You Asked: He Likes His Computer More Than Me
Dear Sugar,
My boyfriend spends all day on the Internet. If I ask him a question while he's checking blogs, he dramatically takes off his headphones, presses pause on whatever music he's listening to, sighs and says "yes?" in a hostile tone. He checks all his favorite sites first thing in the morning, is on them when I get home from work, and is looking at them throughout the day. I think he feels that since we live together we're automatically spending "quality time together" by being in the same house even when we aren't interacting. Clearly, I feel differently, and his habits are driving me crazy.
Occasionally he makes jokes about being a bad boyfriend and ignoring me, but other than that we don't really discuss it. It's really starting to affect my self-confidence and our relationship. I just don't feel like a priority, and I'm coming in second to a computer screen! What can I do?
— Computer Woes Cassie
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Dear Computer Woes Cassie,
No one should feel like she's less of a priority than her significant other's computer, and while normally I would simply suggest that you talk to him about how you're feeling, I think there might be something deeper going on here. I'm concerned that he seems to think ignoring you is somehow joke worthy, and that even though he's obviously aware that what he's doing isn't right, he continues to do it without regret or apology.
Consciously being hurtful or disrespectful to someone you love is not a good quality to have. Though everyone lashes out at their loved ones from time to time, it's a much different story to consistently put your needs ahead of someone else's even though you know it's causing them strife. Your boyfriend is doing the latter, and that's not OK. It's time to take the confrontational route and tell him that he can no longer put his Internet needs in front of your relationship. Be very clear on how what he does is both hurting you and deteriorating your relationship.
Suggest therapy as a means of combating his addiction to the web, and try to come up with a reasonable schedule for him to be online versus spending time with you. Try doing activities that get you outside of the house where he won't be inclined to hop on the computer. If he simply won't change or acknowledge your feelings then you may want to consider moving out and moving on.
