Where Do You Stand: Asking Her Parents For Permission to Propose

August 8, 2008

I’ve always thought that when a man knows he wants to propose to his lady, he should ask for her parents' permission. Now I know it’s a tad old-fashioned, but I think what I like about it is the idea that he’s taken the time to contact her family and let them in on this momentous occasion so they can be a part of it from the very beginning.

But every family is different, and I know that there are some people who don’t have a relationship with their parents that would call for such formality. What do you think? Where do you stand when it comes to a man asking his girlfriend’s parents’ permission before popping the question?

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113 Comments

3 years 22 weeks

I'm going to have to join the "dump him" brigade here. It might show respect for my father, but it shows little respect for me. As for the "it's a tradition" arguement - 5,800 women are burned alive every year in India because they don't come with a large enough dowry, that's a tradition there. So how many traditions do you want to keep going?! Personally, I want to drop the ones that involve disrespect to women. Some of the responses here show how much these girls have completely ditched feminism and accepted that they are pointless, opinionless objects - probably the same girls who wear playboy bunnies on their jeans and don't buy anything unless it comes in pink! I'm better than that, so I have to say that I'm very glad my fiance did not ask my father's permission, and nor do I intend to have a "traditional" wedding - it's my wedding and I'll have it however I like! There are still a lot of areas where women are not equal to men, so we need to keep feminism going until as many inequalities as possible have been ironed out. It annoys me to see girls here giving up so easily on something that's been fought so hard for.

3 years 34 weeks

Never mind me, I think my father would be insulted! He didn't bring us up to be strong, independent women for nothing!

dikke kus 4 years 1 week

I think I have said enough by my last post , but it's funny how men never resent this type of formailty, and I can see everyone's argument of course. But in kind response I just see so many hidden dangers with a blessing by the brides parents. First the engagement will not be a romantic surprise but rather a deal breaker with said parents. I see that many have posted this query, but no one is answering. Was the answer after his proposal "Yes" or "you'll have to have a talk with daddy/mommy"? AD NAUSEUM. Then also did you ever ask yourself are your parents just bending to the pressure to make everyone happy? How would anyone ever know? In addition what if your dad didn't seemed too thrilled? Would you cancel the engagement? If not, then what is the point of the whole thing. A formality? And then another danger exisits..... Isn't the future bride making a pitch with his parents to assure them she is deserving of him? Why not? After all isn't thier son the prince? Maybe they would say before desert they always hoped for someone strong and independent, not a princess he would have to take care of the rest of his life. This tradition arises because you are treated as the lesser sex, therefore he asks... but lets not make such a big deal out of it. Anyway the lunch date just solidifies the fact that you are indeed daddy's baby girl, and he will bend under the shadow of your parents approval for a life time. In perpective, I am sure people with a great deal of independence and courage just don't need to involve their parents. Perhaps like the men and women fighting in wars out there today. After dodging bullets I'm sure they can handle a decision themselves.

dikke kus 4 years 1 week

4 years 1 week

I'd expect my future fiance/husband to at least make a lunch date with my dad and explain his intentions in proposing. I'm daddy's little [baby] girl, after all. I want my dad feeling confident that the man proposing is the man who deserves me. That the man proposing is able to take care of me. That's just how it goes in my family. Older sister's husband did the same out of respect and formality. Wouldn't seem right to spring on the news of an engagement without my parents knowing, first. But I don't look down on others who disagree. To each their own!

