We're happy to present this excerpt from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Sexually frustrated men often claim that women hold the sex card. Life coach Steve Horsmon disagrees.

Since before we were born, we men have been aware of our emerging sexuality. Sonograms have proven that we become "in touch" with our pleasure points right from the start.

If you are like most men, and like me, a large part of your life has been spent thinking, wondering, and worrying about how those pleasure points will be satisfied. You likely imagined that the solution was ultimately in the control of others — specifically, women.

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The sexual epiphany I am talking about is the point in a man's life when thinking, wondering, and worrying changes into leading, romancing and enjoying. This epiphany does not just happen with age. It must be earned. It is simple but not easy. If it were easy, every guy would be doing it and would be happy with his sex life.

Your transition from horny to happy is based in your transition from expecting things from your wife to expecting things from yourself. This personal transformation is part of the journey which is full of surprises.

This change brings the brand new benefit of having more self-confidence, more self-respect, and more control over your emotions.

When you discover these feelings and learn how to consistently expect them of yourself, something else changes. I hear this from frustrated wives all the time.

Your sex appeal shoots through the roof! You achieve the status of "sexy man." Your wife sees you in a new attractive light which is the only light that allows her to see you this way. In fact, many other women notice as well — wherever you are. You morph into that man other guys envy and women adore. And until now, you had no idea that it had everything to do with how you think about yourself.

Read the rest of the story: A Married Man's Sexual Epiphany

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We're happy to present this excerpt from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Dating after a breakup can be hard, but the stakes are raised for devoted single dads.

I don't know about you, but when it comes to dating I have certain deal breakers that cause me to totally lose interest in a person and cease all communication. With my daughter around me as much as she is, I simply do not have the desire to mix and mingle with a potential partner who isn't on the same page as I am.

Here are five deal breakers that every single father should avoid if he is currently dating or looking to date in the near future.

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Number 5 — She Isn't Supportive Of Your Relationship With Your Kids

One of the things that really grinds my gears about today's society is that so many people do not understand the impact that a father has on his children's lives. There are still some people who think that raising a child is only a woman's duty and fathers don't play a major part in the day to day commitments of raising a child. If you constantly have to explain why you have to do certain things with your kids, or why you have certain obligations with your children that can't be broken, then she is not the one for you. If she doesn't understand your desire to be the best possible parent that you can be, she will never understand who you are at your core as a person.

Number 4 — She Doesn't Get Along Well With Kids

As men we think that every woman has that biological motherly instinct that draws them closer to children. That's a misconception. You would be surprised at how many women will say that they don't get along with children. Not only do some women not want to have children of their own, some of them don't even want to take the time to get acquainted with yours. This decision is perfectly fine for some people, but as fathers we have to have a certain vetting process. During this process we have to find out what the other person's feelings are about children and if they willing to eventually accept your children as a part of their life as the relationship grows.

Read the rest of the story: 5 Deal Breakers for the Dating Dad

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We're happy to present this excerpt from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Today, Dr. Adam Sheck insists it's not about a "trophy" wife or a caretaker . . . it's not even all about sex!

It's really not that complicated. From both personal and professional experience, I can tell you that what men want in relationships is pretty basic.

Hint: It's not about having a "trophy" partner or someone to feed us and take care of us when we're sick. It's certainly not about having someone to "process" feelings with. It's not even about sex, though sexuality IS an important part of relationships.

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What men REALLY want in a relationship, is a safe place to recharge and renew themselves in order to go back out and face the world and "fight the good fight." What men want is a safe, secure, STRESS-FREE environment where we can recover from dealing with the "rat-race" and just relax.

What men want is a place where we can be ourselves, without putting on the facade that the world sometimes demands. We want a place where we don't have to be on our best behavior, where we don't have to walk on egg shells and where we don't have to pretend that we're something we're not.

We want a place where we can be accepted for who we are and for who we are not! What men want is consistency and routine, because that is what relaxes us. "Same place, same thing" calms us down. Yes, we like change and excitement from time to time, but what we really want in our primary relationship is a place where we can be at peace, where we don’t have to have our "fight or flight" response triggered. We're activated enough in the work world, we don't want our relationship to be like a second job!

Why is this what men want? Why do men want to recharge in relationships?

Read the rest of the story: What Do Men Really Want in Relationships?

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We're happy to present this excerpt from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project.

Many a guy has been lamented in his life for entering the "friend zone" with a girl. Like it's this evil, sex-less place where all you can expect is a hug, some good company, and a wank when you get home. And we all know that's not true. You can have a wank whenever the damn well you feel like it.

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But that's not the point. Men are expected to score, not make BFFs. It's partly because of this: "I think you're a really great guy, but I don't want to ruin our friendship." When a man is judged by his peers by his ability to seal the deal, this is not conducive to winning points. He might question himself. What's wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this?

