Sunday Confessional: I Hurt My Sister Out of Jealousy

March 23, 2008

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for just under three years now. It's been a difficult process to say the very least. The worst of it came about nine months ago when I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. I was so happy to be pregnant that the miscarriage was absolutely devastating. For weeks afterwards I was depressed and felt hopeless.

During this time, my sister, who is a couple of years younger than me, broke the news that she was pregnant. The father of the baby had basically told her that he wanted nothing to do with the baby. She told me in a very gentle and respectful way, and initially, I tried not to get upset, but when she started to tell me how she was scared about having a baby and being a mother, I completely lost it. I turned on her, called her horrible names, said she would make a bad mother, and basically went out of my way to hurt her. She left my house in tears.

Even though I knew I was being stubborn, I didn't make any efforts to apologize to her. Although it devastated my parents, I refused to speak to my sister or have anything to do with her unborn child. It took months of personal healing to realize that her pregnancy wasn't any kind of personal attack on me. I realized how selfish I had been and unkind. About a week ago, I tried to reach out to her and apologize — she's in her eighth month now — and she basically slammed the door in my face. Now, I don't know what to do. Should I be forgiven for my terrible behavior?

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74 Comments

jCheri 4 years 33 weeks

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jCheri 4 years 33 weeks

I have been there. No matter what, you were with child and it was yours and still is.
When your sis came to you I am suspicious that she was hoping that telling you she was pregnant and asking you for help, that it would help you through some of your pain. When she told you of her pregnancy, it was like you were losing your child all over again. You tried to hold it in but you SHOULD HAVE LET your tears flow and fell to the floor and grabbed the carpet and held on to your sis and told her how much you were hurting. Told her you were in need of her help as she was hoping to do for you in asking you for your help. I am sure you would have told her you would help her too after you calmed down and talked.
You still ARE hurting and won't be over it for a long time and really never will be but you will get better with it in time as you have. You made the first step in healing your pain and in the right direction in trying to make amends by showing up at your sis's door.
The reason you waited so long is because you took so long to CRY HARD ENOUGH to come to terms with your loss and what you did to her. You had to admit to yourself that it didn't make it go away or feel better. That your sis didn't mean anything like you were feeling.
It is time you begged her for the help you need which you do. Tell her how much you need her in your life and how you can't cope with your loss and the loss of her. That with her new baby she can make it better for you for you are happy for her having a baby you want so much. Tell her you understand what she is going through with the father and tell her you want to be there for her if she will only let you. I hope this is a little more help. A baby gift like a special blanket would be a nice peace offering too. :)

Sevy 4 years 45 weeks

I say forgive. It was a very emotional time for you and you were sensitive. Your emotions were basically on a rollercoaster and I can understand. You weren't really resentful of your sister or her child, just the situation and what happened to you. Of course, it'll take some time for you to rebuild a good relationship with your sister again. But in time, she'll come to realize that you didn't mean it and that you love her. Give her some time.

Janine22 4 years 49 weeks

I can definitely see both sides of this issue. It was just the wrong timing for your sis to tell you this, and you were very depressed and angry, and just took that anger out on her. But try for a moment to think about how she felt: alone, scared, worried about whether she could handle it. She wanted the one person in her life she thought she could count on to support her, and all you did was dump all over her, make her feel more scared and alone, and worried about whether she would be a good mom. I can see why she is so hurt by the way you acted. I think that it will take a long time for her to forgive you, you have to prove to her that you really deserve her forgiveness. I agree that the worst thing is that you have waited so long in order to try. If you had tried to contact her sooner, it may have been easier. Also-she really needs to know about the anguish and depression you were going through in order to have some understanding of why you reacted that way. She needs to know how much you love her, and how much you regret the way you acted. Good luck and expect it to take some time for her to forgive you.

