You Asked: His Anger Is Unjustified


Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost three years now. He used to be so great and still is in many ways, but things are different now. Last year, he cheated on me, which was a complete shock. We got through it, but to be honest I’ve never really gotten over it.

At this point, he is sick of me bringing it up and thinks I should just get over it. Obviously this has led to a lot of fighting, and his behavior has become practically abusive. He shouts and screams at me when we fight until all I can do is cry and beg him to stop. I can see how volatile and destructive this is, but it's confusing because when things are good, they’re really good. I know he loves me so is he acting out because of his own guilt? I know I should just break up with him, but it’s just not that easy. What can I do?

Hurt by His Rage Rachel

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Dear Hurt by His Rage Rachel,

You have every right to be upset. Your boyfriend betrayed you and that’s not something most people can simply "get over." However, it doesn’t sound like you guys are working through this at all. I can’t speak to why you’re boyfriend is reacting the way he is, but I will say that he doesn’t appear to be very concerned about you or your relationship. In fact, it’s quite disturbing that he handles your emotions with such anger.

Regardless of whether or not your boyfriend loves you, he is not treating you right. Instead of working to resolve issues, he attacks you. Either he needs to make some changes, or you’re going to have to walk away whether you want to or not. Let him know that you’re hitting your limit. Explain to him why you feel the need to bring it up, and tell him that it’s important that he just listens — ignoring it won't make it go away.

Meanwhile, closely consider whether or not you will ever be able to get over his infidelity. If you really believe that you can then figure out how. Will it just take time? Is there something you need him to do to or say to regain your trust? Is bringing it up all the time part of your healing process? Once you've figured all of this out bring it to him and go from there. It sounds like you guys have some pretty serious issues to work through. Good luck!

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