What Is Sex Like?

Never Had Sex . . . What Should I Expect?

February 12, 2010

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

I'm in my early 20s and I'm still a virgin. I didn't plan to still be a virgin by this point in my life . . . it just sort of worked out that way. So right now I'm dating this really cute guy and he's giving all these signs that he's ready to take the next step.

I know I should tell him about being a virgin and all that, but I don't want him to be disgusted or condescending when he finds out. I know I'll bleed during my first time and there's nothing that can be done about that, but I'd rather him find out AFTER (during?) the fact. What I really need help with is preparing myself in anyway possible. What should I expect? I've read romance books my whole life, so how much of that is true? What was it like your first time? I am so nervous just thinking about it. Please don't lecture me about not telling him or waiting longer for someone "special." I won't change my mind, I'd just really appreciate knowing what I'm doing. Thanks.

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37 Comments

3 years

I was a virgin till I was 22, so first of all, I have to tell you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin. Second, not all first times hurt and nor will you necessarily bleed. I also thought that you'll be in pain and bleeding for your first time, and I was pleasantly surprised that neither happened. I would recommend you and your boyfriend, in the weeks leading up to the event to explore each other's bodies and not to "plan" on a date to lose your virginity, just do what feels right and let it come to you.

Anne26 3 years

WAIT!!!!! It's best too. Really.

danakscully64 3 years

I was relaxed my first time, so I had no bleeding and it only hurt during penetration. If you think it's going to hurt, your body will tense up and it definitely will (your pubococcygeus muscle will resist). If you don't completely trust your partner, you might be a little uneasy about it as well, that plays a role. You absolutely shouldn't go in with high expectations, but you DEFINITELY should not go in with low expectations. My first time wasn't bad and I absolutely don't regret it (still with the guy, 5 years now). Relax and don't be afraid to speak up.

3 years

I won't pretend to know your full situation, and am not trying to pass judgment. I was 23 when I lost my virginity to my current boyfriend. He asked pretty early on when we were dating for my "number," a conversation that I was dreading. I told him then, and it was awkward for a few minutes, but he was completely understanding about everything. He didn't pressure me at all and I really don't have any regrets. I don't think that things would have gone the same if I hadn't told him, though. First of all, it wasn't excruciating, but it did hurt my first time, even with him being really gentle and slow. At the risk of a TMI, I think it would have been kind of....bad if we'd done things in the same manner as we do now my first time, if that makes sense. Also, we had talked several times about STDs and he'd been tested, but we still used a condom to help with lubrication. Not to be blunt/rude/whatever, but knowing what you're doing probably isn't going to happen. Your first time doing anything you can't completely know what you're doing. That's why I'd stress the importance of telling the guy. I can't imagine that conversation being more weird than him finding out during/after you guys have sex. Just my opinion.

Arctic Cat 3 years

The secret to a good sex life is communication and relaxed inhibitions! The first time won't be the best sex of your life but it can be enjoyable. But wake up - you need to be able to communicate with your partner in order to relax and pleasure each other. Don't be afraid to be open and also ask him when is he going to be ready to have sex. You can talk about stuff and still be spontaneous you know, it will just be more PLEASURABLE spontaneity when you both know what each wants and feels because then you can be relaxed and you are on your way to romance novel sex! ;)

Lyv 3 years

Unless you're both like in love and you're really sure you trust him, don't tell him you're a virgin... As nice as he seems now, in the future he /could/ be a real ass about it... Do some more reading on the subject, ask some friends about it. You're NOT necessarily gonna bleed, and it will hurt a bit but it's nothing unbearable. Chances are, if you're not obvious about it, he won't think you're a virgin, just... unexperienced / shy. You could also watch some porn. They're not very realistic at all, but you might learn some moves and not be caught completely off guard by... stuff. They'll certainly be more educational than romance books.

Venus1 3 years

Tell him! Make sure he gives you plenty of foreplay with lots of oral first (if he won't do this you are with the wrong man!) and that way you should be comfortable. With a gentle approach from him it should be fine. Enjoy and don't forget the condom!

3 years

DEFINITELY tell the guy beforehand! Perhaps when you're making out on the couch, before you're already naked. My first time was when I was 23. I didn't bleed. It hurt. He only thrusted a few times, saw I was in pain (as I told him I was a virgin beforehand) and he stopped. We tried again a few more times in the following days before he went all the way and "finished." I did not orgasm at all, but it got more enjoyable as time went on.

LostCareerGal 3 years

I'm a virgin in my 20s and I always wonder about telling a guy if I'm a virgin my first time cuz, like someone said, I don't want him to think I'm some freak. There's so much pressure, even for girls, to have had sex by a certain age, that you start to feel like a weirdo if you haven't by your 20s. Even recently a guy friend of my sister mentioned that his friend was dating a 23 year old girl who was a virgin. He kinda laughed about it and said she was probably lying. No one wants guys laughing behind their back about something so personal. So I think her concerns are valid. But I do think everyone's given some great advice that I appreciate also. I hadn't thought about it being easier with lots of foreplay, but that makes sense. I've also considered talking to my obgyn about it beforehand to see if she has advice for what would make it easier (esp. since she's the only gyno I've been to who gives painless pap smears-she clearly knows what she's doin'), so that might be something to consider for the OP. They're kinda experts in that area, so I'm sure they have tips, and can tell you if your hymen is in tact and can hook you up w/ birth control.

