Dear Sugar,
I'm 23 years old and my boyfriend is 28 years old. We've been together for nearly two years, and we love each other very much. I just need some advice on how to approach things in our relationship now that the honeymoon phase is over. Recently I feel like I've been taken for granted. He used to be very affectionate and always on top of everything but now I feel like I'm the one doing the chasing. I've become very jealous because he doesn't give me the same attention that he used to.
We see each other every day, and I can't help but wonder if he's just sick of me. I've been nagging him about what's changed, and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to make things the way they used to be. I don't know what I'm doing wrong? Now I can't stop being jealous and asking for reassurance; it's only making things worse. I don't want to lose him. What can I do?
— Honeymoon Is Over Olivia
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Dear Honeymoon Is Over Olivia,
It's normal for the physical affection and devotion that's there when a relationship begins to die down over the course of a year or two. Obviously the feeling that you're being taken for granted has made you very insecure in this relationship. Every time this insecurity rears its head your boyfriend pulls away, then you become more worried and the cycle continues.
First of all, I think you need to figure out why your self-esteem is determined so much by your boyfriend's affection. We all want our boyfriends to show their devotion, but should they stop, we need to have enough confidence to approach it head on and not lose ourselves completely. It's time to put the "nagging" aside and have a serious, sit-down conversation with your boyfriend. Explain to him why you've been acting the way you have been. It might be easier for him to understand your emotions if he hears that your neediness is coming out of a place of concern for your relationship.
If you've laid it all out on the table and nothing improves, then it might be time to start reassessing things. But until then, try talking it out, giving him space, and being direct about your needs. Good luck!
Chloe
Dear makes a good point about figuring out what is going on inside you that makes you need so much reassurance. However, I think it's fair to expect a certain amount of that kind of attention from a significant other. Isn't that part of what we sign up for? The problem is that nagging almost always backfires. Guys need things explained clearly and calmly. Demands and desperation just push them farther away.
1Hey...guess what...I'm you, only a bit longer into the relationship! LOL, I'm 23, my SO is 28, and we've now been together for 3.5 years now. I went through the same thing, and to an extent still am with regards to affection.
Priv.Message me and I'd love to chat with you about it! It takes someone who's been there to be able to really understand where you're coming from. And like I said...we've been together for over 3 years so you have a very good chance of pulling through this instead of breaking up like I'm sure many responses will soon tell you.
Cheers!
2each man is different when it comes to affection. us women want constant attention and affection. i mean we want it ALL the freakin time
and we watch shows, movies and other touchy feely couples who make
it look like all women are getting that kind of treatment.
3i was like u before, i mean i do get a significant amount of attention from my husband, just not as much as i can handle. and once i decided to stop being resentful and upset and just tell him, he was SHOCKED TO HIS CORE!!! hahaha he really thought he was MR. affectionate. so we talked about it...and he tries a little more and i understand a little more and its all good.
basically dont let what other people say or do affect ur own relationship.
I think that everyone goes through things like this in their relationship. It's completely normal and you're making your boyfriend more distant by always bringing it up and being completely dependent on his affection towards you. You'll get through it if you gain a little self esteem and talk through your problems with him.
4Stop right there hun! If you continue to question and nag him, it will only push him further away. I don't know your entire situation, but speaking from experience with my previous relationship, being together for that long can sometimes bore a partner. You've mentioned that you spend everyday together.. Well stop that right now. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder” and it works! Take a vacation from one another, do something exciting on your own or with girlfriends, go on an adventure, maybe start a time consuming workout routine, whatever it may be, you need to engage yourself in activities sans your significant other. Once you stop nagging and complaining, your BF will appreciate that certain aspect, but imagine the endless conversation opportunities that can arise once you stop spending so much time with one another, and tell each other the stories of things that you've done or seen! Rather than blaming him entirely in not being as affectionate, re-assess your own behavior. Would you want to be with someone who constantly complained and questioned your relationship?
I'm speaking from experience, being a GF just like you to my EX, and taking my own advice with my current BF of a year. We never run out of things to talk about, and every time we see one another is always like the first time!
5I see some pretty good advice here. One thing I can strongly suggest is coming up with some sort of regular group activity to do without him. I noticed the same thing that you did, and realized that if we just gave each other some quality time apart we'd be much more excited about seeing each other. Plus, we had something fun to talk about. And if you do something "chick-y" like a book club or yoga class you can find other women who aren't feeling the fires from their men and commiserate over coffee or martinis.
Another thing -- try not to nag. My husband HATES it when I do that, and I've found that it gets me nowhere. Instead, I'm just like, "Hey, you haven't gotten me chocolates or flowers or anything sweet in a long time. I think it'd be nice if you could stop on the way home sometime soon." So it's not the most romantic, but it's easy for the days to run together and forget little things like that.
And are you doing sweet things yourself? I've found my man is much more likely to lay on the sweetness if I'm leaving him notes in the morning or just texting an "I love you! You're great."
6Alright - I've been waiting to post on this subject... but the time has come.
If you feel like he is taking you for granted, take some time off.
I'm not saying break up - PLEASE READ.... NOT...
I'm simply asking how is your social life with your friends?
Do you go out with them - or with him and them?
Once a week - MINIMUM - gather the girls together and go out and have some fun. Get crazy, get rowdy - YOU'RE 23!
Have some fun BY yourself.. and make him do the same. Sometimes spending too much time together will distance your relationship. If you spend a night apart, the next day will be better because you've missed each other.
Another idea - Plan a trip. Jsut the girls and just the guys.
Get away from each other, and find yourselves again - then and ONLY then will you two be able to grow together.
You are still two people - just one relationship.
Branch out and make life worthwhile!
Do something YOU want to do.
Don't worry about the little things - it ruins the chances of the good things popping up!!
7wow that's crazy because i feel the same with my boyfriend. i hate asking for affection and attention.
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