dikke kus 4 years 1 week

I don't think its cute or respectful or sweet to have your future husband ask your father his permission. A real man asks you first. A baby asks your daddy. That's because men who are smart, independent and have lives, money and minds of thier own are more concerned with YOUR answer and your feelings. Part of the history of asking for a daughter's "hand in marriage" is that, according to Biblical scripture, there used to be a price paid for the daughter of a gentleman. The idea was that the woman would no longer be a working member of the father's family. The price was measured in other property, paid to the father, like a pig or a horse. That's why the United States and other top world nations have disposed of this tradition. We don't consider women as equivalents to property, pigs and horses anymore. This country honors women as equals and valuble human beings. Here she is free to accept or decline an offer. It is of great importance that women understand. The type of person who likes a man to ask her father is a baby and has not become an independent person. My guess is money is the underlying reason for this type of behavior, so daddy can prepare himself for the giant bill they will generate for the wedding and honeymoon. When I met my future husband I was traveling alone in Europe. We traveled great distances to see eachother and pursue the relationship. I let my parents know a few weeks after we became engaged a year later. My engagement day was a beautiful private and personal choice. I was very proud of myself.

dikke kus 4 years 1 week

I don't think its cute or respectful or sweet to have your future husband ask your father his permission. A real man asks you first. A baby asks your daddy. That's because men who are smart, independent and have lives, money and minds of thier own are more concerned with YOUR answer and your feelings. Part of the history of asking for a daughter's "hand in marriage" is that, according to Biblical scripture, there used to be a price paid for the daughter of a gentleman. The idea was that the woman would no longer be a working member of the father's family. The price was measured in other property, paid to the father, like a pig or a horse. That's why the United States and other top world nations have disposed of this tradition.We don't consider women as equivalents to property, pigs and horses anymore. This country honors women as equals and valuble human beings. Here she is free to accept or decline an offer. It is of great importance that women understand.The type of person who likes a man to ask her father is a baby and has not become an independent person. My guess is money is the underlying reason for this type of behavior, so daddy can prepare himself for the giant bill they will generate for the wedding and honeymoon. When I met my future husband I was traveling alone in Europe. We traveled great distances to see eachother and pursue the relationship. I let my parents know a few weeks after we became engaged a year later. My engagement day was a beautiful private and personal choice. I was very proud of myself.

teegaall 4 years 16 weeks

I think it's a sweet and considerate gesture.

HeidiMD 4 years 38 weeks

My fiance didn't ask, and I didn't want him to! It was a very personal decision, and my family doesn't really need to give me their opinions on it.

kh61582 4 years 38 weeks

A good friend of mine says her boyfriend plans to ask her fathers permission before they get married. My first response was thinking that's terrible because she knows it coming which I think takes some of the romantic surprise out of it. If a man did that for me I wouldn't want to know about it ahead of time. Plus I'm not sure if I would want that at all. I get along with my parents but I'm not the type to be affected by whether my parents approve or not. I'm the baby in the family so I guess that makes me a little rebellious. I was extremely close to my grandparents and if they were alive I would be really moved if my boyfriend asked them for permission but with my parents I'm not really affected one way or the other.

Seka21 4 years 38 weeks

He asked me if i wanted him to ask my mum.I said yes it would be nice if he did.He ran downstairs and asked, then ran backupstairs again :)It was so sweet and funny !! I think he asked me 13 times in 2 days just to make sure i wasnt joking when i said yes!

Seka21 4 years 38 weeks

He asked me if i wanted him to ask my mum. I said yes it would be nice if he did. He ran downstairs and asked, then ran backupstairs again :) It was so sweet and funny !! I think he asked me 13 times in 2 days just to make sure i wasnt joking when i said yes!

ang1885 4 years 38 weeks

I think it depends on your relationship with your parents too. My mom would of called me before he even asked though so it's a good thing he didn't ask permission.

loveyoulots 4 years 39 weeks

We talked about it very early on in the relationship and he said it was something he wanted to do and thought it was an important tradtion, now we've been engaged for 3 weeks and I found out after that he asked my mom for my hand and that both our mothers knew he was buying the ring months ago. I love my dad but it really doesn't matter tht he didn't ask him to me even though some may think it's tradional to ask the dad. It did mean the WORLD to me that he asked my mom cuz I felt so special and she was bursting to talk about how he asked her after we got engaged. Even if he hadn't asked her I wasn't syaing no but it added that extra special touch. I do find every1 saying, "oh he's so chivalrous", and "that's soo sweet mine did't" so I am pretty happy he was into that : )

