Sunday Confessional: She Wants a Baby, He Doesn't

March 7, 2010

This week's confessional comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to weigh in with your advice in the comments.

I'm ready to have a baby and my husband isn't. Sometimes I consider "forgetting" my pill, but I know it's wrong. When will he change his mind and how can I help him do that fast!!

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45 Comments

3 years

totaly agree with the above statement. my husband and I have been married for 5years we have had the baby talk many times he has different resposes for each year. but what is comes down to it that he's simply not ready. although he really wants kids just not yet. I have said to him that i will give him till i'm 30 before i leave him. I think this is more than compromise. as i wanted kids before we got married and he know it. he wanted them to he says he still does. I am not on the pill never have been we use condoms. I have just recently told my husband that I'm not going to buy anymore, as i was who brought them. I'm going to leave it up to him if he gets them he gets them if not .... I don't want to force my husband to have kids with me and I don't want to leave him because I love him I just feel that if he loved me too he'd want to give me the children I so desperately desire so I give him time.

3 years

Well, this is interesting. If there's one thing on which everyone here is agreed, it's that it would be wrong of this woman to stop taking her pill. So, in other words: it would be wrong of her NOT to chemically manipulate her body's reproductive cycles for the sake of allowing her husband to preserve his desired lifestyle. Sorry, but that's just backwards. There's something missing from this conversation. It is this: having children is a natural part of marriage. Marriage is the foundation of family life, and refusing to allow it to develop in a natural way is selfish and ultimately destructive to love. On this thread I've seen having children compared to buying a house or even (!) having an affair. These analogies are not at all appropriate. Buying a house may or may not be a good thing, depending on circumstances; having an affair is definitely wrong, and sure to do grave damage to your relationship. But having children is just a normal part of marriage, and has been for time immemorial. You've actually been *preventing* this from coming about by bending over backwards to muck around with your hormones, effectively forcing your reproductive system to malfunction. But you don't owe it to your husband to do that. Quite the contrary, he, by marrying you, owes it to you to cooperate in having and raising a family. And it's reasonable to be frustrated with him for not being willing to participate in this natural part of a healthy marriage. He's being selfish, and you both stand to lose one of life's most precious gifts because of it. I personally don't see how it could be "manipulative" to stop taking your pill, when you consider that all you're really doing is allowing your body to revert to its natural state. As for honesty, it would only be dishonest if you lied about it. But, that said, once you got pregnant, he would probably ask (weren't you taking your pill?) and then you'd either have to lie (which obviously would be dishonest) or tell the truth (which would probably make him quite upset.) Not a great way to start out as parents. So, you should be straight with him. and if you can portray the issue in a sufficiently positive light, and persuade him, that's great. Tell him that it's because you love him so much that you want to have his baby. Explain to him how much you want the three of you to be a family. Tell him he'd be a great dad. And, especially if you're getting on into your thirties, remind him that you really don't have forever to get started. The "perfect time" may never come, and you shouldn't let that quest for perfection rob you of something so important. But ultimately, you do need to make clear to him that you're not asking his indulgence for some hobby or pet project; by demanding that you remain barren for his convenience, he is doing you an injustice. If he won't come around, I think it would be quite reasonable for you to tell him that you're not going to take your pill anymore. Where things go from there is really out of your hands.

PrettyGurl101 3 years

whatever should happens should happens, if u dont get knocked up, then u should wait till UR ready and HE is readyGood luck

PrettyGurl101 3 years

whatever should happens should happens, if u dont get knocked up, then u should wait till UR ready and HE is ready Good luck

PinkNC 3 years

I don't know when he'll change his mind, no one does, but if you "forget to take the pill" like you've stated, then you will be resented for that once he finds out. It's like you're trapping you're own husband and he doesn't deserve to be treated like that just because you want something that he doesn't right now. Tricking him into having a baby may lead to divorce, or a long time marriage that he'll ONLY keep together so that the child will not be raised by one parent. And he'll ONLY stay married to you because he doesn't want to have baby mama drama with you after divorce. When you get mad you'll keep his "entrapment baby" from him playing tug of war. You're foul. If you want to change your husbands mind then find another way to go about it. Try doing the simple thing that makes every relationship work.....TALK TO HIM....try communication BEFORE entrapment.

