Stopping a Marriage: I Don't Support My Little Sister's Wedding

Group Therapy: I Don't Support My Little Sister's Wedding

April 17, 2010

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

My little sister is getting married in the fall. I'm her maid of honour, but no matter how hard I try, I just don't feel good about this wedding.

I admit that I was jealous in the beginning since I'm older and my boyfriend and I just aren't there yet, and nor will we be for a while. However, I really put a lot of effort into dealing with these feelings and I've made peace with myself.

It took a while to figure out what was going on, but I now know that I don't feel that her fiance is ready. He's a great guy and great as a boyfriend, but I just don't feel he's right for the husband/father role (and they do plan on having children right away). He's 25 years old and has yet to hold a full-time job. He owns a business where he works from home and teaches businesses how to market themselves by using Facebook and Twitter profiles. He's been at it a year and has some clients here or there, but really doesn't bring home that much money. He frequently goes to his mother for financial support. My sister, on the other hand, has a great stable job and I know she'll be quite successful. I'm really worried for her that she will be the primary breadwinner and mother, while her future husband sits around at home all day and plays on social networking sites.

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78 Comments

dikke kus 3 years 6 days

Well there were a lot of insightful posts before mine however I have to stand on the side of basicallly staying out of it. No one really takes advice from anyone in matters of the heart. They might listen, or be hurt, but basically people make thier own decisions and thier own mistakes. Its silly to think she'll just turn to her fiance and say I'm calling off the wedding becuase my sister doesn't trust you enough.There is a small little place, an hour of your time where you could say, JUST ONCE, and softly, if you have any doubts sister, be honest with yourself. I will always support you no matter what and I love you always. Thats all you have to say. Those are the only words that will make any difference. The future is a wide open unknown and there is no way to change much of that, for better or for worse.Good luck to you on your boyfriend anyway. I would focus on your lifefuture now.

dikke kus 3 years 6 days

Well there were a lot of insightful posts before mine however I have to stand on the side of basicallly staying out of it. No one really takes advice from anyone in matters of the heart. They might listen, or be hurt, but basically people make thier own decisions and thier own mistakes. Its silly to think she'll just turn to her fiance and say I'm calling off the wedding becuase my sister doesn't trust you enough. There is a small little place, an hour of your time where you could say, JUST ONCE, and softly, if you have any doubts sister, be honest with yourself. I will always support you no matter what and I love you always. Thats all you have to say. Those are the only words that will make any difference. The future is a wide open unknown and there is no way to change much of that, for better or for worse. Good luck to you on your boyfriend anyway. I would focus on your lifefuture now.

AlyCarolina 3 years 1 week

jgchris1981 I did not read all of them but someone did mention it and i agree... no successful company starts right away you start building from down up not the other way around. You have already told her what you think so just drop the subject before she regrets making you her MOH you are suppose to help her not make her feel like she is making a big mistake or stressing her out before the wedding. If she decided to marry him its because she loves him, you don't just marry someone with out loving something about him, he might have quality's that she likes plus at the end of the day she really wont care what you think because she loves him and its the guy she wants to be with. You should be happy that she found a guy that loves her and treats her right or what do u want for her a rich man that can provide for her and her children and MIGHT be a good dad and not a good husband?? That wont treat her like she deserves??

AlyCarolina 3 years 1 week

jgchris1981 I did not read all of them but someone did mention it and i agree... no successful company starts right away you start building from down up not the other way around.You have already told her what you think so just drop the subject before she regrets making you her MOH you are suppose to help her not make her feel like she is making a big mistake or stressing her out before the wedding. If she decided to marry him its because she loves him, you don't just marry someone with out loving something about him, he might have quality's that she likes plus at the end of the day she really wont care what you think because she loves him and its the guy she wants to be with. You should be happy that she found a guy that loves her and treats her right or what do u want for her a rich man that can provide for her and her children and MIGHT be a good dad and not a good husband?? That wont treat her like she deserves??

jgchris1981 3 years 1 week

I didn't read all of the replies but a good 2/3 of them. Did anyone talk about if this guy ends up really successful!? I think you should but out if the only issue you have against the guy is how much money he makes NOW! Is that the only reason you and your boyfriend aren't married? If that's it maybe you should really spend more time on your own relationship than your sisters. I don't know the full dynamic of your relationship but you should not tell her that crap! What if he ends up doing great, wins the lotto, finds a truck load of cash! Then you think he'll be right for her!? The most important thing is to find someone who will love you through the UPs and DOWNs! Who is not using you.

jgchris1981 3 years 1 week

I didn't read all of the replies but a good 2/3 of them. Did anyone talk about if this guy ends up really successful!?I think you should but out if the only issue you have against the guy is how much money he makes NOW! Is that the only reason you and your boyfriend aren't married? If that's it maybe you should really spend more time on your own relationship than your sisters. I don't know the full dynamic of your relationship but you should not tell her that crap!What if he ends up doing great, wins the lotto, finds a truck load of cash! Then you think he'll be right for her!?The most important thing is to find someone who will love you through the UPs and DOWNs! Who is not using you.

