You Asked: Why Wasn't she Honest with Me?

You Asked: Why Wasn't she Honest with Me?


Dear Sugar--

My best friend of 15 years or so since 8th grade (maid of honor and general rock concert gal pal) dropped off the face of the Earth for well over a year after my wedding, despite phone calls, myspace messages, emails etc. When she was open to us getting together, we hung out and she told me she was dating a girl and had moved in with her. I have always been a very open minded person, and so this didn't bother me at all. What did bother me was that naturally I was hurt that my best friend had kept all of this from me and decided it was better not to talk to me for over a year than to share the changes she had made in her life with me.

This conversation was over a year ago and she rarely calls, never invites me anywhere and has never given me an opportunity to get to know her girlfriend. Am I being selfish or am I supposed to just let her go? -- Confused Catherine

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Dear Confused Catherine--

It is a little weird that your best friend was being so secretive with her personal life. Is there any reason you can think of that she would be hesitant to open up to you about this? Have you ever made an impression that you are anti-gay in front of her or have you ever been unsupportive of her life choices in the past?

Her disappearing act makes me think she was having some sort of inner turmoil that she clearly needed to sort out on her own terms. Coming out can't be an easy transition, so while you are feeling neglected and hurt that she didn't confide in you, I think you need to look at the situation from her perspective and try to understand what she has been going through. Keeping her sexual preference a secret was probably incredibly hard for her so she might just need some time to adjust to her new way of life, her new relationship, and new living situation.

Since she is still keeping her distance from you, have you made it clear to her that you miss her and want to be a part of her life? She could still be a little on guard, so I suggest you talk to her, explain how much you want to get to know her girlfriend and give her the reassurance it sounds like she needs that you accept her. I think a heart to heart would do your friendship a lot of good and I wish you luck!

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