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You Asked: How Can I Get Over This Betrayal?


Dear Sugar,
I was in a relationship with a man for three years and I thought he was it. A couple of months ago, he met a woman and they became friends. He mentioned her vaguely in the beginning but never spoke about her after that. I later found out that he had been secretly texting her and lying to me in order to meet with her. There were sometimes where he would stay out until two/three in the morning. When I confronted him about it, he denied that there was anything going on and he only talked to her about me and how to improve our relationship. I accepted his explication but his behavior became more suspicious. He took my acceptance of his explication as a sign that it was okay to continue on this relationship with this married woman.

I finally couldn't take anymore lies and ended the relationship. Unfortunately, the lies didn't stop there. After we had broken up, I found out that while I was at school, this woman would come to our apartment to see him. I felt very betrayed. When I pressed for more answers, he admitted that he had sex with her in our bed while I was visiting my family back home. I immediately moved out and changed my phone number. I wanted to cut all contact with him but it only lasted for a couple of days. I went for a walk one day and he spotted me and followed me to my new place. Now he drops by once in awhile to "see how I am doing" and it hurts just to look at him. What do I do? It's like he doesn't even care that he hurt me. He couldn't even wait until I completely moved out before she began to sleep over. I would find her clothes and other belongings when I would come to get my things. How can I get over this betrayal when I feel so much anger still?
— Betrayed and Hopeless Heidi

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Dear Betrayed and Hopeless Heidi,

Your boyfriend's lying and cheating is terrible and extremely hurtful so it's no surprise that you're still angry, I'd be a little alarmed if you weren't. Since you can't change the past, all you can do is make a better future for yourself. First and foremost, do not let this man come to your new home again. If he really cared "how you were doing", he wouldn't have made the decisions he did to get you where you are now. Since you were together for so long, it's going to take time before you're ready to move on. Keep yourself busy, use your friends and family for support, and whenever you're feeling lonely, think how lucky you are to have found out what this man is capable of before you were even more committed to each other. Time is a great healer, so be patient and good luck to you.

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