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You Asked: Depression Follow Up - My Boyfriend's Trying Too Hard

You Asked: Depression Follow Up - My Boyfriend's Trying Too Hard

Dear Sugar--

A while ago I wrote in about my depression and how to work through it with my boyfriend. I got some great advice from all you sugars, and started to make some progress with therapy and my relationship.


About a week ago my therapist suggested allowing my boyfriend to take care of me instead of always worrying about how my depression is affecting him. So I talked with him about it, and he was very gung-ho about being there for me. We also talked about how my sex drive is nonexistent, and how that's affected him. He said we'll just go with the flow, no pressure.

The problem is that every night, he tries harder than ever to turn me on and have sex with me. Ever since our talk, he's become overbearing ("Do you need anything? Are you okay? Are you sure?") and very forward with his sexual advances. Tonight he told me about big plans he has for us for the weekend - including dinner, dancing, and for the grand finale, a hotel stay.

I'm more frustrated, confused, and somehow hurt, than I was before we had our "groundbreaking" talk. I'm afraid he has grand expectations for this hotel stay that makes me feel like I am being pressured. It's not that I don't want to try, but lately I'm not comfortable being naked with myself, let alone anyone else. I feel like I've put a huge amount of pressure on him to pamper me and bring out the sexual goddess that's been hiding these past few months. Now, more than ever, I just feel like giving up on our relationship because I'm so emotionally exhausted. Dear Sugar, do you have any insight?

-Feeling Pressured and Still Depressed Debra

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Feeling Pressure and Still Depressed Debra--

It sounds like your boyfriend has sweet intentions, but unfortunately they are coming across as overwhelming. He's probably really excited that you reached out for him and now he's trying to give you everything he's got. It sounds like he misunderstood you asking for support as giving him the green light to turn on the moves. I totally understand that that's probably the complete opposite of what you want from him right now, so talk to him.

I'm sure this depression has taken hold of your life, and if your boyfriend is constantly checking in with you and treating you like a helpless woman, it'll just be a reminder of the depression you're trying so hard to forget. I would be honest and have another heart-to-heart talk with him. Explain that you appreciate his kind support, but that it's a little overkill. Ask him to tone it down on the help and the sexual advances.

Perhaps a weekend together with him at some gorgeous hotel isn't what you need right now but rather a weekend apart. Having a chance to be alone with your thoughts might bring you a world of insight. But on the other hand, maybe you should just go with the flow and see where this romantic weekend away takes you. Getting out of your day to day life may be just the thing to get you out of this funk. It's totally up to you, so do what ever makes you comfortable. I hope this helps!

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