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You Asked: Our Sex Life Is Missing Something


Dear Sugar,

I'm 27 years old, and my boyfriend and I have been together for four years. He and I are in the process of purchasing a home and moving in together with his 7-year-old son of whom he has primary custody. We have a great relationship, operate a successful business, and are building a nice family.

The problem is that for the past few months I've been feeling like something is missing sexually. We've always had a good sex life, and nothing has changed, but I think that I might be the problem. I long for the feeling you get when you hook up with someone new for the first time. I've been having dreams lately about getting together with other men, and I always wake up longing for something else. This feeling has been distracting me and leading me to dwell on the smallest little things.

When I was younger, I caved to my desires and cheated on two of my former boyfriends. However, I truly have zero desire to cheat on my current boyfriend. I love him dearly, can't imagine being with anyone else, and would never hurt him, but it's difficult to just pretend my feelings don't exist. Should I talk to him about it? Is this something that everyone goes through?

— Bored in the Bedroom Beth

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Dear Bored in the Bedroom Beth,

After a few years in a relationship and the impending move, it's completely normal to feel that desire for something new or different. While I'm happy to hear that you have no plans to cheat on your boyfriend, I don't think you should just ignore these feelings. Although I don't recommend telling your boyfriend that you're having desires to hook up with other men, I think it's perfectly OK to let him know that you need some changes in the bedroom.

Try experimenting with new positions and styles — ask your boyfriend to take you by surprise! Or try adding some spice to your usual routine; go out on the town and replicate some of that first date excitement. Even such a small change in the everyday can make what's old feel new. If you still continue to feel this way and remain sure of your feelings towards your boyfriend, try speaking with a therapist. Perhaps there's a deeper emotional issue that has lead to this pattern of desire.

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