LostCareerGal 3 years

Janine22 3 years

It will not hurt you at all as long as you are sexually aroused beforehand. These women telling you that it will did not have enough foreplay and their bodies were not physically ready. It will not hurt you, just have extended foreplay with him arousing you, like going down on you and rubbing your clit a lot. If you can, get him to make you orgasm before you have intercourse because it will be more pleasurable. I would also suggest that you tell him that it is your first time. This way he will be more understanding, sweet and gentle. Make sure that he uses a condom with a lot of lubrication. Also, you should really have the STI talk before you have sex with him anyway. You can still get STI's such as herpes and HPV even IF you use a condom, so it is important to discuss beforehand when he was last tested and if he has any STI's. Be safe and have fun. :)

outsung 3 years

I just recently lost my virginity at 19 so I can identify with you. I was kind of spontaneous about it and when he asked if he should get out a condom I said something along the lines of "yes but I'm a virgin" so he was surprised but completely ok with it (trust me: NO guy is going to turn around and leave the room because you say you're a virgin) it was slightly uncomfortable but it didn't hurt and I didn't bleed so the sex itself was a-ok... the guy ended up being an asshole but whatever...

3 years

I was also in my twenties when I lost my virginity. The first couple of times it did hurt, and I did bleed. I also wrestled with the decision to tell the guy I was with about my vcard, since I was a little worried that he'd think I was a weirdo. But I'm really glad I told him. He was very considerate and kind, and kept asking if I was okay. He was also flattered as hell that I chose him, and very turned on when I told him that I wanted to make up for lost time with lots of sex. I'm not saying that you should tell him, I just wanted to let you know my experience. Regardless, protect yourself and use a condom. Enjoy the moment and have fun!

Advah 3 years

You'd be surprised but a lot of what you think you know about sex before actually having sex is just stereotypes. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but bleeding comes from breaking the hymen - if you're in your 20s chances your hymen isn't there anymore since it generally 'breaks' in your teens (cycling, horse riding, dancing, etc.). Spotting can also happen to women who haven't had sex in a while simply because, well, you're trying to fit something somewhere, and both the 'thing' and the 'where' vary in sizes and skin is sensitive down there. A poster said she bled, none of my gfs did - it's different for each person. If you're uncomfortable telling him you're a virgin you can just say it's been a while and he needs to be gentle - if he's had sex before and isn't a moron, he'll know that even a few months without sex can make things painful for some women. But mainly - have fun. As some posters said in a different thread, sex isn't always pretty; you've got sweat and fluids and sometimes awkward moments at first but if you're both enjoying it it's really nice and a lot of fun. Also, not having an orgasm on your first (or 2nd or 3rd) time doesn't mean you won't enjoy it - intimacy with someone you like is great!

Advah 3 years

You'd be surprised but a lot of what you think you know about sex before actually having sex is just stereotypes. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but bleeding comes from breaking the hymen - if you're in your 20s chances your hymen isn't there anymore since it generally 'breaks' in your teens (cycling, horse riding, dancing, etc.). Spotting can also happen to women who haven't had sex in a while simply because, well, you're trying to fit something somewhere, and both the 'thing' and the 'where' vary in sizes and skin is sensitive down there. A poster said she bled, none of my gfs did - it's different for each person.If you're uncomfortable telling him you're a virgin you can just say it's been a while and he needs to be gentle - if he's had sex before and isn't a moron, he'll know that even a few months without sex can make things painful for some women.But mainly - have fun. As some posters said in a different thread, sex isn't always pretty; you've got sweat and fluids and sometimes awkward moments at first but if you're both enjoying it it's really nice and a lot of fun. Also, not having an orgasm on your first (or 2nd or 3rd) time doesn't mean you won't enjoy it - intimacy with someone you like is great!

Bettye Wayne 3 years

In your defense, I understand why you haven't told him that you're a virgin. I don't start talking about my sex life until the sixth to tenth date (I like to get to know a guy WELL before I sleep with him). What would freak him out is, on the first date, you said, "I want you to know, before you dating me, that I am a virgin, and if you play this right, I may consider letting you pop my cherry." Bring this up to him beforehand. Tell him something like, "I've never had sex before. I don't expect you to marry me, but I trust you and I'm ready for this." If you say something like, "I'm a virgin and I want it to be you," you might freak him out. I'm operating under the assumption, of course, that you aren't trying to trick this guy into loving you forever by sleeping with him. skigurl "he might wonder why you a) don't know what you're doing and b) not enjoying it" Good point SKG "For me, it didn't really hurt but it was uncomfortable and weird. I got used to it, and now I quite like the penis." It was just like that for me, too. juicebox "I don't this guy, but if I were him, I would be disappointed that you didn't tell me beforehand." Every woman is different. Don't listen to the comments saying you will hate it and regret it. You're already apprehensive enough. You've thought this over, and even if you don't enjoy it the first time, you'll learn to enjoy it. Also, it 100% will not be like those cheesy romance novels you've been reading. Also, safe sex is always the best kind of sex.

