I hate my best friend's husband. We were once close friends, but for the past year we've been drifting apart and now I can't stand him at all. He is selfish, bossy and ugly to me and to my best friend. I have tried talking to him about some of his comments but nothing seems to help.
Recently, he confronted me about being rude. I was very calm with him but I am furious inside. I am at the end of my rope with this friendship, but I worry that if I fight back it will cause serious tension for my best friend and me. The three of us spend so much time together. I just wish he would see what a jerk he's being. Any advice? -- Fuming Friend
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Dear Fuming Friend --
I can hear that you’re both angry and hurt about the ways the friendship between you & your best friend’s husband has changed. And who can blame you? It sounds like girl nirvana: you get 2 BFFs for the price of one.
I’m gonna suggest a little cooling off period, effective immediately, so this triangle doesn’t become a train wreck, ok? Spend time alone with your best friend for the next month or so, and vent your frustration, confusion and sadness to a different girlfriend altogether. If the prince has indeed turned into a toad, the cooling off period will be good practice for the future. When some of the anger has subsided, and if you want to salvage that friendship, you might ask him to meet and talk with you.
The husband may have changed, or your own feelings about the drifting friendship might be influencing how you experience him. Either way, it will end badly if you both start reacting angrily to each other. For now, keep your focus on preserving the closeness and goodness between you and your best friend. She’s got her own relationship with her husband, and she’ll need to work out for herself what she finds acceptable and tolerable about his behavior.
I’m sorry I can’t help with the jerk-awareness wish. I’m just hoping in a few months you’ll have more clarity around what happened in your friendship with him, who he’s become or what he’s been going through, and how to let go -- if it comes to that -- in a way that’s good for you and your best friend.