True Confession — I Keep Their Secrets

October 8, 2008

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"I have some pretty strange friendships with the married men in my circle of friends. They tell me all about their affairs but I don't say anything to their wives. Am I as much at fault here?"

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28 Comments

calli gurl 4 years 21 weeks

well it depends on whom ure closer friends with. sounds like ure closer with the guys. but if u are close with the wives, then its wrong for u to keep them in the dark. because when they finally find out that u knew all a long, it would make u a really bad person. but if the women arent that close with u, then u really shouldnt say anything. but like marni said, if its making u uncomfortable, u should ask them to stop telling u all this stuff because u dont support it. but it all really depends on whom ure closer friends with.

lexichloe 4 years 31 weeks

My wonder is...Why do they divulge these secrets to YOU? Do you have some undercover relationship w/ them that you keep secret as well? If you're that close w/ the husbands, why aren't you that close w/ their wives?

looseseal 4 years 31 weeks

You're lowering yourself to the same level as them if you agree with their behavior and/or encourage it in some way.If this is an ongoing thing people continue to do... they probably think you agree with them, whether you do or not.And be aware that, if this is ongoing, there's a chance this would turn into an emotional affair. It's also possible they're trying to pick you up to be their other-other woman.It's perfectly understandable if you don't want to get involved. But don't continue to be a confessional for these people and then be all like "Ooh, but I never wanted to get involved!" That's pretty questionable.

looseseal 4 years 31 weeks

You're lowering yourself to the same level as them if you agree with their behavior and/or encourage it in some way. If this is an ongoing thing people continue to do... they probably think you agree with them, whether you do or not. And be aware that, if this is ongoing, there's a chance this would turn into an emotional affair. It's also possible they're trying to pick you up to be their other-other woman. It's perfectly understandable if you don't want to get involved. But don't continue to be a confessional for these people and then be all like "Ooh, but I never wanted to get involved!" That's pretty questionable.

snowysakurasky 4 years 32 weeks

its not your fault~ forgive

snowysakurasky 4 years 32 weeks

its not your fault~ forgive

totygoliguez 4 years 32 weeks

I don't think is your place to tell, is their business, not yours what I do is that I tell my friend don't tell me secrets, that way I don't feel bad about the things I know and I can't tell.

corcar86 4 years 32 weeks

I tend to gravitate towards the men in the group more then the women however i agree with others who mentioned it kinda matters who you consider yourself closer to (or who you were friends with first). I guess it also is different if you are married but I have had lots of friends who have girlfriends I barely know and while I let them know I do not approve of their cheating there is no way I would tell their girl that it happened. So I may have been hasty to say not forgive because the truth is it is just a really crappy situation for you to be the confidant in that respect. You are not the bad guy though and it shouldn't fall back on you to be responsible for breaking the news. If it makes you uncomfortable for them to tell you these things then just kindly tell them so, if you like being included in their confidences then I say who is to blame you! Though also consider how you would feel in the reverse, if you feel it is a situation where you must tell the girl for any reason don't feel guilty for doing that either

otaku 4 years 32 weeks

it's not about forgiving or not. it's about the fact that the OP needs to work out WHY she knows all these things. it sounds like she wold talk to these men to make herself feel good and special like she has one up on every woman around her. eh, anyway... not forgive, by the way. i think it's selfish and childish. if one of my "friends" was like that with my husband, i'd not have her as a friend anymore.

otaku 4 years 32 weeks

it's not about forgiving or not. it's about the fact that the OP needs to work out WHY she knows all these things. it sounds like she wold talk to these men to make herself feel good and special like she has one up on every woman around her. eh, anyway...not forgive, by the way. i think it's selfish and childish. if one of my "friends" was like that with my husband, i'd not have her as a friend anymore.

