Would You End It If You Found Out Partner Cheated Years Ago?

September 30, 2010

It's always heartbreaking to find out your partner cheated on you, but what if the episode of infidelity happened years ago? You might not want to walk away from years of a solid relationship, but on the other hand you could feel like the whole thing has been based on a lie. A TrèsSugar Community member recently shared her dilemma: she cheated on her husband years before they were married, and had what she calls "a small indiscretion" one month into their marriage. Years later her husband has found this all out at once, and they're trying to make it work through therapy. What would you do if you were in her husband's position?

Source: Flickr User egor.gribanov

25 Comments

Sourie 2 years 32 weeks

Agreed with MissSushi, i couldn't continue neither. If he lie about cheating what else can he lie about? A relationship is based on trust and working together. The connection will be lost if any of those links are break.

MissSushi 2 years 33 weeks

I couldn't continue. Even if the relationship was amazing and we had spent long hard years making sure we were a well working team, the minute I found out he cheated on me and had been lying by omission for years and years on end, I would never be able to trust, connect, or make an honest effort at the work a healthy marriage requires.

danakscully64 2 years 33 weeks

The vote is split right now. I would try to work it out, but that would only be if the relationship had been great since.

missyd 2 years 33 weeks

Anon #9: I don't think you're a 'horrible' person. Alot of people make this same mistake. You may be otherwise a lovely person with good values and morals who just made a really bad mistake.And you know what? Maybe you are completely right not to tell him in your case: I have no right to judge anyone really and I don't know you or your specific situation.I just know I wouldn't appreciate it, and overall I think it's a disrespectful thing to be hiding things like that from someone I love. But, on the other side of that coin, if you told him now, I guess the odds of him leaving are even higher cause not only would he be upset about the infidelity but probably also the duration of lying too.I don't know.

missyd 2 years 33 weeks

Anon #9: I don't think you're a 'horrible' person. Alot of people make this same mistake. You may be otherwise a lovely person with good values and morals who just made a really bad mistake. And you know what? Maybe you are completely right not to tell him in your case: I have no right to judge anyone really and I don't know you or your specific situation. I just know I wouldn't appreciate it, and overall I think it's a disrespectful thing to be hiding things like that from someone I love. But, on the other side of that coin, if you told him now, I guess the odds of him leaving are even higher cause not only would he be upset about the infidelity but probably also the duration of lying too. I don't know.

2 years 33 weeks

Another post from Anon #9 -Missyd: I respect your opinion, I really do and for the longest time I beat myself up inside about keeping such a secret and as I said in my message it still pains me to think about it. However, I have battled with this for so long even to the point when I was still in college that I sought counseling services. It was 2 years after the event and I decided to make use of free counseling services that were offered to students. As you probably think, I thought I was a horrible person and thought that this was my push that would lead me to telling him, this counselor would help me find the strength to do so. However, after meeting with the counselor several times she helped me to better analyze the situation and to think about the circumstances that led to the event and to think about what compelled me to do such a thing. It also helped me to think about who would benefit from me revealing this truth. By telling my boyfriend of this event that transpired 2 years past I would finally be able to rid myself of the constant guilt that follows me around, so I come to understand that revealing this event after so much time has passed would be a very selfish act because I would be the only person benefiting from it. The one moment, three months into our relationship had been my only infidelity and while everything I said does in no way justify this action, I think I have made the right decision for my situation. If I would tell my fiance now of this, 5 years after it happened, what good would it do? Yes, he would finally know and he would be able to evaluate the relationship for what it is but why tarnish what we have at this point for such a dumb stupid mistake. I do feel however that if I were to tell him, he would forgive me and so again why relieve myself of the guilt to in turn place the negative moment on his conscience. I've spent my whole life loving this man, we started dating when we were 16 years old and were only separated for a year (which in that time I dated the then to become ex) and because I love him so much I will not tell him. I know people may disagree with this but I truly think I've made the right decision for my life situation.

missyd 2 years 33 weeks

Anon #9: IMO, your fiance has every right in the world to know about your night with the ex.

missyd 2 years 33 weeks

GlowingMoon, I couldnt have said it better myself. I have no tolerance for any of that sh*t. Plus, I would never fully recover. My heart would be broken and I dont think I'd ever feel the same way. I am nothing but faithful, even in the face of opportunity, and I expect/demand the same from him. I believe it is a big part of marriage, and if you break that rule, even just once with something as 'minor' (if you think it is?) as a kiss, then thats says enough right there. You dont have the commitment or dedication I need.

missyd 2 years 33 weeks

GlowingMoon, I couldnt have said it better myself.I have no tolerance for any of that sh*t.Plus, I would never fully recover. My heart would be broken and I dont think I'd ever feel the same way.I am nothing but faithful, even in the face of opportunity, and I expect/demand the same from him. I believe it is a big part of marriage, and if you break that rule, even just once with something as 'minor' (if you think it is?) as a kiss, then thats says enough right there. You dont have the commitment or dedication I need.

Venus1 2 years 33 weeks

Annon Poster 9; I support your view and think you have done EXACTLY the right thing. As for thinking you would never be a "cheater" I think that applies to most people who have had a little discreet time. The needs we all have for security and excitement sometimes clash and cannot easily be reconciled. I still think emotional, physical and mental abuse is worse than anything you can do sexual with a third person while in a relationship. While we are on the subject I think fantasising about pretending your lover/partner is someone else too is also worse; that is just plain rude! Amber, I admire your positive view.

