You Asked: Who Should I Be With?

Dear Sugar,

I dated this guy several years ago. We always had amazing chemistry. We've known each other for almost 15 years, but he wasn't mature enough to handle a monogamous relationship when we dated, and he cheated repeatedly until we finally split up. After the breakup, I began seeing another man who, on paper, is a perfect catch — intelligent, sweet and funny — but we never quite clicked, and he never made me feel like my ex did. Regardless, we ended up getting married several years ago, but my ex has always been in my heart. He got married as well (to the woman he cheated with), but it didn't last and they are now divorced.

After his marriage ended, he walked back into my life. My husband and I had been having some problems for about two years, and when we saw each other again, we immediately clicked. I felt like I hadn't felt in years — I found my passion again, I found my drive, and I was happy. He admitted how much he missed me and how he had always loved me. As wrong as it is, I felt giddy again, and we've been having an affair for the last three years.

Yesterday, he told me that he can no longer do this, and I'm devastated. Apparently he's having thoughts of other women and is scared that if he can cheat with a married woman, he will cheat on me again. I don't know what to do, what direction to go, or which way to turn. Please point me in the right direction. — In Turmoil Izzy

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

You sure have gotten yourself into quite a love triangle here, but even though you say you have strong feelings for your ex, it doesn't excuse the fact that you're a married woman who's been carrying on an affair for three years now. Not only are you being incredibly selfish, but you're also doing yourself a huge disservice by staying with a man you don't love, not to mention living a lie to the person you took vows with. As for your ex, it's pretty clear that he has no sense of commitment or loyalty — he cheated when he was with you and now he's allowing himself to be the other man all the while retaining his wandering eye. If you ask me, this isn't someone you want to be with regardless of the chemistry you feel. Sometimes, if things don't work out the first time, there's a reason for it.

Of course, only you can know which direction to take, but if I were you, I'd sever ties with both these men ASAP and take some much needed time for yourself to sort out your love life. Perhaps a clear head will make you realize what it is you really need and want out of a relationship. Good luck to you.

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