You Asked: I'm Afraid I Talk Too Much

DearSugar,

Ever since I was a little girl, after my Mom died (I was 10), I've talked too much! Even my young friends were annoyed! Why do I do this, and what can I do to stop? I've tried telling myself to shut up, people don't care, but my mouth keeps going on and on. I feel sorry for people who help me at the store or answer customer service calls, because I know I'll trap them and not shut up!

Please, help me! My job is at stake. -- Chatty Cathy

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Dear Chatty Cathy --

I'm impressed with your level of self-awareness, as many people don't recognize the ways in which they leave little room for others in conversation. We all have a great need to be heard, so I hope you'll start by treating yourself with greater compassion and patience while you grow around this issue.

Loneliness, isolation, or anxiety can exacerbate our basic need to speak and be heard. These feelings also make it challenging to be curious about others, to listen, and to give our full attention to someone else -- someone who very likely has the same desire to share in conversation.

There are several good ways to burn off an overwhelming need to communicate, and they might help you be more appropriate and available to others when talking. I recommend starting a journal. Pour out your feelings and ideas there. Alternate that practice with an exercise in brevity: Try to write how you're feeling about 10 things in 10 words or less. Do this every day, as much as you can.

Find blogs you enjoy and get to know other people through how they express themselves. Read memoirs written by interesting women. You'll soon see that you're not alone in your desire to be known and cared about. Practice being both a listener and a talker in chat rooms and in your daily life at work. Ask questions. Focus on others.

You might begin a short meditation practice as well, to help slow things down on the inside. FitSugar has great information on her site, and I'm including the link here for beginning meditators.

If you haven't read Motherless Daughters, it might be very useful for you. A good reference book for learning specific tips to manage your self-consciousness or nervousness is called Conversationally Speaking. The links will take you to Amazon.com, where you can read more about them both.

I think you only need a little practice, polish, and confidence, Chatty Cathy. And I believe your willingness and openness means you'll master yourself this way very, very soon.

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