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You Asked: My Boyfriend Isn't Ready For a Commitment

You Asked: My Boyfriend Isn't Ready For a Commitment


Dear Sugar,

I'm in a long-distance relationship with someone I really adore. We've been close friends for years and this Summer when we were home from college, we had a random fling that turned into a beautiful relationship. We're now back at school and living 400 miles apart, but we try to see each other every other weekend. Here's the problem, he feels like he only has three aspects to his life now — school, work, and me. He says that it's not my fault that he feels like his life is not his own, but he doesn't feel like he's ready for this huge commitment. I'm afraid that our relationship will fall apart because he's not willing to put forth the effort needed to make this work. We've had some serious talks about it but we just go in circles. What should I do?

—Trying to Keep Us Together Tamara

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Dear Trying to Keep Us Together Tamara,

Long-distance relationships require a ton of equal effort. Your relationship is based on phone calls, letters, emails, and the occasional visit and that may not be enough for him. I know you really want to be with him, no matter what it takes, but if he doesn't feel the same way, this relationship is going to end up being very one sided. You're going to be upset because he's not giving you what you need, and he's going to feel crowded and unhappy if you're nagging him. On the flip side, with enough love and commitment, long-distance relationships can work, but the fact that he's not putting forth the effort might be an indication of how he feels about you.

I hate to say this, but unless he's willing to balance school, his job, and this relationship, it may be time to break up. It can't feel good to be with someone who is iffy and unsure. Perhaps some space is in order so he can see how much he loves, misses, and cares for you, but if he can't come to that realization, it's time to go your separate ways. Good luck, Tamara.

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