ilanac13 4 years 39 weeks

i think that it depends on the type of relationship that you have with the parents. my fiance and my mom are very very close - we go to my mom's house a lot and she even gave him her engagement ring to sell to get mine - so in that case he didn't really have to ask cause he had her permission. my brother tried to be the mean one and say something to my man - about how he should have asked for permission - but i think that since my mom pretty much gave her blessing in the form of a diamond - then it was clear that it's ok the way that we did it. my dad isn't really an active part of my life - so to me it was pointless to go down that route. we told him once we got engaged - but that's all

xoxoxx 4 years 39 weeks

That's the thing - I didn't mean for it to sound as if I was attacking or demeaning anyone OR their opinions. I guess this is just another case of tone being misinterpreted. Don't worry about me anymore ladies; you will not see me posting here on the site for a while.

xoxoxx 4 years 39 weeks

javsmav 4 years 39 weeks

sarahPuffy, Lawchick wasn't concerned with your opinion about the topic, she was pointing out that there is no need for personal attacks. We can openly voice our opinions here about the TOPIC, but keep the personal attacks to yourself. Just because we don't agree with you, doesn't mean we are loopy.

xoxoxx 4 years 39 weeks

Well lawchick, if you feel that I shouldn't be concerned with your thoughts of a blessing being considered sexist, you shouldn't be concerned with my own opinions! Of course, I am very sorry that you were offended, and I didn't mean to offend anyone; but in the end, this is a place where women can openly voice their opinions. If you don't like what I have to say, then sorry! :( And lildorothyparker, I actually don't want to walk down the aisle with my father, but my little brother [I figure it would be a good way to get him involved, since he's adopted]. I'm not into the idea of garters or bridal showers, either. Just too much fuss for me!

xoxoxx 4 years 39 weeks

Well lawchick, if you feel that I shouldn't be concerned with your thoughts of a blessing being considered sexist, you shouldn't be concerned with my own opinions! Of course, I am very sorry that you were offended, and I didn't mean to offend anyone; but in the end, this is a place where women can openly voice their opinions. If you don't like what I have to say, then sorry! :(And lildorothyparker, I actually don't want to walk down the aisle with my father, but my little brother [I figure it would be a good way to get him involved, since he's adopted]. I'm not into the idea of garters or bridal showers, either. Just too much fuss for me!

lildorothyparker 4 years 40 weeks

aylee, you asked if those of us who are opposed to this tradition are opposed to walking down the isle with our fathers. Yes, I am. I also won't be wearing a garter or a veil, or participating in a bridal shower, to name a few silly traditions.I won't necessarily kibosh the white dress idea because that is not technically a symbol of purity, but a fashion statement made by Queen Victoria in the 1800s.

lildorothyparker 4 years 40 weeks

aylee, you asked if those of us who are opposed to this tradition are opposed to walking down the isle with our fathers. Yes, I am. I also won't be wearing a garter or a veil, or participating in a bridal shower, to name a few silly traditions. I won't necessarily kibosh the white dress idea because that is not technically a symbol of purity, but a fashion statement made by Queen Victoria in the 1800s.

lawchick 4 years 40 weeks

sarahPUFFY, it is extremely offensive for you to call those of us who don't agree with this tradition for ourselves "loopy"! I don't care if you like this tradition for yourself, and you shouldn't care if I feel to the contrary.

kaitlynhanna 4 years 40 weeks

I don't know about getting my parents permission, but my parents would definitely appreciate a "heads-up" sort of deal. I can make my own decisions about whether or not I am ready to get married, but my family and I are close, and I want them to be part of something important like that.

BrunetteSugar 4 years 40 weeks

i am newly engaged and when i found out that my fiancee went to my dad to ask his permission, i was SO happy. that was really important to me but i never told him to or asked him to. he did it on his own! my fiancee and my dad are really good friends so it wasn't hard or uncomfortable for him. i come from a very, very close knit family so i think he knew how happy that would make me. he told me he just thought it was the right thing to do.... thats why i love him!

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