ladyscorpio 4 years 51 weeks

I get sick and tired of people commenting on things when they have not been in either persons place to do so. I chose to go with the undecided choice only because, I've been through this type of thing somewhat before with MY MOTHER. Granted yes I apologized to her, but I apologized for the way I acted but not what I said. I said the things I did because thats how I felt and I feel NO ONE EVER should have to apologize for the way they feel. It is their RIGHT to feel that way and no one has the right to tell them different. I don't know if my mother forgave me or not and honestly I don't care if she does or doesn't, because like I said those are my feelings and I am allowed to have them. Because of what I have been through and that being one of the major parts of my life that really broke my heart, spirit and soul I know suffer from depression. It gets better but that pain will never go away. So now I try to do little with children as so I do not get to attached. With that being said the rest of my comment is below. Okay I have read what was written and read most of the comments. I'm not sure if anyone read it that well because it said... "The worst of it came about nine months ago when I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. I was so happy to be pregnant that the miscarriage was absolutely devastating. FOR WEEKS AFTERWARDS I WAS DEPRESSED AND FELT HOPELESS. DURING THIS TIME, my sister, who is a couple of years younger than me, broke the news that she was pregnant. Now the woman said "during this time" meaning she was still grieving and I'm positive she did not want to hear anything good especiallyh if it had to do with someone having a baby. Its just like when you tell someone they can have something then oh wait you can't we're going to take it away. To her it was like god was saying we don't want you to have a baby, but we will allow your sister too. We are giving the baby you wanted to your sister instead. So during the time she was still going through her own problems she wasn't about to be happy, there was just no way it was going to happen. Take it from me a person who has had multiple miscarriages and really wants to have a baby. For someone to tell you that they are pregnant then go into it about oh how they don't think they will be a good mother or whatever. I'm assuming her sister not really thinking at all must've thought oh if I tell my sister I'm pregnant she'll be happy. I newly recently grieving wanting-to-be-mother does not want to hear any *Stuff* like her sister, friend, female co-worker or anything like that is pregnant. She probably didn't even want to see commercials come on the t.v. that had mothers with their children. Granted yes the way she talked to her sister was not very nice at all, but you cannot blame her for her feelings. Hell women who have miscarriages go through a similar thing like PPD. It has now been many years since my miscarriage and everytime I try and find out that I'm not pregnant it hurts more and more until you just get to the point on just giving up. It has been 8 years now since the last time I was pregnant. Hearing happy news about someone else being pregnant especially when you want to be a mother is just not something you want to hear when you are still in your grieving state. To this day I still have a problem being around my neices and nephews for long periods of time. And it really sucks to see these little young girls walking around with these babies not because they wanted them, but just because at the time the were getting their "little pleasure time" and oops here comes a baby.

JeepsterQT 5 years 3 days

my sister and i have had some terrible times and now we don't speak to each other.....mostly it was her fault for the reason we fought...but i would give anything to give her the billionth chance to make it up to me. I think FORGIVE.

silverhalo 5 years 4 days

I don't know anything about your relationship with your sister, but you most likely WILL be forgiven. Blood is thicker than water... if she was ANYONE ELSE, you would never be forgiven. But she is your younger sister. But man, you've got to beg for her forgiveness. You've got to grovel. I know you were in a lot of pain, but shutting her out for MONTHS AND MONTHS when you needed you the most -- that's gonna take a lot of time to mend. Good luck. I think you should be forgiven, if you put all the effort in from now on to be as supportive as possible.

Volleychic77 5 years 2 weeks

You know I really believe that everyone deserves forgiveness even if they don't ask for it. But this was an incredibly bad way to handle what was going on. Obviously you were dealing with a lot of your own personal pain, but that was no excuse to hurt your sister even more than she was already hurting seeing as she was ALONE with her baby with no help from anyone. I really feel like you were probably being very selfish and it is good that you now realize that, but I also believe that you owe her more than a simple apology.

starinajar 5 years 3 weeks

Your attack against your sister was completely out of line. It wasn't as if she was rubbing it in your face, saying or implying 'I can get pregnant and you can't, haha'. You also haven't even mentioned if she knew that you were having trouble getting pregnant. If she didn't know, just think about how much you hurt her, and she must be wondering why you lashed out at her to begin with. You've just created more problems for her since she was worried to begin with of having a child. I'm not sure if she'll forgive you, what you said to her really hurt her. I don't think I could blame her for not forgiving you. However, if she does, you'd have to do and say a lot to prove to her that you didn't mean what you said. It might take her a long, long time for her to forgive you, and I also wouldn't be surprised if she didn't want you around her baby when he or she is born. Even then I don't think she would ever forget what you said. She would probably feel very insecure as a mother, perhaps unreasonably so.

luvofashion 5 years 4 weeks

i think u should write her a letter and express how u were feeling at that moment (when she told u her news) and why u reacted the way u did, just let her know how u feel and am sure she would eventually come around after all u all are sisters. good luck!!!

supermommie 5 years 6 weeks

You are sisters forever. The two of you need to talk about it. Tell her how much you love her and the baby and that you will be there if she needs you. Explain your pain at your loss. She will understand. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.

tearsfromthesky 5 years 6 weeks

forgiveness is tough! so i did not vote..and i will not say what i think on the matter. but i want to say this! how could you do that to her? after all the pain you went through and all the torment you felt, you went ahead and made your sister feel the same way! why?!? instead of standing by her, and maybe being a mom to your niece or nephew in place of the jerk that should be there for his child!! because you cannot have kids...does that mean she should never have a child?!?!

Jennifer777 5 years 7 weeks

I voted "Forgive" but you need to realize that due to your actions it is going to take time...a lot of time...and I am not even talking about what you said but rather the choice you made in cutting off contact for 8 months. I have had a miscarriage so I do understand the hurt and pain that go with it. It also took my husband and I nearly a year to get pregnant. During that time my little sister got pregnant, the father is not in the picture. (Her chances of getting pregnant were slim to none and slim had left the building.) She did agonize over telling me and initially my parents had wanted her to put it off in hopes that I would get pregnant before they had to tell me (they live in a different state.) In the end she did tell me right away because SHE IS MY LITTLE SISTER AND HOW COULD SHE NOT?!?! As her big sis I am the one she comes to for advice and support. I could not even imagine the devastation she would have felt had I reacted as you did. She was already in such an unstable and stressed emotional state that I am not sure she wouldn't have lost her baby. I did get pregnant a few months later but while my pregnancy has been super easy hers has not, I am not sure how she would have coped without me reassuring her... Send your sister a card...send her one once a week. Let her know that you are sorry and that you think she will be an amazing mother. Let her know that it was your grief and your jealousy that made you react the way you did. Keep asking her for forgiveness until she either forgives you or let's you know that nothing you do will ever make things better. Good luck and stay strong.