Bettye Wayne 3 years

In your defense, I understand why you haven't told him that you're a virgin. I don't start talking about my sex life until the sixth to tenth date (I like to get to know a guy WELL before I sleep with him). What would freak him out is, on the first date, you said, "I want you to know, before you dating me, that I am a virgin, and if you play this right, I may consider letting you pop my cherry."Bring this up to him beforehand. Tell him something like, "I've never had sex before. I don't expect you to marry me, but I trust you and I'm ready for this." If you say something like, "I'm a virgin and I want it to be you," you might freak him out. I'm operating under the assumption, of course, that you aren't trying to trick this guy into loving you forever by sleeping with him.skigurl "he might wonder why you a) don't know what you're doing and b) not enjoying it" Good pointSKG "For me, it didn't really hurt but it was uncomfortable and weird. I got used to it, and now I quite like the penis." It was just like that for me, too.juicebox "I don't this guy, but if I were him, I would be disappointed that you didn't tell me beforehand."Every woman is different. Don't listen to the comments saying you will hate it and regret it. You're already apprehensive enough. You've thought this over, and even if you don't enjoy it the first time, you'll learn to enjoy it. Also, it 100% will not be like those cheesy romance novels you've been reading. Also, safe sex is always the best kind of sex.

amandachalynn 3 years

Don't feel embarrassed by telling him. Tell him during the pre-sex make out session. You can just say something like 'This is my first time, so do you mind if we go a little slow?' That way he'll be really gentle and he'll want to work hard to please you. He'll probably love that you're a virgin, most guys do. If you get good foreplay your shouldn't bleed, and it may not hurt. My first time was wonderful! We were kissing on the couch when I told him, and he was so sweet he even carried me up the stairs! It's not like romance novels, though. You won't be blown away or suddenly have your eyes opened. I remember thinking 'that's it?' because I expected it to be more. Just make sure he wears a condom. It doesn't matter how much you love or trust him. If he refuses, theres something wrong and you need to get out of there! Many men don't show symptoms of STDs so he may not know he has one. Good luck! Oh, and just a tip I gave to my sister when she asked this same thing-if he wants to give you oral sex, LET HIM. A lot of men love it, and he wouldn't make the move if he didn't want to. Not to be crude, but if you say no to that you're missing out!

weffie 3 years

Don't expect it to hurt, that's terrible advice. Anticipating pain will make you tense up and pretty much guarantee an uncomfortable experience. If you're into it, relaxed, and adequately lubricated, there doesn't have to be anything painful about sex the first time or the thousandth time (provided he's not hung like a porn star, that can take a little getting used to). Just try to enjoy yourself, maintain a sense of humour, and definitely be safe!! Good luck & have fun :)

weffie 3 years

Don't expect it to hurt, that's terrible advice. Anticipating pain will make you tense up and pretty much guarantee an uncomfortable experience. If you're into it, relaxed, and adequately lubricated, there doesn't have to be anything painful about sex the first time or the thousandth time (provided he's not hung like a porn star, that can take a little getting used to).Just try to enjoy yourself, maintain a sense of humour, and definitely be safe!! Good luck & have fun :)

juicebox07 3 years

Whether you want to or not, telling him is the best option. I know everybody is different, but I'm going by how it was my first time. Not only did I bleed (I wasn't gushing blood or anything, but it was still there), but I also made these weird "hissing" sounds because of the pain. You can't expect your first time to be very pleasurable. Plus, if it does hurt (which it most likely will to a degree), you're going to want him to go slow and not full speed. I don't this guy, but if I were him, I would be disappointed that you didn't tell me beforehand.

Cris1192 3 years

you should tell him, most guys think it's a turn on

Deidre 3 years

What you can expect -- it hurts less and will be more fun if you engage in a lot of foreplay before hand. Don't rush to get it over with. Use hands, mouths, whatever before you get right down to the actual deed. Sex -- like most things -- is better the more you practice at it. It is your life and you can proceed however you want to with telling him about your virginity or not beforehand. But PLEASE make sure he wears a condom, even if you're on the pill. You haven't had sex before, but I'm assuming he has, and you definitely don't want to catch anything. You can just simply ask if he has protection; it's really not an embarrassing question.

Deidre 3 years

skigurl 3 years

he won't be able to tell from blood alone becuase lots of people bleed anyway (if they haven't done it in awhile or they are at a certain point in their cycle where they're spotting or something) but he might wonder why you a) don't know what you're doing and b) not enjoying it (it will be hard to enjoy it the first time, to be honest)... i also am not heere to preach for you not to do it (i'm far from being the authority on that) but if you can't tell him, then maybe you don't know him well enough or are not comfortable enough with him to do it in the first place...trust me, if you don't have full trust in him and are fully comfortable, you will feel badly abouty ourself after

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