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You Asked: He's Not Pleasing Me in Bed

You Asked: He's Not Pleasing Me in Bed


Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I are both 20, and we have been dating for almost two years. We're a very sexual couple and have sex at least three times a week, however I'm not so sure it's because he's attracted to me or because he just needs the sex. He watches porn every other day and masturbates daily. When we have sex, I usually pleasure him orally first and then we have sex because he says he won't go as fast that way. But a lot of the time after I go down on him, he won't be able to get an erection again so I end up on top doing all the work.

I just can't help but feel that he isn't attracted to me sexually, but just wants the sex from any girl. It's very frustrating both emotionally and physically. We're in love and have a very good relationship, but I just wish he wanted to please me (instead of just himself). What do I do to bring it to his attention without making him feel insecure about his sexual abilities? His lack of interest in pleasing me is making me feel unattractive and unwanted. Please help!

— All Give and No Get Gracie

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more.

Dear All Give and No Get Gracie,

It doesn't sound like either one of you are communicating when it comes to your sexual needs and concerns. First of all, from a physical stand point, it doesn't make sense that your boyfriend wants to experience oral sex immediately preceding vaginal intercourse; men take a substantial amount of time before they can maintain a full erection after an orgasm. Though it can be as short as thirty minutes, it's still not immediate, meaning that engaging in sexual activity with you isn't going to be nearly as pleasurable as it would be if you waited for his body to fully recover.

However, your boyfriend has mentioned that he's worried about lasting long enough, so I have to wonder if he's paranoid about premature ejaculation and so avoids the possibility completely. Again, this is something that you can only learn by opening up to him and asking him to open up to you. Explain to your boyfriend exactly what you told me. Let him know that you want to learn more ways to please him during intercourse, and you want him to be more involved with your sexual satisfaction as well.

It's important to remember that your sexual needs are incredibly important. As with all other parts of a relationship, sex requires talking, so the only way to get what you want is to tell him! And don't forget to ask him what he wants, too. Good luck.

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