When Should You Break Up?

"Perfect Boyfriend . . . Except For Three Major Problems"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I am 38 and dating an amazing man of 35. We've been together for about five months and despite his attempts to "take it slow" he is basically living with me. He still has his other place but is here every night except maybe once a month. We get along great, have a lot of laughs, and really seem to understand each other. Personally I'm madly in love in a way I've never experienced.

We have both been divorced for about 2-3 years and he admits to being incredibly hurt by his last girlfriend, who dumped him and got married to her ex (yep, that would hurt!). When we met, I was just out of a relationship that should have ended months prior and neither of us were really looking for anything serious, but I feel I was more ready than him. He just took me by surprise and swept me off my feet, and while he kept maintaining that we were taking it slow, it didn't go that way — within a couple months he was calling me his girlfriend by accident and like I said, staying with me all the time. Here's the problem:

Keep reading to find out this reader's three major problems in her relationship.

  1. If he's here all the time, why won't he just move in? I understand he has fears that it won't work out and he doesn't want to feel that kind of pressure, but for one, what is he so scared of, and for two, if he is that worried then he should probably go home more often. Why doesn't he? We have discussed this and it always ends up upsetting us both, so nothing ever changes — I just keep thinking I'll give it some time and that I should respect his pace. But I have a 9-year-old who is with me half time and becoming very attached as much as my bf has tried not to let that happen, and it isn't fair to my roommate who pays me rent that he is always here without paying.
  2. He will not admit that he loves me, and I'm pretty damn sure he does. Despite seeing that this upsets me and me admitting that I'm madly in love and hurt that he won't admit it, nothing really changes. However, last night, during a fun game and a lot of laughs, he said "I love you, baby" but in a funny way like when you admire a friend, and after a few drinks.
  3. He has become absolutely uninterested in sex! I've just been through two terrible months of starting the pill, trying to adjust to it, constantly bleeding, and then finally getting off it and getting an IUD. For one, I didn't go through all that so that we could NOT have sex, and for two, I'M IN MY PRIME! And I want him like crazy! I try touching, being sexy, dropping hints, etc. etc., but he pushes me away or tells me we can do it if I do all the work. (Fail.) He is very affectionate otherwise — hugging, cuddling, ass-smacking, etc. But he says he is always tired and sore from work, and that he just doesn't have a drive. Before I started the pill, he had trouble keeping it up with a condom, so I went through all that adjustment and now he just isn't interested at all.

Wow, when I write it all out, it seems like we have some major problems. I keep telling myself that he is right to try to maintain a slower pace, but on the other hand, it seems like we are past all that. He is very respectful of me in that he calls and texts all the time when we are apart, he listens to me when I need to talk or vent, he helps me with things around the house, he cooks for me, he is very thoughtful. I just don't get what is going on with this other stuff. We've both agreed that we both need to go to therapy (separately) for various issues, and we have both struggled with depression, but he doesn't seem depressed. He likes to go out and have fun, he is motivated and works hard, and he laughs a LOT. So what gives? I am crazy about him and I'm willing to accept his timeline, but he doesn't know what it is, so how should I? How do I know if I can really trust him or if he will ever really be ready to move forward together?  What if he is just with me because it's comfortable and easy and convenient and I spoil him?  I really think we have something special, and I am generally a very level-headed person, but . . . am I kidding myself?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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