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You Asked: How Can I Stop Sabotaging My Relationship?

Dear Sugar,

I need your help. I am sabotaging my own relationship and I can't seem to stop. I am very much in love and for the most part, we have a wonderful relationship — we get along great, we laugh, our interests are the same, we want the same things for our future, etc. The only problem is I'm extremely jealous. I get myself so upset over the possibility of him with another girl, even if they are just friends and I feel like such a hypocrite because I have many male friends. I want so badly to be confident in our relationship, but instead I doubt him and accuse him and push him away. I just don't know what to do or where to turn and I am even getting on my own nerves! Why can't I change this mindset? Why can't I believe in what we have rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop? It's a miserable way to live so please tell me what I can do to change my way of thinking. — Paranoid Paulina


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Dear Paranoid Paulina,

Something tells me you have been hurt in a previous relationship, which is why you are being so over protective in this one. The thing about jealousy is you can get yourself carried away and really damage your relationship. Has your boyfriend ever given you any reason to doubt him? Since you have male friends, have you ever crossed the line with any of them? If so, you could have some feelings of guilt that is making you think he's doing the same thing. If none of these situations have occurred, I suggest talking to someone about your jealous tendencies. If he's feeling the need to constantly defend himself, you will eventually push him away for good.

It's not uncommon for people to sabotage their relationships because they don't feel they deserve to be loved or happy, but the thing is Paulina, you do deserve happiness. Waiting for the other shoe to drop can't make you feel very secure so I'd start with being honest with your boyfriend about your fears and again, I highly suggest talking to a therapist so you can work past your jealous mindset. Hang in there and hopefully you can get to the bottom of this sooner than later. Good luck.

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