This can get into the mind, burrowing deep down, until he's so aware of it that he's consciously afraid to become friends with females. Because becoming friends with the opposite sex is seen as failure. Or that you're gay. The "nice guy" doesn't get to sleep with the cheerleader. He's the one the cheerleader calls in the middle of the night to bitch about the jerk she just slept with who took off. The nice guy has never wanted to be a jerk so badly in his life.

As guys (and girls) we put way too much focus and pressure on sex and romantic relationships. It may be glaringly obvious, but this is especially true when we're single and "looking." All of a sudden, every person of the opposite sex we meet has this potential to be "the one." They're sized up as a potential mate. From a guy's perspective, this is the all-pervading question we ask ourselves: "Would I sleep with her?" If the answer comes back as a yes, then friendship — true friendship — is to be avoided at all costs.

Keep reading for more about the friend zone.

We're happy to present this excerpt from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project.

You hear people say it all the time: men should "naturally" be more rational and less sensitive, whereas women's "natural" brain structures wire them for language and empathy. But what if these differences aren't so cut and dry (or even that drastic)? Consider some of these studies:

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1. Between infancy and first grade, boys express their emotions more passionately than girls.

Boys are taught to keep a stiff upper lip, but Harvard med school researchers found that young boys smiled, cried, and laughed more to researchers than girls did. By elementary school, boys become less likely to express sadness or distress, perhaps because of the influence of parenting and culture.

2. Worldwide, boys aren't any better at math than girls.

Math scores in 86 countries show that K-12 boys don't significantly do better at math than girls, either in general or at elite levels. And the "math gap" in the US has been closing over time. In the 1970s, the ratio of boys to girls with high math scores on their SATs was 13:1. By the 1990s, it was 3:1.

3. Young men are more emotionally vulnerable to troubles in their relationships than young women are.

   Florida State researchers found that men between the ages of 18 and 23 were much more likely be emotionally affected by relationship woes than women. The study authors wrote, "For young men, their romantic partners are often their primary source of intimacy," whereas women feel more encouraged to confide deeply with family and friends. Contrary to what every frat joke tells you, men aren't just naturally detached.

4. Men are less-rational investors than women.

A study of 35,000 households in MIT's Journal of Economics found that men traded stocks with irrational confidence in their judgment. Single men traded less rationally than married men, and married men traded less rationally than single women.

5. Men aren't worse than women at reading emotional cues.

When asked to correctly identify emotions of people in video clips, men were no less capable of reading nuances in emotions than women were. (Interestingly, parents were much better emotional detectives than nonparents.) So men can read moods, but whether they do anything about this emotional information may be a matter of cultural upbringing, which can change.

Read the rest of the story: 8 Studies That Debunk Gender Stereotypes.

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We're happy to present this excerpt from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. After Andy Bodle spent thousands of dollars on escorts he met online, he had one more powerful desire left unfulfilled.

Broadly speaking, my 29th birthday party was a success. Ninety guests turned up (of the 200 invited), the food was decent, and the few people who hadn't already met got on famously. The evening would have been perfect but for one thing: when the music died and the last taxi pulled away, I was alone.

Over the previous few years, just about all of my friends had settled down. Every other weekend, it seemed, there was a stag night or a wedding. Those who weren't having kids were moving out of town.

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I, meanwhile, hadn't had so much as a peck on the cheek for almost a year. Each woman I approached seemed to crowbar the word BOYFRIEND into the conversation more quickly than the last. And the few singles who had shown an interest were unsuitable for various reasons.

To make matters worse, my receding hairline had now receded to the point where "receding hairline" was no longer an adequate description of the situation. (I've since been reassured that baldness doesn't unduly bother most women, but it bothered the hell out of me.) I was starting to think I would never again know the touch of a woman other than the jaded slap of a retirement-home nurse.

And opportunities to change things were thin on the ground. With my friends either exiled or under house arrest, and my stand-up career faltering, I was spending most of my evenings and weekends joylessly surfing the net and playing computer games.

Things were looking up on one front. After two years' freelancing, I'd been made a full-time subeditor at the Guardian. The pay was good, I was earning extra from writing TV reviews and articles and, with no mortgage or girlfriend, my outgoings were minimal. In less than a year, without really trying, I found that I'd saved up £10,000 ($15,000). My first thought: deposit on a flat! My second, third and fourth: one-bed flat! Scummy part of London! Mortgage!

During my next surfing session, I stumbled across an online escort agency.

Until that night, it had never crossed my mind to pay for sex. Prostitution, for me, had always conjured up images of kerbcrawlers, ladyboys and knee-tremblers in needle-strewn alleyways. Sure, I'd seen Pretty Woman, but that was just Hollywood hogwash. Wasn't it?

