You Asked: His Career Is Bringing Us Down
Dear Sugar,
I've been with my current boyfriend for five months now and love him to death. He is a struggling musician chasing his dream and I am more than supportive of him. He works very hard at two jobs, and when he isn't working, he's writing music with his band, performing or touring the country. Most of his income goes to paying rent and supporting the band, which makes things really tough for him. I help him out the best I can, leave him some money so he can get to work on the subway or some cash so he can get some food, and I would never think to complain about it. He has a timeline set — if his music aspirations don't come to fruition by his set date then he plans to go back to school and pursue a different career, having music be more of a hobby.
But lately it seems like every time I talk to him he's sad. He's sad because he misses me, he's sad because he can't eat that day, or he's sad because he owes someone money for rent or a band thing. These are all legitimate reasons to be upset, but it's constant and draining on both of us. I've battled depression for a long time and knowing that I can't rescue him constantly kills me. He does the best he can and I want to be there to support him, but every time we talk I feel really down because I can't do more. I've talked to him about this but we don't know how to resolve it. He doesn't want to make me sad, but I don't want him to hide his problems from me either. I just don't know what to do to make things more positive for both of us. Do you have any suggestions? — Down in the Dumps Dede
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Dear Down in the Dumps Dede,
It sounds like your boyfriend is under a lot of stress right now, and while I understand that you want to be there for him, you need to take care of yourself first. Since you've struggled with your own depression, it's important not to let his troubles and anxieties bring you down. While I understand that you love him, perhaps the timing just isn't right for you to be in such a committed relationship. From what you're telling me, you aren't spending much time together so you might want to think about slowing your relationship down until he's able to settle into a more stable lifestyle.
If taking a break isn't something you're willing to do, perhaps you can talk less often, or try to always end the conversation on a positive note. Everyone, whether you're in a relationship or not, has their fair share of struggles, how you handle them is what's important. Money and career can be incredibly weight bearing but since you've only been together five months, I'm inclined to advise you to let him manage his money issues on his own. While being able to support him probably feels good to you, it'll just create an unbalanced relationship in the future. It's important for your boyfriend to rely on other people besides you for emotional support. Perhaps you could suggest he confides in his bandmates; people that understand what he's going through so you don't have to take the brunt of his worry. As you know, all relationships have their highs and lows, so hopefully this is just a bump in the road. Good luck.