luisamapacha 3 years 2 weeks

Your analysis of how "ready" her fiance is sounds ridiculous. You're obviously just projecting your own issues on to her relationship. Let me guess - you love your boyfriend and would marry him in a second, but he's convinced you that you're not "ready", and he's been putting you off till he's done with school/makes more money/can afford a house, etc. It's a bunch of crap and you know it. He doesn't want to marry you, and it's time to move on. Stop ruining your sister's happiness over your own lackluster relationship.

luisamapacha 3 years 2 weeks

Your analysis of how "ready" her fiance is sounds ridiculous. You're obviously just projecting your own issues on to her relationship.Let me guess - you love your boyfriend and would marry him in a second, but he's convinced you that you're not "ready", and he's been putting you off till he's done with school/makes more money/can afford a house, etc. It's a bunch of crap and you know it. He doesn't want to marry you, and it's time to move on. Stop ruining your sister's happiness over your own lackluster relationship.

JoeTyndall 3 years 4 weeks

Vanilla and Pink, I do not think it is because she sees other people getting engaged, I think it is because of basic insecurities that your sister has. The way to answer the question would be to take an in-depth look at your sister's insecurities.

JoeTyndall 3 years 4 weeks

vanilla and pink 3 years 4 weeks

Just to clarify with everone:This was my sister's concern that she brought to my attention before the engagement. The problem is that nothing gas changed in their relationship but my sister seems to think that her boyfriend will magically be all better. They have been dating for almost five years now.Perhaps I've been too vauge. This is not an issue of money or success. I don't care about who makes more money, but I do care that there is equal contribution and I do care that my sister makes a well thought out and rational decision,Joe Tyndall:I don't know exactly where this fantasy land is coming from either. I wonder if it's because my mom and her best friend are getting married and I also moved in with my boyfriend at the same time. But again, this us all speculation. Altough her fiancé did propose two weeks before my mom's wedding. Sometimes I wonder if she pressured him.

vanilla and pink 3 years 4 weeks

Just to clarify with everone: This was my sister's concern that she brought to my attention before the engagement. The problem is that nothing gas changed in their relationship but my sister seems to think that her boyfriend will magically be all better. They have been dating for almost five years now. Perhaps I've been too vauge. This is not an issue of money or success. I don't care about who makes more money, but I do care that there is equal contribution and I do care that my sister makes a well thought out and rational decision, Joe Tyndall: I don't know exactly where this fantasy land is coming from either. I wonder if it's because my mom and her best friend are getting married and I also moved in with my boyfriend at the same time. But again, this us all speculation. Altough her fiancé did propose two weeks before my mom's wedding. Sometimes I wonder if she pressured him.

3 years 4 weeks

When will we get over the whole "men need to bring home the money" idea? Obviously she has a stable job, but if she didn't, and he did, would you feel that she wasn't ready? He may end up being a great stay-at-home dad someday, which is more than you can say about a lot of men. And at least you can assume that since she is the one with the money, she has more control of the relationship, so if she wanted to walk, she could! I hate to say it, but it sounds like your still jealous and were just searching for something to nitpick about this guy.

Elbee 3 years 4 weeks

Is it only your sister's fiance's job prospect your worried about Vanilla?

bengalspice 3 years 4 weeks

Initially, I thought this post was going to be about the guy's maturity level, or his emotional maturity. I didn't expect that you were going to make your future brother-in-law sound like a bum.I don't think you have the right to judge your sister's fiance's ability to support his wife and future family. You can tell your sister that you are concerned about how they are going to handle their financial future, but you can't tell her she's making a mistake or that marrying this guy is a bad idea. Tell her you support her in whatever her plan is. Ask her what her plan is, and reinforce that you are there to talk to about anything. You can't possibly understand the full scope of their relationship, so don't go around telling her she's making a mistake because she's stable financially and he's not.What surprises me is that the reverse situation is never complained about. You don't see help columns where guys are complaining that their future spouse is unemployed or doesn't make a lot of money. I'm sure a lot of women would have broken engagements if guys complained about the earning potential of their future spouses as much as women do.

bengalspice 3 years 4 weeks

Initially, I thought this post was going to be about the guy's maturity level, or his emotional maturity. I didn't expect that you were going to make your future brother-in-law sound like a bum. I don't think you have the right to judge your sister's fiance's ability to support his wife and future family. You can tell your sister that you are concerned about how they are going to handle their financial future, but you can't tell her she's making a mistake or that marrying this guy is a bad idea. Tell her you support her in whatever her plan is. Ask her what her plan is, and reinforce that you are there to talk to about anything. You can't possibly understand the full scope of their relationship, so don't go around telling her she's making a mistake because she's stable financially and he's not. What surprises me is that the reverse situation is never complained about. You don't see help columns where guys are complaining that their future spouse is unemployed or doesn't make a lot of money. I'm sure a lot of women would have broken engagements if guys complained about the earning potential of their future spouses as much as women do.