As depicted on the website I discovered, and dozens of others like it, the sex industry was safe, clean, simple . . . glamorous, even. There were pictures and biographies of the girls, so you could see what you were letting yourself in for. You visited them in plush rented apartments. And as the sites repeatedly pointed out, it was all 100 percent legal, because you were paying for the girl's companionship, not for sex. It was just like going on a date—an expensive date, granted, but one that would almost certainly end with a kiss. And the girls . . . well, the girls made Julia Roberts look like Les Dawson in drag.

I looked at my empty bed. I looked at my empty diary. And I looked at my bank balance. Then I picked up the phone.

I prepared for that first illicit rendezvous exactly as I would for a real date. I went to the gym twice as often and for twice as long. I booked some sunbed sessions. I got a haircut — well, a number 2 all over — bought some new clothes, and read all the papers so that I'd have something interesting to talk about.

When D-day came, I was terrified. Would the person who answered the door be the girl advertised? Or would it be an eastern European thug waiting to rob me and dump my body in the Thames?

My fears were unfounded. The girl behind the door was the girl in the photo (minus an airbrush stroke or two). She was sweet, she was great company, and if she didn't enjoy herself, she was one hell of an actress. I went home that night feeling a little guilty, but happier than I had been in ages.

From that night, I was hooked. I tried several different agencies and several different girls. Over the next 18 months, I spent something in the region of £15,000 ($22,500) on prostitutes.

Each time, I faithfully observed the rituals of courtship. I always showed the girl the utmost courtesy, I always took her flowers and champagne, and I always paid for at least one extra hour so that I could get to know her first. (It was on my fourth visit that Daniella — a cute, funny 26-year-old Canadian—laughed and told me that no one else did that; most guys just paid for one hour, got down to business, then buggered off. But I liked doing it this way. It felt normal. Almost.)

Read the rest of the story here: Confessions of a Call Girl Client.

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We're happy to present this excerpt from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Today, gender studies professor Hugo Schwyzer weighs in on the most controversial episode of Lena Dunham's Girls ever.

Since Sunday's airing of "On All Fours," the darkest and most troubling Girls episode yet, there's been plenty of debate about whether or not what happened between Adam and Natalia was rape, bad sex, or something else that's difficult to name. (I liked what Amanda Hess and Emily Heist Moss have to say.)

Like so many, I found the episode emotionally triggering to watch. Witnessing anyone — whether they're friends or fictional characters of whom one has grown fond — relapse into destructive, humiliating, or dangerous behavior is painful. I have always had a lot of sympathy for the darkly brooding Adam (played so well by the magnetic Adam Driver), not least because he's in recovery, having struggled with alcoholism since his teens. In this most recent episode, we see Adam make the conscious choice to drink again. As an addict who has been clean nearly 15 years (and who was in and out of Twelve Step programs for 11 years before that) I'm captivated by relapse. I want to watch it up close, partly because I will always be drawn to the fantasy of going back to drugs and alcohol, and partly because studying the mechanics of another's fall is a kind of prophylaxis against making a similar decision.

What haunts me about Adam isn't just that he's a fellow drunk with a compelling mix of social awkwardness and sexually-charged charisma. It's the way in which he externalizes his own self-destructiveness. Driver is a good enough actor that he's able to show us two Adams at once: the disconnected narcissist and the vulnerable boy who knows that he's capable of empathy if he can only, only get out of his own way. We never doubt why women fall in love with him, and we never doubt why they will invariably leave.

I've been Adam, both with the alcohol and with the sex. Watching him assault Natalia (I'm not gonna quarrel about words), I remembered how easy it is for the addict to use sex to disappear into one's own pain, one's own rage. And I remembered — as Girls will surely show Adam remembering — the mix of shock and fear and disgust on the face of a woman who trusted me. "Where the fuck did you go?" one ex asked me in bewilderment and anger. I'd fumble with an apology, with remorse, with soothing words that always stood in painful contrast to what had just come before. Like Adam, when I had sex high or drunk there was almost always this nearly instant post-ejaculatory regret, as if my orgasm had purged a demon and I could return to being present, empathetic, and tender. (One reason I had to be celibate in early sobriety was to learn how to connect sexually, how to stay present even when my clothes came off. That wasn't an easy lesson to learn.) Keep reading below.

We're happy to present this excerpt from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Zach Stafford digs up some surprising figures about modern relationships and asks: is it worth pretending to be monogamous when you're not?

Most days when I think about dating and relationships, especially when talking with friends, I always come to the same conclusion: Monogamy isn't real.

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In the gay world, I feel that no matter how committed a couple is when I meet them, or how beautiful their life is together, or even, how perfect they seem, there always seem to be infidelity hiding behind those 1000-count sheets. The countless dinner parties, nights at bars, Pride events, and everything in between keep proving one thing to me over and over again that most men seem not to really be interested in just one person, but rather lots of different people.

