I have, and it didn't seem like a big deal at the time, but his parents' tortured relationship and his alcoholic dad's actions really influenced his ideas about how relationships are conducted. I come from a very happy family and I'm lucky. While I would never judge a person for their parents' actions, it's been much better for me to be with someone who came from another happy family - he has a healthy attitude towards relationships in general and doesn't think it's normal to scream during a disagreement.

Love is about acceptance including accepting his past, his history, his family including unpleasantness that is hidden from the public if you will. No one should accept abuse or degrading acts, attitudes or emotions, but as a significant other of another, all that factors are to be considered carefully before engaging in a committed relationship with the other person. Afterall, no one should in an excessively dependent relationship for a prolong period of time. Nevertheless, the ultimate goal of any relationship is to grow, learn and improve together as a couple.

I've dated both: stable family and strained family. It really depends on what is causing the strain in the family. Certain things can affect how the guy acted in his relationships (friends, family, dating). I have more success in dating when the guy comes from a family background that is similar to mine, but that's a dime a dozen. I think you have to know what you can deal with and accept that you may really like the guy, but sometimes family issues can get in the way.

Dang it! My 4th double post of the day. Sorry all.

My boyfriend right now has a VERY STRAINED FAMILY. Like - they are messed. I am not going to lie, it is very hard. His brother and sister are very unstable people and my boyfriend has basically put his life on hold to help them out for the current momment.

Honestly, I can't do this forever. And I told him that.

I love him and I am there for him - he knows that. But WE should not have to suffer (relationship wise and lifestyle wise) because of the actions of his family.

while I love my grandparents (dad's parents), I grew up watching them have a very strained relationship with my mother, basically amounting to her not ever feeling truly a part of their family. at least for me, it is very important to me that my mate for life has a family who at least accepts me and welcomes me..... every family has some dysfunction, but I don't want to feel like a guest for the rest of my life

I come from a strained family setting. My mom and dad had a VERY strained relationship with my dads parents. My parents themselves had a very strained relationship, and then they divorced. My BF's parents were very nice, to the point of fakeness and made sure he never saw what a REAL relationship -- with healthy conflict, etc., looked like. Now, they too are divorced.

I have a strained relationship with my family. I haven't spoken to my dad or brothers in years. I speak to my mom occasionally. He never speaks to his parents.

I am, and I guess it works for us because I have a strained relationship with my family, too. I can say from first-hand experience it doesn't make anyone a bad person if they have a rocky relationship with their parents. Really, it doesn't. I'm not just saying that because I do but my parents and I don't agree on a lot of things because we hold different views, come from different generations etc. so it could be a number of things. Of course it can be a huge red flag depending on the situation but as most things are it's just a part of life.

My sister is currently engaged to someone my parents hate. What can ya do?

i dont speak to my father because hes a bad person. i would hate for someone to judge me because my father is a bad person.

Lovely-1, you and me both (I swear we need to start a support group,lol). I'm in the same exact boat, his family is starined with each other and to top it off his mother and grandmother really really don't like me (to put it mildly) and they have no problem letting me know that. Then its a huge starin on our relationship because now I refuse to see his family and don't come around of their family events (not that they are inviting me anyways). The biggest strain has to be the fact that he always tells me to "just ignore it" but i get upset if they said something really mean or acted very rudely because I feel he should say something.
It's putting a big dent in our relationship.

I really wouldn't care. A person is not defined by his/her family.

It depends on the circumstances (i.e. what his family is like).

As someone who has some strained family relationships I can say it is a huge red flag. I have had relationships end in the past because my partners did not care for my family and how my relationship with them affected me. It is understandable.

As for my husband I never talked to him about my family for a year. When I finally did he didn't believe me. Luckily he stayed with me to learn about why we are so strained and he is fine with the state of my relationship with them.

I am convinced it will always be a red flag, but if the person is worth it you get to root of why that flag exists and try not to judge them until you know more facts about the circumstance.

I don't know it depends on alot of factors. Also would you want to bring kids into an environment like that.

Sure. People can't help it if they have family troubles. I'd be more interested to see how the person I'm dating deals with those troubles. That says a lot about how they'll deal with conflict in our relationship.

