You Asked: I Don't Believe She Was Raped

You Asked: I Don't Believe She Was Raped


Dear Sugar,

My friend tends to get a little touchy feely with guys when she gets drunk. She has a boyfriend that she has been dating for almost three years who is studying abroad in Italy. Recently she got drunk, invited a guy over, and they had sex. She is really upset about what happened, and her boyfriend is being amazingly understanding, however I'm having a problem being as sympathetic. She is telling almost anyone who will listen the story and she's saying that the guy she invited over raped her.

I know he could have stopped it from happening, but so could she, and knowing her past I am almost certain she is the one who initiated everything. I don't want to hurt her feelings and make her think I don't feel for her, but this isn't the first time she drunkenly cheated on her boyfriend. It's also not the first time she has had drunken sex and claimed the guy raped her. I don't know what to do. How do I deal with this sort of issue?

— Skeptical Sasha

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Dear Skeptical Sasha,

Regardless of whether or not she's telling the truth, your friend is putting herself in very dangerous situations, and I can understand why you're feeling upset. Unfortunately, this is a tricky topic. Rape is an extremely serious allegation, and thus should be dealt with equal severity, although it sounds as if your friend isn't reporting this to the police or seeking emotional support from a professional source. Of course this could be the case because her allegations are untrue. Either way, her behavior is very self-destructive, but any attempt to question her story will only make you appear judgmental and uncaring.

I still think you should tell her that you're worried. Direct your concern at her unsafe choices and stay away from accusing her of lying. Be clear that you want to help her any way that you can, but you won't support her behavior when she's drinking anymore. Recommend that she starts seeing a therapist to figure out why she's letting random men into her home. If she knows that you're genuinely worried about her, she might be more receptive to your input. Good luck!

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