At first, I came to really resent this aspect of the "gay lifestyle," as many call it. Growing up I was always bombarded with images of gay men as hypersexual and really promiscuous. From TV shows like Will & Grace with Jack's countless partners to Queer as Folk with Brian's countless partners to . . . well you get the point, gay men were constantly shoved into the light of always looking for the next great f*ck. I always found myself really disheartened by this image, because growing up I found myself wanting the traditional life of one marriage and some kids. Not a life where I was constantly in clubs and in the beds of men I didn't know their names.

I was at brunch the other day with a group of friends and the topic of monogamy came up after one friend shared some difficulties he is having with his partner who recently stepped out of their relationship. The older gay men around the table began to laugh, while also comforting him, and suggested for him to just wait. Once he gets older he will understand, "we" as gay men just can't really be monogamous. They weren't arguing that it isn't possible, because there are those rare birds that have never cheated in any way, but what they were suggesting that: Monogamy may be too big of a cross to carry, that we all will have moments of lust or desire and by engaging in other activities with folks outside of your relationship doesn't mean you love your partner any less.

So, is monogamy not real or are my friends just a little promiscuous? Let's look at some data.

Read the rest of Monogamish: Two Is Company, But Is Three Really a Crowd? over at The Good Men Project.

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We're happy to present this story from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Today, she-said-he-said advice-givers Eli and Josie help a man turn his friendship-based marriage into one of passion and desire.

Dear Sexes: How do you cross the bridge from your wife as your best friend to your wife as lover? If you have been with this person all day as your partner in life and the daily work of living, how do you suddenly switch?

She Said: If we could solve this, we could save probably 50 percent of the marriages that end! Our society teaches us to value novelty and drama over commitment and peace. Without the drama, I think a lot of us think there isn't enough excitement to constitute "love" . . .

In truth, a deeper and more intimate love can come from peace, and that peace often comes from having your partner as your best friend. But sometimes, when that transition happens, that buddy-ness can be sort of a boner killer.

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I think a solution to this is a little objectification. Yes, objectification! By that, I mean, you love your wife as a whole, her humanity, and her soul as well as her body. And sometimes you probably have deep lust for all that humanity and intellect. But sometimes you just want a body. Now, I am making this suggestion for you because of the love and friendship you have for your wife, thinking that maybe you need to nurture some fantasies just about her body. I wouldn't make this recommendation to a newly united couple or a couple that is struggling with profound problems.

Try to think just about your favorite part of her body. If that's her pretty fingers, think about them wrapping around your penis or clasping your hands during sex. If it's her mouth, think about the way it changes when she's having an orgasm. Focus on those things, and let the rest of her slip away from your mind for a moment.

I probably don't have to tell you this, but just to be clear, this doesn't mean that you leave behind compassion, communication, respect, and love. It just means that you allow a fantasy that is purely sexual to develop . . . and you nudge it along by being mindful and conscious of your fantasies, and by guiding them a little bit.

He Said: Your wife can be your friend AND your lover!

Having said that, your best chance at having a successful friendship AND romance with your wife may be to compartmentalize each entity completely (at least, for now, so you easily hit "the switch").

Your wife and you should (re)experiment with your sexy sides. Invest in some candles (for her) and perhaps some lingerie (something you can both enjoy). Romance her! Maybe that means cooking her dinner, or giving her a full-body massage with sensual oils. Or even something as simple as a date-night out — just the two of you.

And lastly, work hard at the romance, but remember — you don't always have to make love, when you make love. Sometimes you've just got to have great sex. Don't be afraid to try something different. Find a new place to get it on — a kitchen counter, the backseat of a car, a hotel, etc . . .). And vary the way in which you have sex. It's fine if you have to schedule your sessions, but it's just as good (perhaps even better) if you have some unscheduled bump and grinding. And never underestimate the power of a steamy quickie! Good luck, play hard, get busy!

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We're happy to present this story from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. The founders of Project Soulmate, Lori Zaslow and Jennifer Zucher, offer guys some (free!) advice on the subject they know best!

1. Be positive and warm. Always smile. Do not be a downer and check out when you are not feeling chemistry, as it can come back and haunt you later. It is a small world and everybody knows everybody. Be your own PR person, because you never know if she will introduce you to her sister, cousin or friend. You always want to leave a good taste in someone's mouth about you.

