True Confession — I'm Afraid of Being Alone

December 17, 2008

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"I'm 33 with three young children and I hate my husband. I stay with him because I don't want to be alone forever. Who would ever marry someone with three kids? Can I be forgiven for living a lie?"

Source

40 Comments

3 years

I am the mother of 4 children who lived for a long time in a loveless marriage. I finally found the strength to divorce him and while going through the divorce, I met my old highschool sweetheart. We are engaged but I am having doubts about starting a life with him. I do love him. I am afraid of being "stuck" with a man if things don't work out and I am also afraid of being alone. He loves me. If I break things off to figure out how I really feel. I wonder if another man could ever love me.

calli gurl 4 years

u hate ure husband? there obviously would be a reason. but, my advice is, if u are unhappy with him, tell him. communication is very important in a relationship. talk about it, try to make it work. if it doesnt work leave him. if u are sure that u cant be with him, then dont. ofcourse, there will be someone, lots who would accept u. take action. first, communicate. if it doesnt work, leave him, and see where life takes u. u might just find something that uve always wanted.

very_berry 4 years

Puddlesworth: that's kind of harsh, considering no one knows the full details of the situation here. I know two married women who have tried to make things work and when one party is unwilling to put in the effort, it has left them feeling hopeless, because its not as if the decision to separate (whether or not there are children involved) comes easily to anyone. One of them did marry for fear of being alone, yes. The other one though, was in love and her husband just changed after they married, he became a completely different person, verbally abusive and making her feel small a lot of the time. He was no longer the person she married.For both of them, being of a culture that has a very low divorce rate (one in which it is not considered acceptable AT ALL), I can see how the decision to separate would have a few more sides to it for some women than what we're used to in the west. Not only do they face social stigmas of actually getting the divorce from elders in their community, but men in thier culture arent usually raised to be open to the idea of marrying a woman with kids either, even if they can accept the divorce factor. For the women I spoke about above, the decision to stay in her marriage (for one of them) was partially because she was afraid to leave and partially because realistically, for women of her culture, you are not likely to find someone who is willing to marry you if you have children from a previous marriage. It hurts me everyday to see her unhappy but I cannot begin to understand her situation, because to me it would come down to a question of happy or not, and then fixable or not, and go from there. For her its not that easy.To the woman who posted the question, I do wish you the best of luck. If you havent tried counseling, you should, because its worth trying to fix something this important. If it doesnt work out, then know that most kids would rather have happy but separated parents that are civil to one another than have to constantly witness fights and feel their parents resentment and hate towards one another.

very_berry 4 years

Puddlesworth: that's kind of harsh, considering no one knows the full details of the situation here. I know two married women who have tried to make things work and when one party is unwilling to put in the effort, it has left them feeling hopeless, because its not as if the decision to separate (whether or not there are children involved) comes easily to anyone. One of them did marry for fear of being alone, yes. The other one though, was in love and her husband just changed after they married, he became a completely different person, verbally abusive and making her feel small a lot of the time. He was no longer the person she married. For both of them, being of a culture that has a very low divorce rate (one in which it is not considered acceptable AT ALL), I can see how the decision to separate would have a few more sides to it for some women than what we're used to in the west. Not only do they face social stigmas of actually getting the divorce from elders in their community, but men in thier culture arent usually raised to be open to the idea of marrying a woman with kids either, even if they can accept the divorce factor. For the women I spoke about above, the decision to stay in her marriage (for one of them) was partially because she was afraid to leave and partially because realistically, for women of her culture, you are not likely to find someone who is willing to marry you if you have children from a previous marriage. It hurts me everyday to see her unhappy but I cannot begin to understand her situation, because to me it would come down to a question of happy or not, and then fixable or not, and go from there. For her its not that easy. To the woman who posted the question, I do wish you the best of luck. If you havent tried counseling, you should, because its worth trying to fix something this important. If it doesnt work out, then know that most kids would rather have happy but separated parents that are civil to one another than have to constantly witness fights and feel their parents resentment and hate towards one another.

nancyluvs_greece 4 years

I say forgive. My mum has gone through the same thing. Even though she was unhappy she was staying with my dad for me and my brother. It's hard being in this situation but you just have to take a stand and make a decision. It's worse staying with him and being miserable and fooling yourself. Don't be afraid of being alone, it can be an empowering thing, plus there are a lot of great guys out there that wouldnt mind being with u even if you have three kids.I hope everything goes well.

nancyluvs_greece 4 years

CorinneRunsTings 4 years

Not forgive. You need to realize you have to go thru something by yourself, but your never alone. Whats so wrong with being single anyways. I am, with one child too. We do what we want. I dont see any issue in that.