Venus1 2 years 33 weeks

Annon Poster 9; I support your view and think you have done EXACTLY the right thing. As for thinking you would never be a "cheater" I think that applies to most people who have had a little discreet time. The needs we all have for security and excitement sometimes clash and cannot easily be reconciled.I still think emotional, physical and mental abuse is worse than anything you can do sexual with a third person while in a relationship. While we are on the subject I think fantasising about pretending your lover/partner is someone else too is also worse; that is just plain rude!Amber, I admire your positive view.

amber512 2 years 33 weeks

I would try to make it work. I told my husband before we got married that we are together until death do us part. So he better be prepared for the long haul!

2 years 33 weeks

I guess I will comment being that I have experience on the other side of the situation. I have been with my now fiance for several years (we started dating in high school and are now 26 years old) and at one point during college we had broken up. During our separation, I began dating someone else which in turn did not last. A few months after this relationship ended, my now fiance and I rekindled the romance and have been together ever since. However, a month into our "rekindled romance" I ran into my ex- from the in between relationship while out with my girlfriends and that night I ended up going home with him. Now I can honestly tell you that I have regretted that moment every second since it has passed and have never told my now fiance. The memory haunts me and it is honestly very painful to live with. While I know I deserve no pity, I do think it is possible for some people to have true moments of weakness. I never thought I would be a "cheater" and hate that I have to secretly live with the label. While I realize the right thing to do would have been to tell my now fiance-then boyfriend what happened and to hope that the relationship could be salvaged, I was a coward and chose not to. Now five years have passed, we are engaged, planning our wedding and are very in love. Would we still be in love if I had done the right thing? I don't know. Will I ever tell my fiance of this event? No, because I feel that it is now my burden to carry and I do agree that it would be even more hurtful to reveal something after so much time has passed. All I know is that I am happy, he is happy and I will do anything and everything it takes to be faithful and committed to our relationship.

Venus1 2 years 33 weeks

I would try hard to sort it out if the relationship was currently good. There are other things in a relationship that I would deem worse and totally unforgiving though. The sex thing is often thought as the big one. In my opinion (don't sheet me down on this, I'm entitled to a view that does not harm others) it is less than other major things.

Venus1 2 years 33 weeks

I would try hard to sort it out if the relationship was currently good.There are other things in a relationship that I would deem worse and totally unforgiving though. The sex thing is often thought as the big one. In my opinion (don't sheet me down on this, I'm entitled to a view that does not harm others) it is less than other major things.

GlowingMoon 2 years 33 weeks

I'm in the minority here. I would probably end it, as the marriage was based on a lie. He's not the (faithful) husband I thought he was. Incidentally, I'm a very faithful wife, and I've received (and still receive) offers. Needless to say, I declined all offers, following-through on my marriage vows to my husband, and remained faithful to him. I demand THE SAME from him. If he falls short of that, breaking his marriage vow to me, I'm walking away from the marriage.

GlowingMoon 2 years 33 weeks

I'm in the minority here. I would probably end it, as the marriage was based on a lie. He's not the (faithful) husband I thought he was.Incidentally, I'm a very faithful wife, and I've received (and still receive) offers. Needless to say, I declined all offers, following-through on my marriage vows to my husband, and remained faithful to him.I demand THE SAME from him. If he falls short of that, breaking his marriage vow to me, I'm walking away from the marriage.

tlsgirl 2 years 33 weeks

For me it would depend on what was done and when in the relationship it happened. If it were early on when it wasn't serious and wasn't a huge indiscretion (say, kissing as opposed to sex), I would probably try to work through it.

totygoliguez 2 years 33 weeks

I don't know what my reaction will be.On one side, You have all these years of love and respect, but on the other , you doubt weather it was real. How do I know he only had that one "indiscretion"? I hope I never find myself in that situation.

totygoliguez 2 years 33 weeks

postmodernsleaze 2 years 33 weeks

I think it would almost be worse if he went years without telling me. After a certain amount of time has gone by, why tell at all at that point? If a boyfriend cheated on me and told me soon after it happened, I think I would be less upset than if he lied for so long and then suddenly decided to tell me. Cheating is shady enough as it is, why make it that much shadier?

starbucks 2 years 33 weeks

What Sugar & Spice said. If the cheating happened very early on in the relationshiip and it's been going strong since then, probably not...A few weeks ago we went to a wedding where I didn't know anyone, and my boyfriend only knew the groom. On the way home my bf told me about their partying ways back in the day and how his friend cheated on his then pregnant girlfriend. She had no idea she was marrying someone that cheated days before she gave birth to their child! I felt so bad for her....I just hope she never finds out...

starbucks 2 years 33 weeks

What Sugar & Spice said. If the cheating happened very early on in the relationshiip and it's been going strong since then, probably not... A few weeks ago we went to a wedding where I didn't know anyone, and my boyfriend only knew the groom. On the way home my bf told me about their partying ways back in the day and how his friend cheated on his then pregnant girlfriend. She had no idea she was marrying someone that cheated days before she gave birth to their child! I felt so bad for her....I just hope she never finds out...

weffie 2 years 33 weeks

I could forgive the cheating, just not the years of lying. Even having the capacity to lie like that is a dealbreaker for me... dishonesty is a personality trait, and it's an ugly one. I'd put money on it that she lied to him about tons of other things all along, not just about her "small indiscretion."

2 years 33 weeks

I think a lot would depend on the state of the relationship since then. For example, have there been other issues (lying, hiding money, etc.) and the reason why s/he cheated in the first place.

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