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2. Be present and discuss. Nothing too deep. Ask about her hobbies and interests and keep it light. Do not interrogate a woman and act like a private investigator (where are you from, what do you do for a living, etc.). Never talk about the future because it will guarantee no future. Topics to avoid: getting married, having kids or inviting her to a wedding in 6 months when you barely know each other.
3. When you are having a great time, do not stay too long. No more than an hour and a half should suffice. Too long will turn into too much information and too much alcohol. Leave her desiring to see you again. Always leave on a high note. If there is a connection she will pursue you.
4. Be thoughtful and initiate a plan. Most people appreciate the attention and someone that is thoughtful.
5. Compliment a woman. If she looks good and smells good, tell her! Everyone wants to feel good about him or herself. Look at her eyes and not her cleavage!
6. Dress casual but nice! Show that you made the extra effort to look and smell good. Don't come in a suit, and don't wear sneakers unless you're going bowling.
7. After a great date you can send a thank you text, but that is it! Do not smother a woman and over-pursue. No one likes desperation in a man.
8. Do not drink too much. Two drink maximum! Any more, you become sloppy and no one likes that. A turn-on is someone that can hold their own and still carry on a conversation.
9. Do not talk about yourself and/or work too much. Always be engaged in the conversation! Also, don't repeatedly mention ex-girlfriends or ex-wives.
10. Always pay the bill on the first date! After all, if you ask someone out, it's only polite to get the bill!

General rule of thumb — know your target audience. Know your type in terms of looks, personality, goals, interests, etc. Do not date a partier if that is not your thing, do not date a bore if you need personality, and do not date a religious zealot if you never want to step foot in a church. You will just be wasting your time and will likely be doomed from the start. People really just do not change much!

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We're happy to present this excerpt from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Alyssa Royse believes that teaching children the tradition of "ladies first" only serves to reinforce sexism on many different levels.

There's an article on Today Moms, an offshoot of NBC's Today show, that asks if teaching little boys the cardinal rule of "Ladies First," is teaching future generations some sort of sexism. Why is this even a question? Of course it is. Totally. And that's not nearly as problematic as what it isn't teaching them.

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Obviously, good manners are not only important, but an increasingly rare commodity. Personally, I want them back. I want doors held open for people, I want people to help each other carry their heavy loads, offer a hand up when someone trips and, please, pretty please, can we have some more "please" and "thank you"s in the world?

But I want that as part of a civilized social intercourse in the world, not a gender-based entitlement. I routinely hold the door open for my man. He does the same for me. Whoever gets there first holds the door open. Simple as that.

So, why is "Ladies First" sexism? Simple. "Ladies First" implies that women are entitled to "better" treatment simply because of they're women? No different than implying that men are entitled to "better" treatment because of their genitals. Or white people because of their skin color. And that is the wrong lesson to treat future generations if what we want is a world of equality.

Read the rest of "Ladies First"? How About "Manners First"? over at The Good Men Project.

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We're happy to present this excerpt from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Joanna Schroeder writes that she's known a lot of Nice Guys™ and understands the frustration and fear women feel as a result, but believes the bullying and humiliation happening on Nice Guys of OKCupid is out of line.

There's a lot of talk about this Nice Guys of OKCupid (NGOKC) Tumblr site, where photos of nonconsenting men are taken off the OKCupid dating site and mocked for everyone to see.

First word of warning: I don't buy the crap that all guys who call themselves "nice" are actually nice. In fact, I've witnessed enough self-proclaimed "nice guys" saying racist, sexist, rapey, and scary things in my life that my ears automatically perk at any guy who calls himself "nice."

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That being said, I know a lot of actual, real-life nice guys. Guys that are kind, sweet, smart, genuine and giving. My husband is one of those, as is my brother. All through high school my brother was the girls' best pal, but rarely their date. The girls he had mad crushes on would keep him on the phone for hours, then go to the dance with a different guy. Eventually he grew out of that phase, or more accurately, he went to college where the women were more interested in a highly intelligent sweetheart than they had been at our high school.

For the purpose of this article, I'm going to call guys like my brother "nice guys" and guys like the the scary ones, "Nice Guys™" and hopefully the distinction is clear, because calling assholes "nice" is confusing and I suspect the misnomer does more damage to understanding who is a threat to our safety and who is not.

Keep reading for more about the Nice Guys of OKCupid.

We're happy to present this story from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Doctor Nerdlove writes that Love Actually is a great, surprising source of dating advice.

There are very few Christmas movies that get watched at stately NerdLove Manor. There're only so many treacly impassioned peons to the Hallmark idea of the holidays that my constitution is willing to take, so I keep my holiday viewings to the Holy Trinity of Christmas Movies: Gremlins, Die Hard and Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.

I may need to start adding Love Actually to the mix.

Love Actually was a 2003 holiday film with an astoundingly (British) star-studded cast — Bill Nighy! Chiwetel Ejiofor! Colin Firth! Hugh Grant! Alan Rickman! Emma Thompson! A pre-zombie-apocalypse Andrew Lincoln! A whole bunch of people I don't know at all but are probably really important in the UK — all about love and family and what it means over the holidays.

To be perfectly honest, I was prepared to hate it. I've mentioned how I feel about romantic "comedies" before: they're mawkish and unrealistic, following characters who make unwise decisions and rewarding men for not growing or changing and generally sending all the wrong messages to the audience.

So imagine my surprise when not only was this movie genuinely sweet and realistic about relationships, but it also managed to avoid my rom-com pet peeves.