Muirnea 4 years

Forgive, b/c no matter what you do, it's a hard choice to make. I do think you should try to fix whatever is going wrong with your marriage. Like others have said, see a counselor and try and fix the problem. But if that doesn't work after you have truly tried, then you should leave. Karlotta's advice was good, after you have tried to fix things. Trust me, it is scary to have to be alone after being together with someone for a long time...but once you try it out and get over your fear, it's worth it. You will remember who you are, and remember why you want to try to get out there and live life and be happy!!! You'll want to live again!!! Don't miss out on those feelings, it's important for you to be happy too. And the kids will pick up on how you feel. Do what's best for all of you, make everyone happy.

sahayra 4 years

You should be more concerned about your happiness and not being alone. Even if you're not "with someone" you're not alone.

barneyk 4 years

I have to forgive because NO ONE knows what it takes to be in a marriage and what happens inside that marriage, behind closed doors, is a different subject. It seems unfair to be so judgmental when I too have momentary thoughts of hate towards my husband!?!

barneyk 4 years

I have to forgive because NO ONE knows what it takes to be in a marriage and what happens inside that marriage, behind closed doors, is a different subject.It seems unfair to be so judgmental when I too have momentary thoughts of hate towards my husband!?!

mack2600 4 years

*** oh and by the post above i meant by "abeautifulmind"

mack2600 4 years

i agree with the post above, and i wouldn't approach divorce with an attitude that you're wrecking your home. your children may very well hate it if you separate, but i knew that my parents weren't in love and them getting divorced when i was young was literally one of the best things that's ever happened to me. maybe i was a special case but i can't even fathom them together now, they made a big mistake and i'm very grateful they fixed it.

puddlesworth 4 years

that's pathetic. I feel sorry for you. more sorry for your husband though.

abeautifulmind 4 years

I knew a woman much like that at a former job of mine... thing is, like you, she was living a lie. She hated her husband, had nothing in common with him, and she had two children with him. She only stayed with him to, "have a family for her kids". That's not good. You should be happy for YOU... you were born to be happy, and to make your KIDS happy. Thing is, if YOU AREN'T happy, then your kids will sense that. They want you to be happy, even if that meant you had to divorce/seperate from your husband. Initially of course it will/would be heartbreaking for your children, but kids are resilient, and they will 'get over' your break up, and eventually congratulate you for having the COURAGE and RESOLVE to leave the jerk (their dad)... I'm sure you have good reasons to dislike him, and I'm sure your kids KNOW and perhaps FEEL the same way. It's really more unfortunate for the children, as they come first. I wish you luck in 'being true to yourself' Mrs. 33 yrs old... May your future be a better one, as good as you imagine it to be... and for your children as well. May you find true love someday. Take care.

Jude C 4 years

Forgive--your feelings are understandable--but you shouldn't be married if you feel that way and are unable or unwilling (through therapy or whatever) to change it. If you really can't or won't try to change those feelings, then it will be better for you, your husband, and your children if you don't stay and becoming a toxic element of your family that hurts everyone involved.

bastylefilegirl 4 years

Not Forgive, and this is not because your lying to your husband, but because you are hurting your children. Regardless of what some parents think kids aren't dumb, in fact they are very intuitive and probably are all too aware that something "isn't right". So if you want to teach your children that being unhappy with there lives is okay, and that they shouldn't do anything about it then you keep doing what your doing. But if you want to have healthy happy children, and you want to be healthy and happy get counseling and work on your marriage, or get a divorce. I have a friend with 3 kids and she has no problem dating, and I'm almost positive she will be married one day!

Smilesp 4 years

I feel like I need more information before I can vote. Why do you hate your husband? Does he treat you badly or have you just grown apart or something?You shouldn't stay in a relationship you're unhappy in though. You and your husband both deserve to be happy. You children also deserve to have parents that are happy, whether they are together or divorced. I think that being in an unhappy relationship is much worse than being alone and who knows, maybe your husband hates you too.

Smilesp 4 years

I feel like I need more information before I can vote. Why do you hate your husband? Does he treat you badly or have you just grown apart or something? You shouldn't stay in a relationship you're unhappy in though. You and your husband both deserve to be happy. You children also deserve to have parents that are happy, whether they are together or divorced. I think that being in an unhappy relationship is much worse than being alone and who knows, maybe your husband hates you too.

Mamis03 4 years

Not forgive. I really think you should do something about your situation. Staying in a relationship for fear of being alone is not fair for you, your children, or your husband. If you married him, you loved him once. Have enough respect for him and yourself to let it go. Being alone is better than living a lie. It's difficult to let go of a life you are accustom to but in the long run you will realize you deserve to be happy, and so does your husband.

Benzie 4 years

I think you should be forgiven but also not forgiven at the same time.I think this because it's wrong of you to not want to be with your husband for that long and have his kids especially when their that young.If your going to leave him do it now, because honestly your already late as it is.So, and be kind to your children and talk them through, and even take them if you'd like it.

Benzie 4 years

I think you should be forgiven but also not forgiven at the same time. I think this because it's wrong of you to not want to be with your husband for that long and have his kids especially when their that young. If your going to leave him do it now, because honestly your already late as it is. So, and be kind to your children and talk them through, and even take them if you'd like it.

bluesteyes 4 years

I think some people in here have said it, get help and get better asap. And if you're truly out of love, please separate, don't let your children witness a loveless marriage for too long, they too notice things. Be brave honey, go and stay with your mum or your sis for a month and figure it out.