Attention fearless vampire hunters, eBay has an item up for bid just for you. (Fans of Twilight's Edward Cullen can look away now.) It's a vintage pocket vampire slaying kit! (Practical, eh? Now I'm not going to feel so guilty for looking in vain for the Tuesday/Wednesday doll on eBay.) The parts of this vampire killing kit are vintage, but it's been creatively repurposed, as they say. It comes with a crucifix, wood box, screws, and metals. If you want to know the details of this item and to see more pictures and read hilarious buyer questions, read more.
Here's more from the eBay listing:
Q: Do you have any reviews by vampires or slayers who can confirm the claims you are making? I simply would not feel safe in the graveyard with a pocket-sized product with no quality assurance from a professional.
A: Sorry, no reviews. This is the only kit, so there are no previous ones like it to attain reviews. And I expect that any vampires who have come in contact with this kit are dead, so they cannot review it either.
Q: If I buy this kit and it later proves to be ineffective and I get turned into a vampire, do you offer a money-back guarantee?
A: This kit contains actual items that, according to what ancient lore says, will work on vampires. If you have this kit, and still become a vampire, I can only assume you didnt employ the kit effectively, or you were seduced by the seductive vampire, and those things are not my fault.
Q: What is the diameter of the stake and how much pressure can it withstand before breaking? I don't want to be caught driving it into the heart of one of those foul beasts, only to have it snap before it hits its mark!
A: The stake isnt really round, kinda carved squarish except the point is round. The top of the stake measures about 3/8 ish square,give or take. This stake and kit is a back up measure, as in if you dont have a big stake, and you are about to die or become bitten and live forever, than this is what you would want in your pocket, versus nothing at all. You may need a rock to pound it home to the heart though, darn sternum being in the way and all. But I think it would make it, it seems sturdy and long enough, unless the vampire is rather portly.
Q: Is this kit guaranteed to be effective against vampires?
A: Heck yes. The stake is real wood, assuming you can get it into the heart, the holy water is real holy water, and the garlic is real, and the crucifix is real, so yeah, this kit will work in a pinch, if you dont have a full size kit with you. Thanks!