(Well, except for one.)

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This really is a movie that guys could learn a few things from. Things like . . .
 
There's a Fine Line Between Clever and Creepy Colin (Kriss Marshall), a would-be raconteur and wit with a . . . well, a face even a mother might have some issues with, prefers to try to woo women with his scintillating dialogue and snappy repartee. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't quite know where the line is when it comes to his jokes and trips over it with glorious abandon on a regular basis. Whether it's calling the attractive secretary his future wife (she doesn't appreciate it) or telling guests at a wedding that the hors d'oeuvres resemble slices of baby feet, it seems that the only thing his mouth is good for is sticking his foot in it. Some people are masters of using offensive humor effectively. Others are not. And if you don't work on your social calibration very carefully, your attempts at being funny are going to lead to a lot of blank stares and awkward silences at best.

You Can Find Love Anywhere John (Martin Freeman) and Judy (Joanna Page) are a couple of freelancers, a pair of working stiffs working at the same job. There's an almost instant chemistry; they're incredibly comfortable together almost immediately and they can chat with the sort of ease that usually comes with a life-long friendship.

Oh, and they're both nude body doubles for a graphic sex scene in an upcoming movie.

Love is, literally, where you find it.

Read the rest of There's a Lot to Learn From Love Actually over at The Good Men Project.

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• Some Thoughts on Forgiveness

We're happy to present this excerpt from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Harris O'Malley explains that what makes a "bad boy" so appealing isn't his badness, it's something even nice guys can do, too.

If there is one thing that men, especially nerdy, geekier men — men more prone to be Nice Guys and White Knights — will complain about when it comes to their dating problems, it's that women don't like "nice" men. No, frustrating the millions of men who heard "I wish I could meet a nice guy like you" and took it too much to heart is the way that the "bad boy" seems to win women's hearts and loins.

There is no dating cliche older or more lingering than the appeal of the "bad boy." One of the most defining characteristics of known rake Lord Byron is that he was famously "mad, bad and dangerous to know."

Dear Beloved Ryan Gosling

It's a subject that I have talked about before: the idea that all women love assholes and that this is programmed into them genetically; after all, assholes are often more "alpha" than the Nice Guys who complain about them, therefore it is their inevitable destiny to fall for them . . . usually on their backs. Therefore the key to being more attractive is to be "bad."

It's a short-sighted solution that builds on a collection of mistaken assumptions reinforced by confirmation bias and poor understanding of human sexuality and evolutionary psychology . . . but it's not entirely wrong.

In fact, the appeal of the "bad boy" is something that psychologists and sociologists have been interested in for quite some time. And it seems as though they may have found some interesting answers.

Read the rest of The Appeal of "Bad Boys" over at The Good Men Project.

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• I'd Rather Risk Rape Than Quit Partying

We're happy to present this story from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Hannah Sloane writes that contrary to what the movies say, women don't want romance — at least not straight away.

I'll often groan when a movie uses a sweeping romantic gesture to nudge the plot along to its natural conclusion. The guy does something wildly over-the-top and ludicrously romantic to win over the girl's heart and, consequently, our two always-outta-luck characters get together. The next and final scene shows them as happy as an eHarmony ad: they're playing ball on a deserted beach with a friendly looking Golden Retriever, or walking down the aisle as confetti's thrown on them by less attractive-looking friends (the comic relief).

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The subliminal message here is: do something crazily romantic and you'll seal the deal. According to these movies the bigger the gesture, the better! The more insane the gesture, the more lovable you are! The shorter the amount of time you've known her, the more romantic!

In Love Actually, Colin Firth catches his girlfriend in bed with his brother. He flies to France and quickly falls for a Portuguese housekeeper. Neither of them speaks the other's native tongue (although they do share a thrilling moment of saving typewritten pages from blowing into a lake), so their first conversation is when he arrives unannounced in her hometown with a rudimentary grasp of Portuguese. Rather than covering some getting-to-know-you basics ("So you're a housekeeper . . . did you have to go to college for that?"), he goes in for The Big Proposal. Beautiful, right?

Not really.

Let's rewind to the moment when Colin finds his girlfriend in bed with his brother. His speedy proposal to someone else shrieks rebound in neon flashing lights. Get the rest of the story when you keep reading.

We're happy to present this story from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Engaging, non-stereotypical images of men . . . on a sitcom? Writer Heather McLendon was pleasantly surprised.

Yes, I have become a Newbie. As I mentioned last week, I gave New Girl a trial-run last year, and I couldn't stand it. The show forced its "adorkable" angle too much. I quickly got annoyed that Zooey was everywhere, acting in the same manner whether she was Jess or frolicking in frocks for Cotton commercials.

But then, thanks to the recommendation of Alyssa Rosenberg this past autumn, I gave the show another chance.
And it's marvelous.

