You Asked: Am I Just Insecure?


DearSugar --

I am 33 years old and my boyfriend is 25. He's a very good young man but for some reason I can't seem to trust him. I feel as if he's hiding stuff from me. When we go out together it's always a disaster because he's looking at other women. Not just looking but loookking! He says it's nothing but I feel so funny. I love him but sometimes I feel I should let him go. Maybe there's no future because he's so young.

All his friends have 8- to 10-year relationships. When he broke up with his first love he was very hurt. And after 4years when I came along I had to tell him it was inappropriate to talk to her anymore. He stopped for a while, but when we had arguments, I think he started to talk to her again. Keep in mind she's married with 2 kids.

Even so, I have no proof of all the things I'm saying. But I just can't trust him. He says the strangest things to me about sleeping with younger women when I get old and it hurts, but he thinks it's funny. Should I get out while it's early? It's only 1 year so far. Help! ~ Uneasy Evelyn

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Dear Uneasy Evelyn --

I don't know which came first, your insecurity or your boyfriend's behavior, and I'm not sure it matters in this case. From what you've described, one couldn't help but feel unsure and uncomfortable about this relationship, as he seems to have no idea what's appropriate or loving. Staring at other women is not alright. Talking about other women in sexual ways is not alright. You can't trust him because his behavior suggests he has very little regard for how you feel, which means there's no way to know what he will or won't do.

I'm very, very glad you're asking these questions, Evelyn. I wish I could say it's his age that limits your future with him, but I fear it's his attitude that's the problem. A healthy relationship is one in which there is mutual physical and emotional safety, honesty, enjoyment, respect and acceptance.

I encourage you to think long and hard about what you want in a man, what his qualities and virtues should be. Decide for yourself what is and isn't acceptable to you, and make those things clear to anyone you become involved with. Ask yourself how you want to be loved, and be true to how you answer that question, Evelyn. There is someone out there who will be good to you, someone you can trust; please don't settle for anything else.

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