PinkNC 3 years

I don't know when he'll change his mind, no one does, but if you "forget to take the pill" like you've stated, then you will be resented for that once he finds out. It's like you're trapping you're own husband and he doesn't deserve to be treated like that just because you want something that he doesn't right now. Tricking him into having a baby may lead to divorce, or a long time marriage that he'll ONLY keep together so that the child will not be raised by one parent. And he'll ONLY stay married to you because he doesn't want to have baby mama drama with you after divorce. When you get mad you'll keep his "entrapment baby" from him playing tug of war.You're foul. If you want to change your husbands mind then find another way to go about it. Try doing the simple thing that makes every relationship work.....TALK TO HIM....try communication BEFORE entrapment.

3 years

thats pretty dishonest, imagine it the other way around. but hey if you want a baby so much find another husband.

tlsgirl 3 years

"Tell him you think you're pregnant and see what his reaction is." Wait, wait, WHAT? I hope that was a joke.

Old School 3 years

Maybe you could do a trial run. Tell him you think you're pregnant and see what his reaction is. Or, you could contemplate why it is that you want a baby. Then talk to him about his reasons for not wanting one.

Old School 3 years

POPSUGAR Beauty 3 years

I think having a child with someone who doesn't want a child is a surefire way to create resentment. And I also think that if people tell you they don't want something, believe them. I have a friend whose spouse wants a baby, and my friend doesn't; their marriage has been stressful and miserable because each is trying to convince the other of something they don't want. Seems fair to say, "I want to start a family. What kind of time frame do you think is reasonable?" and go from there. If it's a good compromise, great. If he doesn't want a family at all, it may be time to decide whether the partner or a child is more important.

POPSUGAR Beauty 3 years

I think having a child with someone who doesn't want a child is a surefire way to create resentment. And I also think that if people tell you they don't want something, believe them. I have a friend whose spouse wants a baby, and my friend doesn't; their marriage has been stressful and miserable because each is trying to convince the other of something they don't want. Seems fair to say, "I want to start a family. What kind of time frame do you think is reasonable?" and go from there. If it's a good compromise, great. If he doesn't want a family at all, it may be time to decide whether the partner or a child is more important.

spacekatgal 3 years

I get maternal urges, and I would ask you not to attack me personally. It doesn't make your point any stronger. What if I were to make this statement? I'm ready to buy a house and my husband isn't. Sometimes I consider talking to mortgage and real estate people behind his back, but I know it's wrong. When will he change his mind and how can I help him do that fast!!" Would that seem rational to you or impulsive? It's clearly an impulse frame of mind.

spacekatgal 3 years

I get maternal urges, and I would ask you not to attack me personally. It doesn't make your point any stronger. What if I were to make this statement? I'm ready to buy a house and my husband isn't. Sometimes I consider talking to mortgage and real estate people behind his back, but I know it's wrong. When will he change his mind and how can I help him do that fast!!"Would that seem rational to you or impulsive? It's clearly an impulse frame of mind.

3 years

"I think some of you are reading the nicest possible interpretation into this." Spacekatgal, I think you are reading the worst possible interpretation into this. You make it well known that you are childless by choice which is fine. There are some women out there that have a very strong urge to have a baby. That in no way makes them irrational. Baby fever isn't an illness. It's a very natural urge to be a mother and have a family. You are judging her character on 3 sentences. She clearly stated she knows forgetting her pill is wrong. That alone shows she is not irrational. That baby fever hasn't taken away her ability to see right from wrong! You should really try looking at this from the point of view of a women that has maternal urges and not from your own closed minded point of view.

kiwitwist 3 years

I agree with most... I don't think you meant you wanted to miss a pill quite so literally, as everyone is taking it. Talk to your husband and find out if and when he will be ready...or find out the reasons why he isn't ready (money, etc)?? One thing I do disagree with is how a lot of ppl are saying "didn't you talk about this??"..people are entitled to change their mind, and it isn't always a good change.

