You Asked: To Reach out or Let Go?
Dear Sugar--
I have a problem with a formerly close friend of mine and I am really not sure how to handle the situation. My friend has not been “herself” for the past year and a half—when she got engaged to her longtime live-in boyfriend (he’s great and they’re a good match) she became a stereotypical bridezilla – selfish, stressed out, not a very kind person. I put up with a lot of her not so nice behavior and chalked it up to wedding stress, thinking it would go away. I supported her, tried to be the best friend that I could be despite being treated poorly at every turn. I kept thinking, “if I just wait it out—be there for her, my best friend will eventually reappear.”
Boy, was I wrong, the behavior actually got worse and worse—and by the end, she lashing out at those closest to her because she “could." I suggested counseling, and she actually behaved more selfishly and abusively towards us after the 3 months of therapy. So, about 2 months ago, I cut her off. There wasn’t a fight or anything, one insult too many caused me to stop calling or seeking her out. Mind you, she hasn’t tried to contact me—but we both could chalk it up to being legitimately
“busy." We have seen each other once at a friend’s bbq, and were cordial, but nothing more. I’m pretty sure she had been so wrapped up in her own head that she had no idea that something was amiss until the bbq last week.
Honestly, I am feeling a little guilty about the fact that I hear from a number of sources that she is nearing a breakdown and that she has pushed everyone close to her away—her husband included. I feel some sort of duty to try and help her out of the hole she has dug for herself. Everyone around who has seen this situation first hand is telling me "not to worry about it", "she doesn’t deserve my friendship/help", and "she’ll figure it out on her own", but I'm not so sure that she can handle it on her own that is. I don’t want to be the person who sits on the sidelines as she drowns in the mess she has made for herself without offering a rope. I do miss the friend that I once had and am sad that I know that person pre-bridezilla is gone. Do you think I should try to reach out to her? Or, should I just accept the loss of a friend and move on—regardless of what happens to her? --Torn Tabitha
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Dear Torn Tabitha--
Wow, I am sorry to hear about your friend, but this it sounds like there is a lot more going on that just a bad case of bridezilla! Although you say her husband is the perfect match for her, perhaps there is something going on between them that you are unaware of. The first year of marriage is not easy despite what people might think -- could she be having second thoughts? Has she opened up to any of your friends? Her family? Her husband? It is clear that your friend is crying out for help, so if your up for it, it sounds like she could really use a good friend right now.
When people are upset, it's not uncommon for them to lash out of the ones they love the most. It's a defence mechanism -- they fear their good friends will be able to see through whatever they are covering up, so while you have been burned by her in the past, I admire you for not just standing by while she continues to spiral out of control.
Take her to coffee or write her a letter and let her know you are there to listen when she is ready to talk and confide in you. You don't need to be a pushover to be her friend, so perhaps distancing yourself from her everyday life is still the best thing for you to do right now so you don't feel the sting of her selfishness. Hopefully knowing she has a trusted friend waiting for her on the side lines will give her the comfort and security she needs to open up. I wish you luck and I hope your friend gets down to the bottom of her problems.