My husband has a very strained relationship with his family. He and his father do not get along at all, and have gone a few years without speaking. He rarely contacts his sister, and he only makes a few phone calls to his mother each month. I've known this since the beginning, and while it makes me a bit sad that he isn't close with his family, it didn't affect my decision to date/marry him. As long as OUR relationship is functional and in a good place, that's all that matters.

My ex-boyfriend had some issues with his family...it didn't affect my feelings for him. I felt bad about his situation and tried to help when I could.

I have in the past and never thought of it as a red flag. But I ended up marrying a man who has a good relationship with his family. I'm glad that it worked out this way - his family is wonderful!

It doesn't affect how I feel at all. You can't always judge a person by their family, but it can explain someone's behavior sometimes. As long as he's a good person and we have a good relationship, then I don't see why his relationship with his family should matter.

My BF has a great relationship with his parents and extended family, but he and his sister don't talk at all. I think the last time he saw her face was about eight months ago. Conversely, I get along fairly well with my sisters and dad, but my mom hates my BF for no logical reason, and my grandparents just don't want me dating at all, I think; i'm still the little girl in the pink tutu to them, even though I'm 20. So, we kinda help each other with our family problems, and it all works out.

I think the way a person interacts with their family is important. I'm mostly concerned with immediate family. The way you were raised says a lot about you and I love to see a guy who gets along with his mom, dad, brothers and sisters. Family loyalty is very important to me so I look for that in a guy.

nice prize would make the wife happy

I would. I have a very strained relationship with my father and up until this summer we hadn't talk for almost two years. The only reason I see him now is because I want to be able to see my younger siblings, so who am I to judge?

I completely agree with Kia. It's a huge red flag, but if you love the person enough to get past it to the root of the problem, then it may be worth it.

I do think though, that their relationship with their family impacts on how they operate within their own relationships, and I've been in the situation where it's just been a massive strain.

I myself come from a very healthy, stable background, and i find that ex boyfriends have come to resent that over time, although it's not my fault!

red flag!

No, it doesn't bother me. My concern is when they are OVER involved with their family. I dated a guy whose family felt like they were just there to give each other an over-inflated ego. Seriously, they had their own secret website they would post jokes/videos to and brag about their kids. It was a little pathetic how funny they thought they were. I think they just didn't understand that each family has a dynamic that makes things uniquely funny to that particular family.

Wow, I had to get something off my chest didn't I?

My husband's family dislikes my parents. Seeing my parents aren't the grandest to me. It can be uncomfortable...but I deal.

I have dated both, and they both have their downsides.

The boy who had a very troubled family ended up being very bad at handling any sort of conflict and thought the best way to get around it was to start yelling and baiting me. There was a lot of mutual hate in his family and it bled through to our relationship.

The boy who had a fantastic relationship with his family was a lot of fun and we could be a lot closer to each other because there was no fear of not having support. But the deal breaker was when I was having some trouble and asked him to keep it quiet, and he went and told his mother!

My boyfriend is and only child of a single mother. He didn't talk to his mom often, and they rarely saw each other when we started dating. Because of his cousin moving to town, and me being around to drag him there, we started having dinner with his mom every sunday. Now they are super close. She is moving to another state in a few months, and I'm very glad that they have been able to have time together as adults to get to know each other again before she moves.

I think it depends. My parents aren't the easiest people to deal with, but I know my bf recognizes that and is mature enough to handle them accordingly and be supportive of me. Of course, this involves me being aware of the health of our relationship and keeping my folks at arms-length as much as possible. Unfortunately you can't choose your family, but you can choose how you deal with them. Obviously if you're dating someone who constantly bends over backwards for a completely dysfunctional family and ignores your needs, there is room for great concern.

I would be very disappointed if someone chose not be in a relationship due the lack of relationship i have with father. Basically he is unwilling to make time to come visit me it is a 2 1/2 hour drive, at one point after inviting to come visit for a weekend he said he come in a few weeks, every few weeks I'd ask and get the same answer, that went for 2 years, when i told him let me know when he is free, he's been able to find 4 days in the last years to be able to come visit.