You Asked: Our Sex Life Sucks

Dear Sugar,


My boyfriend has ED (erectile dysfunction) and it's absolutely driving me crazy. I don't even want to have sex with him because it's very disappointing. He doesn't give me the satisfaction I desire and we are limited in sexual positions. He has tried Cialis and it's totally awesome when he's on it, but it's so expensive that we can't afford it. He's even tried ordering different vitamins and natural pills online, but they do nothing. I can't deal with this! I love him to death but the sex sucks!

—At My Wit's End Emily

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Dear At My Wit's End Emily,

Sex is definitely an important part of a relationship and I don't blame you for feeling frustrated. I think it's important to talk as openly as you can with your boyfriend. Since he's probably feeling really self-conscious about his ED, try to be as understanding as possible. Tell him how much you love him and how you want to deal with this as a couple, and reiterate that it's not just his problem. Be honest and let him know that your sexual needs aren't being met, and remind him that intercourse is just one way to share intimacy. You can still experience pleasure without him having an erection, so take the focus off what's in his pants and spend more time on foreplay. He can use his hands, his mouth, even a vibrator to help you have an orgasm. Pleasuring you will hopefully take his mind off the negative thoughts I'm sure he must be having about sex.

You may also want to encourage him to visit his doctor again. Perhaps there are other medications he can take that are less expensive. If you still hit serious road blocks, you have two options — you can be fed up with not being satisfied and leave him or you can stay in this relationship and learn to accept that he can't pleasure you sexually (and you may have to rely on pleasuring yourself). Only you can make that decision. I know in a perfect world, you'd want to have both love and pleasure, but you may have to decide which one will make you the happiest. Good luck, Emily.

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