k8 rckstr 4 years 32 weeks

Forgive because I don't think you're necessarily at fault for this... however you must feel incredibly guilty at times holding this all inside... I wouldn't want to be in your position thats for sure

sugarbritches 4 years 32 weeks

I'm undecided because I would like to know if you're condoning these indiscretions when they are confessing them to you. I would think not or they wouldn't continue to confide in you. I can understand you wanting to steer clear of the drama of revealing a cheating spouse, but if they tell you about it, they need to hear that they are wrong for it. End the marriage if necessary, but don't cheat.

allourregrets 4 years 32 weeks

Im undecided on whether or not thats forgivable, but I would definatly tell them to stop talking to me about it. Rox-these guys obviously lost respect for the relationship when they first started cheating on their wives, so them confiding to her is small potatoes by comparison. Not saying I disagree with you, just wanted to point that out

allourregrets 4 years 32 weeks

talanted08 4 years 32 weeks

I couldn't see my self being part of a group and then all of a sudden someone told that I was the one keeping in some information. It's good to know but I would rather here it from the female than the male. Being in this situation only makes it worse on you than the couple b/c you could lose all your friendships just by lending a shoulder!

roxtarchic 4 years 32 weeks

sun-sun.... i agree w/you wholeheartedly... and all of my friends know my views... and they would NEVER admit to me something of this nature because they know i would rip them apart over it... i also think that there's nothing wrong w/having married men as friends, until they are confiding things to you that they wouldnt tell their wives... that crosses a line to me. it's disrespectful to the relationship and to the wife (even if you werent friends w/her first you should respect her as she married your friend). then again i'm married and would tear any woman to shreds that my husband was confiding in, after of course i rearranged his life w/my bare hands....

Sun_Sun 4 years 32 weeks

i have such a strong opinion about cheating and cheaters. in my opinion, its just one of the filthiest thing a person can do. and i think it says something about their character, not a good thing! i would have trouble befriending cheaters. if i was told about cheating..i would reprimand him and tell him i never wanna hear about it again. and i'd probably be too pissed at his dirtiness to hang out with him again. but thats just me.

leenie 4 years 32 weeks

You're not at fault, but why let them tell you about that stuff? I wouldn't want any part of it.

austerity 4 years 32 weeks

It's not your fault that they're talking to you, however, I do think it would be good of you to ask them to at least stop talking about their affairs, to save your conscience and peace of mind.

melizzle 4 years 32 weeks

Stay out of it and tell them to stop dishing. It puts you in an awkward spot.

sparklestar 4 years 32 weeks

It depends what involvement you have with their wives. Are these guys primarily your friends or are their wives? You should remind them that perhaps they are unhappy in their marriages and should stop acting like cheating scumbags?! What if they got one of these other women pregnant or caught an STD? Then their wives are going to be looking for meat to pull apart for answers! I am in the same position though. My ex boyfriend is cheating on some girl in America (he's in the UK) and she has no idea. I know but it makes me sick.

sparklestar 4 years 32 weeks

It depends what involvement you have with their wives. Are these guys primarily your friends or are their wives?You should remind them that perhaps they are unhappy in their marriages and should stop acting like cheating scumbags?! What if they got one of these other women pregnant or caught an STD? Then their wives are going to be looking for meat to pull apart for answers!I am in the same position though. My ex boyfriend is cheating on some girl in America (he's in the UK) and she has no idea. I know but it makes me sick.

Mesayme 4 years 32 weeks

I have a strict rule against having married male friends in the first place so no...I definitely wouldn't be their outlet to bask in the glory of dirty deeds. Who does that to other women? I'd feel guilty if they got an STD and I could have prevented it.

Fallen85 4 years 32 weeks

Forgive, at this point it isnt your place to deal with their relationship but at the same time, I would not allow them to be telling you all about this sh!t when you're friends with their wives.

cravinsugar 4 years 32 weeks

Undecided. While it sucks they are cheating and you know and dont' say anything, it really isn't your place to tell every person and break up every marriage that is around you...I would personally feel hurt if you didn't tell me my hubby was cheating though...

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