kiwitwist 3 years

I agree with most... I don't think you meant you wanted to miss a pill quite so literally, as everyone is taking it. Talk to your husband and find out if and when he will be ready...or find out the reasons why he isn't ready (money, etc)??One thing I do disagree with is how a lot of ppl are saying "didn't you talk about this??"..people are entitled to change their mind, and it isn't always a good change.

spacekatgal 3 years

I think some of you are reading the nicest possible interpretation into this. "I'm ready to have a baby and my husband isn't. Sometimes I consider "forgetting" my pill, but I know it's wrong. When will he change his mind and how can I help him do that fast!!" This is someone with baby fever. She wants what she wants now, and she wants to manipulate him into getting her way. She's considering getting her way via a method that many people here agree is worse than an affair. When SKD and I were reading the comments yesterday, we were impressed by how level-headed most girls here were on this topic. Babies seem to bring out the fiercest emotions, and I think some girls will justify any bad behavior over the reproductive urge. This is not someone who is able to make a rational decision over having a child at this moment.

spacekatgal 3 years

I think some of you are reading the nicest possible interpretation into this. "I'm ready to have a baby and my husband isn't. Sometimes I consider "forgetting" my pill, but I know it's wrong. When will he change his mind and how can I help him do that fast!!"This is someone with baby fever. She wants what she wants now, and she wants to manipulate him into getting her way. She's considering getting her way via a method that many people here agree is worse than an affair. When SKD and I were reading the comments yesterday, we were impressed by how level-headed most girls here were on this topic. Babies seem to bring out the fiercest emotions, and I think some girls will justify any bad behavior over the reproductive urge. This is not someone who is able to make a rational decision over having a child at this moment.

KadBunny 3 years

Ok guys, all she said was that she wants one so much that she's thought about doing it (and I hope you leave it at that). She knows it's wrong. With that said-- Unless he's in his 20's or something, guys don't usually change their minds on this so be prepared for the worst. I agree, ask him why he doesn't want one. Maybe it's money matters, maybe it's just nerves--but if he just plain doesn't like kids there's usually nothing you can do about it. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, guy or not (but even with my boyfriend around, I still want to adopt), so maybe that's another thing to think about? I am sorry though, that's awful. I can't imagine what I'd do if the man I loved didn't want the same things I did. Good luck.

KadBunny 3 years

Ok guys, all she said was that she wants one so much that she's thought about doing it (and I hope you leave it at that). She knows it's wrong. With that said--Unless he's in his 20's or something, guys don't usually change their minds on this so be prepared for the worst. I agree, ask him why he doesn't want one. Maybe it's money matters, maybe it's just nerves--but if he just plain doesn't like kids there's usually nothing you can do about it.I always knew I wanted to be a mother, guy or not (but even with my boyfriend around, I still want to adopt), so maybe that's another thing to think about? I am sorry though, that's awful. I can't imagine what I'd do if the man I loved didn't want the same things I did. Good luck.

bchicgrl 3 years

well maybe he isn't ready just yet, he may want to be more financially secure before having kids. Ask him for the specific reason for his wanting to wait. If it turns out he never wanted kids well then that can be a huge problem (which should have been discussed pre-marriage) especially since you want kids. I would have never married by now husband if he didn't want children because it's just that darn important to me.

amandachalynn 3 years

I wanted to have another baby for the past 3 years. My hubby wasn't ready, and I respected that. I love and respect my husband enough to know that we need to make these decisions together. We kept my 6 month old niece for the weekend, and he couldn't put her down. A week later he suggested having another one. Just wait it out. He will come around, and your relationship will be better for it.

socalbeachgal 3 years

I think you need to talk to your husband about wanting a baby and why he doesn't want one now. It might be a short term concern. And one thing many commenters are forgetting, sometimes birth control fails, what then??? But don't forget your pill on purpose. When my husband and I were dating, he wasn't sure he wanted kids and we broke up for awhile since I knew that I wanted at least one. We got back together about 6 months later when he decided that kids did have a place in his life. We had a kid about 18 months after we got married.

Pistil 3 years

It sounds like he wants children eventually, just not now. If he just wants to enjoy a couple more years without kids, let him and have a little patience. If you wanted to have kids, say, in your mid twenties, but he doesn't want to start thinking about a family until his mid-thirties, then you just need to compromise on a timeline.

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