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You Asked: Should I Forgive Her Insincere Apology?


Dear Sugar,
My old college roommate asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding six months ago, and I agreed. Unfortunately, three weeks ago, her mother has passed away unexpectedly. It has been hard on everyone, but especially difficult for the maid of honor; the bride's best friend and a college friend of mine. She's acted as the liaison between the grieving bride-to-be and all her friends. In the time since, the maid of honor expressed in an email to me that she was unhappy with the back seat I took during the grieving period. When I called her and told her I wasn't that close to the bride and I didn't think it was appropriate to get more involved than I already was, she got very upset, started to cry, and told me that perhaps I don't deserve to be in the wedding at all.

She has since emailed to apologize for that comment, but deep down, I know she isn't sorry. While I know this isn't her wedding or her decision, her words were still very hurtful. I know I have to at least keep up appearances through the wedding, but I don't know I can or should forgive her beyond that. Do you have any advice? — Scolded Bridesmaid Bianca

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Dear Scolded Bridesmaid Bianca,

It sounds to me like the maid of honor let the stress of everything get the best of her, and unfortunately, you got the brunt of it. I'm sure the bride is experiencing overwhelming emotion right now — the sadness of her mother's death mixed with the excitement of her upcoming wedding — but if you feel you did your part to express your condolences and be there to support her, there's not much more you could have done. Sure, there's a chance she told the maid of honor that she was disappointed you didn't take on a bigger role during this tragic time in her life, but you're right, that's between you and her. If you're concerned that could be a possibility, I suggest confronting her ASAP. Let her know again how sorry you are for her loss and ask her if there's anything else you can do.

Once things settle down, I have a feeling this misunderstanding will become a distant memory, but if not, it's completely your decision if you want to end the friendship after the wedding. I wish you luck in whatever decision you make, but remember, we can all say and do things out of character under times of stress — something you might want to keep in mind.

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