). This will definitely help deter you from saying something you may regret.

Display poise and maturity. When encountering your ex’s family, friends, colleagues, etc. represent yourself to the best of your ability. Don’t let them bate you. Maintain your dignity; always take the high road.

Practice generosity. Agree to split your accumulated assets equally. Know when to let your ex have something they desperately want – or legally deserve. Avoid the temptation of greed.

Exhibit empathy. If your ex (compassionately) reaches out to you via phone, email, or text for an appropriate reason, always send them some type of reasonable response. Habitual silence can be exceptionally devastating during the initial phase of a breakup.

Use a prepared script. When dealing with friends and family, stick to a standard statement as to why your relationship ended. Rehearse what you are going to say; memorize your script. This will reduce your anxiety and keep you sharp in social settings. (I know this is an overstated point, but please, never say disparaging remarks about your ex on social media.)

Know when to ask for help. If the two of you can not end your relationship amicably, ask for the assistance of a mediator. Also, if you are struggling and can not get beyond your breakup, seek out the services of an experienced therapist.

If you have children, put their needs before your own. Your children are your primary responsibility; focus on their health and happiness. Additionally, do not disrespect your ex in front of your children. Adult acrimony and apathy should never impair a child’s development.

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This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My best friend is currently going through a breakup. She and her ex weren't of the same religion, so they decided to part ways. Yesterday she was telling me that she feels like she can't talk about her feelings with me because I don't understand. I was hurt when she said that she can't confide in me, but maybe she's right — maybe I don't fully understand how she feels.

My friend says she's always reminded of her ex, whether she's happy, sad, angry, or feels any other emotion for that matter. She says that she's sad by default and that's how she's felt for months. Outwardly, she seems fine, but deep inside, she's just sad. What's the best advice that I could give her? Is it possible to never get over someone because you've had something really magical — something you've always wanted? Is the way she feels even normal?

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This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

OK, it's been over two years since I had a whirlwind romance with a guy. I really though that things were going to last. We were together for only a mere six months. When we were together he'd say things to make me feel special like, "Oh, we have so much in common!" And he'd hold me tight like he'd never let go. When he "ended" it, he just quit talking to me. Never said he was ending it or anything. Just avoided me completely. I still can't make sense of it. He started dating another girl and they are getting married in September.

Through these two-plus years, I quit trying to make sense of it and thought that I'd moved on to my own life and got over it. I had a weird dream last night that his wedding was on the main street of our little town and at the end of the ceremony I congratulated them. When I woke from the dream, that sadness from when we parted ways, hit me hard. All day I've been thinking, "I thought I was over him! What in the world?!"

What is my deal? And why did this stupid dream creep up on me like this?

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This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

So, I broke up with my boyfriend of six years about four months ago. I thought I was going to marry this guy, the breakup was really hard on me, not unexpected though. I think I've moved on pretty well, started working out more, going out with friends more, spending more time with my family, entered some new courses, working on my masters degree, etc etc, I'm keeping myself busy all the time. Also, the ex texts me every once in a while and we went out once, about two weeks ago, nothing happened. I feel pretty satisfied and happy with my life most of the time, I try to think of this breakup as a new opportunity to do stuff that I've never done before and change my life. I'm not depressed at all, I am very positive and happy. I don't know if I'd go back to that relationship, I think my love for my ex bf died already, and things don't seem to be heading that way anyways. To sum up, I'm happy . . . most of the time . . .

The thing is, some days I feel really blue and lonely, no matter how busy or distracted I am. I start thinking about the fact that I lost the guy that I thought was the love of my life and my best friend. I don't feel sad about him, I feel sad about the fact that I don't know if I'll ever find something like that again. I loved him, and we had an amazing relationship up to some point where it all crashed, because he said he needed time alone. I start thinking if I'll have that kind of deep relationship again in my life. I'm 26 going in 27 in a month, and I don't feel like it's so easy at this age to meet someone and be friends for a couple years and then start a successful relationship like before. So basically, I end up feeling I'll be forever alone. This happens about once a week, and no matter what I do, I can't get over it for like a day. For instance, today I woke up feeling like that after having an amazing day yesterday, for no reason at all, and spent all day like that. 

Also, I was talking to a friend of mine one of these days. He is a great guy and I've always had a crush on him, a harmless crush because we were both in relationships. He just broke up too, and I started suggesting that maybe we should go out more now that we're both single, and trying for him to understand that I liked him. I don't want a relationship, I just want like a friends with benefits situation. But he said some things that made me think like I am in his "friend zone" already. I felt kind of rejected, and that felt bad, so this just made my situation worse . . . So, what to do? I want to be positive and happy all of the time. Thank you all for your advice

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