GregS 3 years 4 weeks

You've had your say. She's stated her belief in her betrothed. It's your time to be supportive and to help her where ever and whenever the need arises. Make sure you're there for her. And if it does fail, DO NOT say "I told you so."

ella1978 3 years 4 weeks

My younger sister tried, six months into my relationship, to tell me that my guy was a loser, and not good enough for me (for her, unless you have a fantastic job making 6 figures, and a fancy car, they aren't good enough for her). She berated him for 2 hours on the phone, and told me that I was mkaing a mistake. I have never gotten over that. My fiance and I are getting married now, almost 4 years later, and I still vividly recall that conversation - and anytime something comes up about him, I get very defensive & I don't take any crap. She has left a ding in our relationship with that conversation. My fiance is 1 year away from getting his degree, he is a fantastic man & can't wait to have a family. I don't want someone who's "married" to their job. I want someone who makes an okay living, but is "married" to their family. It wasn't what she wanted, and was forcing her ideas on me. I'll never forget what she said. If I were you, I'd leave well enough alone. She seems happy. Let them make their own mistakes, IF they make any. Just because it isn't the situation that you would put yourself in, you can't assume that it isn't exactly what your sister is looking for.

ella1978 3 years 4 weeks

My younger sister tried, six months into my relationship, to tell me that my guy was a loser, and not good enough for me (for her, unless you have a fantastic job making 6 figures, and a fancy car, they aren't good enough for her). She berated him for 2 hours on the phone, and told me that I was mkaing a mistake.I have never gotten over that. My fiance and I are getting married now, almost 4 years later, and I still vividly recall that conversation - and anytime something comes up about him, I get very defensive & I don't take any crap. She has left a ding in our relationship with that conversation.My fiance is 1 year away from getting his degree, he is a fantastic man & can't wait to have a family. I don't want someone who's "married" to their job. I want someone who makes an okay living, but is "married" to their family. It wasn't what she wanted, and was forcing her ideas on me. I'll never forget what she said.If I were you, I'd leave well enough alone. She seems happy. Let them make their own mistakes, IF they make any. Just because it isn't the situation that you would put yourself in, you can't assume that it isn't exactly what your sister is looking for.

Elbee 3 years 4 weeks

Seems like a tough situation - you want to voice your concerns but don't want to force your opinion on her too!I am a big advocate of being open about your worries and feelings, especially when it concerns someone very close to you - in your case your sister. I have an older sister too and we both see voicing each others concerns towards each other as a part of the close sisterly bond we have. We both know that it comes from a good heart and that we never mean to criticize. If it were my sister getting married to a guy I have my doubts about, I would tell her, not even to prevent her from getting married, cause in the end it is her life, but to keep the openness in our relationship. I know she'd do the same thing if I were in such a situation, too.If all goes to nothing, make sure you are there for her. From your worries I can tell you love your sister - and sister's should take care of each other. Knowing you will be there for her no matter what will make your sister feel stronger, happily married or not.Good luck!

Elbee 3 years 4 weeks

Seems like a tough situation - you want to voice your concerns but don't want to force your opinion on her too! I am a big advocate of being open about your worries and feelings, especially when it concerns someone very close to you - in your case your sister. I have an older sister too and we both see voicing each others concerns towards each other as a part of the close sisterly bond we have. We both know that it comes from a good heart and that we never mean to criticize. If it were my sister getting married to a guy I have my doubts about, I would tell her, not even to prevent her from getting married, cause in the end it is her life, but to keep the openness in our relationship. I know she'd do the same thing if I were in such a situation, too. If all goes to nothing, make sure you are there for her. From your worries I can tell you love your sister - and sister's should take care of each other. Knowing you will be there for her no matter what will make your sister feel stronger, happily married or not. Good luck!

JoeTyndall 3 years 4 weeks

Vanilla and Pink, The big question, then, is why? Why is she in such a fantasy land about this marriage?

JoeTyndall 3 years 4 weeks

Vanilla and Pink, The big question, then, is why? Why is she in such a fantasy land about this marriage?

vanilla and pink 3 years 4 weeks

Joe Tyndall, You`re right. Her being my little sister has nothing to do with this. I would feel the same way about this situation no matter what the birth order. And no, I don`t normally have a condescending tone towards her. We`re usually pretty open with each other, and share our concerns when we are worried. The even funnier thing is that when she comes to me about my life and feels I am making a mistake, I seriously consider what she has to say and I`ll talk her through it if I disagree. This whole situation is outside of her very rational and logical character. Usually i`m the one making blind decisions based on my emotions. Its very strange to see this role reversal.

vanilla and pink 3 years 4 weeks

Joe Tyndall,You`re right. Her being my little sister has nothing to do with this. I would feel the same way about this situation no matter what the birth order. And no, I don`t normally have a condescending tone towards her. We`re usually pretty open with each other, and share our concerns when we are worried. The even funnier thing is that when she comes to me about my life and feels I am making a mistake, I seriously consider what she has to say and I`ll talk her through it if I disagree.This whole situation is outside of her very rational and logical character. Usually i`m the one making blind decisions based on my emotions. Its very strange to see this role reversal.

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