Sammi_784 5 years 7 weeks

What's done is done. You cannot go back and change the past, however bad you feel about it. Focus on the future. Don't give up with your sister. If she won't speak to you, write her a letter and tell her how sorry you are, why you reacted the way you did and how you will be there in the future for her; she deserves an explanation at least. She may not listen at first but you are holding out the olive branch, eventually she will come round. It won't be easy and it will take time but in the end it'll be worth it. I hope things work out for you.

KristinDaBomb 5 years 7 weeks

Not forgive. That was a pretty shitty thing to do.

amers230 5 years 7 weeks

i voted undecided, mostly because i think everyone should be forgiven, but you seriously messed up. it was one thing to lash out at her like that when she initially told you she was pregnant. mean and petty, but understandable. you had just been through a trauma and noone would expect you not to take something like that roughly. the part that i think is really f**ked up is how you shut her out of your life for eight months. to me, that's the unforgiveable part. this is the time in your sister's life where she needs you most and you opted to ignore that out of petty vengeance. hopefully your sister will find it in her to forgive you. until then, i say write her a letter explaining everything, but don't force her to talk to you (don't call every day, etc.) chances are it'll take a really long time but it's been my experience that new babies tend to bring families closer. hopefully that'll happen in your case.

sunshowers83 5 years 7 weeks

You know, I still don't see why this woman is on HERE asking for forgiveness from a freakin website poll. People wouldn't be treating her so harshly if her only question was, "What can I do to make it up to my sister?" Instead, her main question only seeks to validate her own sense of indignation. She says she tried to make it up to her sister once and it didn't work, so pffft... what now? Shouldn't I be forgiven? I deserve it, don't I? THAT is what I find unforgivable.

bellydancinmary 5 years 7 weeks

I'm very sorry for your miscarriage and I do understand that you resent your sister for having the ability to produce a child that you seem to have difficulty with. You shouldn't have treated her the way you did though. You have your husband to support you, and while your sister was trying to be sensitive to what just happened to you, she needed you. There isn't a father or a supporting husband in her case, she's pregnant and ALONE. You abandoned her when she was there for you, in addition to abandoning her in a time of need! You took your anger out on the wrong person, and what you should have done is seek professional help (there is nothing more devastating than a mother losing her child, I'm sorry for your loss again). I'm not surprised that she slammed the door in your face, you committed the ultimate sister-code betrayal...abandonment. It's going to take a lot of hard work to get her forgiveness, the least you can do is be there for her through her pregnancy, since she is having her first child and probably is terrified. You should take everything that she has to say to you in consideration, and actively take the steps towards becoming sisters again. If she sees that you are trying, she will see that the relationship is worth salvaging and I truly hope you two can glue the broken pieces together and make your relationship whole again.

vinlf 5 years 7 weeks

wow

GlowingMoon 5 years 7 weeks

Not Forgive. What you did was highly immature, and at your age, that's a character flaw. If I was your younger sister, I wouldn't want you back in my life either. Who knows down the road what would set you off again? What if my kid got into a good school, and your kid didn't? Due to your jealousy, you most likely turn on me again. You cannot be happy for others, especially if it's something you covet and don't have. Why would anybody, if they truly think about it, want you in their life? You're toxic. Do your sister a favor, and leave her alone. She's better off without you in her life.

vinlf 5 years 7 weeks

I am really undecided. I can understand how your sister feels and don't blame her a bit. This is her time. She came to you when she needed you and you tossed her out on her fanny. Then again, I can see your point too. Not that you hurt her of course but the pain you felt at losing your child. That was not your sister's fault, even if she did know that you were having trouble. I really feel as though everyone else has it right, you need to have professional help and I say that in a kind way. Maybe once you have been receiving treatment you could ask for family therapy and your parents and sister may try to mend the fences with you.

blingbling 5 years 7 weeks

Little Mascara and Stef - because some women - some couples - want to have their own biological child - the product of their love and unity. Accepting the fact that your body cannot provide that for you is a very long and difficult journey. So the answer isn't always as easy as "just adopt." You're right - there are plenty of kids out there who need good homes. But it's not the answer for everyone - at least not in the beginning.

La Belle 5 years 7 weeks

u should be forgiven.....loosing a bay (especially a baby you wanted so badly) isnt easy!! u made some terrible mistakes but u need to aplogize repeatedly and show her endless supports even if she ignores u, continue to try and help, because if you never stop trying you cant fail right? eventually she will forgive you...and will know u love her.

StefaPie 5 years 7 weeks

LittleMascara, I totally agree. I've actually decided not to have biological children because there are so many kids already out there that need good homes. We could keep making new people, but why not try to take care of the ones that are already here too?

chicaparati17 5 years 7 weeks

One word: THERAPY

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