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Sure, Jess is still a smidge annoying, some jokes wear a bit thin, and the weekly plots sometimes fail in an epic fashion. What makes the show truly great, though, is its representation of men. Schmidt, Winston and Nick steal the show. And the writers do their best work when they're challenging conventional or stereotypical gender roles.

Consider:

In "Models," Schmidt gives Nick a cookie because he was thinking of him, which freaks Nick out. He doesn't understand — or believe — that a man can give another male friend a cookie "just because." Later, Winston tries to explain to Nick why Schmidt is so hurt, saying, "Do you not realize that I say 'good night' to you every night, and you never say it back?" The episode culminates with Nick trying to right the situation by giving Schmidt a cookie because he doesn't know what else to get him, which makes him recognize that: "You love me too much, man. And you picked the wrong guy. I'm just gonna let you down." He tears up as he says this, and all three men acknowledge that they care for each other. They're besties, and they celebrate with a group hug.

In "Parents," Schmidt competes in a "manly" competition with his cousin. When neither triumphs in the burp and push-up contests, Schmidt says: "Manhood today is about exfoliation and cheese courses and honesty and Paxil. And, yes, cutting peppers in classic stile de julienne. You may have bested me in a competition of pre-Clinton manhood, but I am Schmidt — a refined and enlightened pescetarian (90 percent of the time)."

And in "Fluffer," Nick stands up for himself and calls Jess out for using him as an emotional fluffer. (A fluffer, apparently, is someone employed in the porn industry who keeps the actor, well, aroused, on set.) Jess kept using Nick to get into a sensual mood before her booty-call dates with Sam, and Nick finally has enough. He establishes necessary boundaries for his platonic relationship with Jess.

Yes, yes, and yes.

New Girl is tackling stereotypes and outdated notions of masculinity — with humor and style. It's an important show to watch and appreciate, especially for feminists. Lately I have been discouraged and frustrated by the number of feminists who berate men for sexism without recognizing that men experience sexism, too. (Stick with me, my feminist readers.) Get the rest of the article below.

We're happy to present this story from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Noah Brand gives us a brief guide to the most common questions about polyamory and how it works.

Like a lot of polyamorous people, I have to answer the same questions repeatedly from folks who don't yet understand how polyamory works. I don't mind that, but I'm also awfully lazy, so I thought I'd just write them all down in one place I can just point people at. These are the most common questions poly folks hear, and the clearest answers I know how to write.

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What does polyamory mean?

It's the practice of maintaining multiple romantic/sexual relationships concurrently. A polyamorous person might have multiple girlfriends, boyfriends, or both, and may also be married. Their partners may also have other relationships. Everyone involved knows about everyone else involved.

Isn't that just called cheating?

No. Cheating involves lying and breaking promises. Polyamory works best — only works at all, really — when it's built on a foundation of very open, very honest communication. It is still possible to cheat in poly relationships; for example, you might get involved with someone after telling your current partners you wouldn't. That's extremely bad practice: nobody, poly or otherwise, likes a cheater.

Don't you get jealous?

Sometimes. Most poly people don't get jealous easily, but in practice it's possible to feel shortchanged for attention in favor of another partner, or inadequate, or left out, or any other reason you might feel jealous. The difference is that jealousy doesn't have to be a dealbreaker. It can be something like irritation or frustration; anyone who's never been irritated or frustrated with their partner is either a saint or a liar, and there's not a lot of saints in the world. We don't dump our partners over these minor annoyances, though; we talk about the source of the problem and handle our feelings like grownups. Poly people strive to handle jealousy the same way.

Further, most poly people often feel an emotion we call compersion, which has been described as the opposite of jealousy. Compersion (adjective form: compersive) is the pleasant sensation one feels on seeing one's beloved being happy with someone else. Compersion is when your partner texts you saying "Having a great time on my date!" and you smile with genuine pleasure. For monogamous folks who might have a hard time picturing that: think of how you feel watching your beloved enjoy something they really care about, but that isn't your cup of tea. Like if they're into running and you're not, the way you feel seeing them come in from a run, drenched in sweat and breathing hard, excitedly telling you about the personal best they just beat. Yeah, it's like that.

Read the rest of What Is Polyamory? over at The Good Men Project.

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We're happy to present this story from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Mark Greene explains why Obama supporters were so happy about this election.

1. Our Social Media Kicked Your Super Pac's Ass
   Sheldon Adelson, called by The New York Times, "the biggest single donor in political history" backed eight conservative Republican candidates through Super Pacs. None of them won. People have been wondering when America would have its social media driven "Arab Spring"? This was it.

