I came home from work about a year ago to find porn left open on my computer. I was a little shocked but I wasn't upset at the time. I called him out and joked about it, hoping he wouldn't feel too embarrassed and I suggested we watch it together and asked him if he would show me the porn he likes. I've watched porn with all my other boyfriends before except this one.
The part where I start getting upset is when (about a year ago) we start having sex only once a week, and he seems to be totally fine with this. I'm sorry but I need more sex than that and I can sense my ego shrinking, and ideas about my sexuality growing more insecure because I feel I don't have the power to turn him on. I'm scared to even try to turn him on for fear he'll reject me. This obviously does not help our situation. We've talked about it many times. At first I tried being really sensitive as I know it's a delicate issue for men. But nothing's changed and now I'm just getting kinda pissed and probably a little insensitive.
Recently, I told him that I felt threatened by the porn and as an experiment, would he not watch for a while. All of a sudden our sex life is awesome again and I feel great. This has been happening for 2 weeks and I know, (I have my ways) that he watched porn last night. And this morning I'm just kinda pissed, mostly that he said he would not, and that he tried to keep it a secret.
What should I do? Is it fair for me to ask him not to watch porn in secret? Do you think that this could be good for him or too oppressive and have other side effects?
--Totally Confused About How I Feel
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Dear Totally Confused About How I Feel--
I don't think you're confused at all. You are in a relationship and you want to be having sex more than you are. That's a MORE than reasonable request considering he's the only guy you get to do it with. It's great that you are trying to share and participate in his fantasy and suggested watching it together -- that's definitely the first step. If he's into that, and it helps your sex life, I say go for it! On the other hand, it sounds like he may be too embarrassed or just wants to watch it alone (which is why he is keeping it a secret).
While his porn attraction is frustrating for you, asking him to flat out stop looking at it altogether will only make him do it secretly even more and even force him to start resenting you. I do however think it is fair for you to talk to him about it and set some boundaries. Explain how upset this is making you, that your feelings are hurt, that you feel unsexy, unwanted, unsatisfied and unloved. Relationships are all about compromise, so once you both communicate your wants, I'm sure you can figure out a way to make you both happy sexually. Although you feel as though your sex life was awesome ever since he stopped watching, do you know if it's satisfying for him? This might come as a shock to you, but not all guys want to have sex all the time. If the problem continues, you are never going to be happy at that point and I'd find yourself a man who shares your hunger for personal intimacy.