I'm usually OK with porn. I watch it myself and have watched it with former boyfriends however, my current boyfriend has always refused to let me watch his porn with him, and recently I learned why. The porn he watches is full of incredibly disturbing sado-masochistic porn, which I had no idea he was even slightly into. We've been together for almost two years! I'm definitely not into this kind of thing, and it makes me uncomfortable that he is. Can I approach him about this? And if so, what should I say? I don't want to ban him from porn that would be hypocritical, I'm just so shocked, and I feel like I need to know what about this turns him on.
— Doesn't Do Dominance Dee
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Dear Doesn't Do Dominance Dee,
When it comes to a couple's sex life, I think communication should always be open, honest, and direct so don't turn this into a secret you carry around or a beat around the bush conversation. Just let him know that you're aware of the particular kind of porn that he's into, and while you don't want him to stop watching it, you'd like to learn more about it. Ask him gentle questions, and avoid any kind of statements that might imply that you think something is wrong with him — if he's been trying to hide this from you, he's probably scared of being judged.
There are many misconceptions about S&M so don't let the stereotypes many of us inevitably carry around steer the conversation; instead, just hear what he has to say. Together you might want to determine how this particular sexual interest will or will not play a role in your own bedroom. And no matter what, know that it's OK if you don't feel comfortable with participating in such sexual play. Now that you've learned about his fantasies, it may take some time to adjust to, so be patient with him and yourself.