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2. Karl Rove's $300 million extra super, ugly, horrible super bad day
   Karl Rove has been a boil on the ass of the American political landscape since he first ushered George W. Bush into the White House in 2000. His smug Fox News-driven run of seemingly invincible political gutter dredging has finally come to an end. His American Crossroads Super Pac spent a lot of money and delivered a record-breaking bad return on investment.
3. Rape Became the Third Rail of American Politics
   Lots of Tea Party Republicans took it on themselves to wax philosophical on the "rape thing." Todd "Legitimate Rape" Akin, Richard "God Intended" Mourdock and Joe "There's No Longer Any Threat to The Life of the Mother" Walsh are now looking for lobbying jobs. It would appear that women don't take kindly to having their reproductive rights traded for Tea Party votes.
4. Free at Last, Free at Last, Thank God We're Free at Last . . . From Network News.
   This election season, through Facebook and Twitter, voters discovered that fact checking happens. For the first time in a presidential election, we didn't have wait for network news to notice when a candidate said something stupid, or wrong or hateful. Even in the case of Romney's 47 percent comment, which took a while to fully catch on, the facts came out. To devastating effect. We are finally free of network news' lazy group think reporting of political spin as fact.

Keep reading for the rest of the article.

We're happy to present this story from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Years later, Thomas Fiffer can recall every aspect of the letter he wrote to her — how he felt, the way his "e's" curled — everything except for the words.

Sometimes, when you have lost something, and especially when you have lost the real thing, you have to reinvent it, reimagine it, recreate it, and restore it — you have to bring this thing in full color and exquisite detail back into the stark black and white emptiness of your life. Such is the case with the letter I wrote to J, on my cream-colored stationery with my name and address, 2379 Yale Station, New Haven, CT 06520, printed in dark blue and centered across the top of the page.

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We had just, well, let me say we had just shared an experience that was a first for both of us. A magical moment. A moment of realization — the realization of dreams — a moment of recognition, not just of the intensity of our connection but of our incipient adulthood, our new place in an unfamiliar yet achingly familiar world, our transition into . . . the great beyond. We had shared the expectant ascent to the mountaintop, the smack of cold air rising through trembling nostrils to sting oxygen-starved lungs, the labored breathing, the planting of feet, the marking of territory with a happy flag of conquest, the astonishing view, the expanse of sky stretching endlessly into the sunny distance, the new closeness, the hum of our favorite song warming frostbitten ears, the sigh as we finally slipped the heavy packs from our backs, set up camp, curled up in the tent, and determined to stay a while in this extreme, unreal, dreamy, forbidding and yet somehow supremely welcoming place.

The day after, I wrote a letter, to J, in blue pen. I let my feelings flow onto the pages, compressed the language of love into tightly curled c's, e's, and s's, and unfurled it in more expansive j's, l's, and a's. I expressed my self, my new, altered, activated self, a suddenly able, grown-up self, a self I had waited longer than most to come in to, a self now initiated, enriched beyond measure yet stripped to the bones, a self in transition, a self now certain that the long years of doubting, hoping, and wondering had wasted nothing and preserved everything in its entirety.

So what did the letter say?

To find out, read the rest of Love Letter Lost over at The Good Men Project.

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We're happy to present this story from one of our favorite sites, The Good Men Project. Today, Harris O'Malley investigates the complaint that only certain types of guys get all the women.

There are few questions more frustrating than "What's he got that I ain't got?"

It's a long-running complaint amongst some men that only "certain" guys get all the women — the so-called "alpha males" who are tall, dark, and handsome assholes with lantern jaws, fast cars, a six-pack and seven figure salary. All other men are just shit out of luck and may as well jump off a cliff; they're evolutionary dead-ends, forever doomed to be unable to spread their seed and carry on their genetic lineage.

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Women, others insist, are interested only in hypergamy; only men who offer some means of rising socially or economically are the ones getting all the sexing. Others will say that geeks are shut out because of a prejudice against brains or the socially awkward. Still others have equally arcane ideas of what women — apparently a monolithic entity of vast and unimaginable social power — want.

The common denominator in all these ideas boils down to "something other than me." The rest of it tends to be a mishmash of theories on what women want (or actually want, rather than what they say they do . . .) that explains why someone who isn't them is getting all the sexing. I can relate; God knows I spent enough time in my youth believing that there were two types of dudes in the world: the ones who women found attractive and everybody else. And I was very firmly in the latter category.

Of course, this begs the question of "if only a certain percentage of men get the majority of the women, why haven't we died out as a species?"

Wait: wrong question. The question is: "How do you know that this is what women find attractive?" The answer is usually a variation of "this is what the media tells me" or "this is what I see all around me every day."

The problem with this is that, frankly, the plural of "anecdote" isn't "data." People are prone to blind spots when it comes to deeply held beliefs, an intellectual fallacy known as "confirmation bias"; that is, we're only seeing the things that back up what we already believe and dismissing (or simply not seeing) everything else.

So rather than going on about Studly Good-Night at the club with his Maserati and $4,000 suit is the only one women like, I wanted to get down to what women really find attractive. So I asked them.

Keep reading to find out what he discovered!