Spending Christmas With Boyfriend's Family

Group Therapy: Should I Spend Christmas With His Family?

October 8, 2011

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend (age 28) invited me (26) to live (not together) in the Midwest. Later this month, we'll have been together for four months though we've known each other for almost a year. He invited me to spend a week in his hometown in Utah for Christmas with his family. If I didn't come from such a close family, I would not be at all hesitant about going. But I am very close with my family.

My parents are both very old-fashioned and over-protective. Although they know that I'm not a virgin, I know that if I were to tell them I'm spending the night at his apartment (about a half hour away from my house), they would get extremely angry and say I have no respect for myself. We both have busy schedules and are only able to see each other about once a week so when we do see each other, I want to give him my undivided attention (which I would do even if we saw each other often) and want to spend as much time as I can with him. My parents don't understand this, however, and get upset if I don't text them throughout the night letting them know that I'm okay and then they'll text me at 9 or 10 p.m. saying it's late and I should be home by now.

What I want to know is, how can I bring up the possibility of spending a week with him and his family? Also, I kinda feel like this is a big step in the relationship, but I would still like to go. If I do go, this will be my first Christmas away from my family (ever since I can remember, we have always had big Christmas family parties with my mom's side of the family), my first time on a plane, and my first time away from home. Thoughts?

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9 Comments

mimi2012 23 weeks 5 days

don't go to to utah. not because it will upset your parents but because it's too soon!

kurniakasih 1 year 32 weeks

I tend to agree with the others (to go with bf and spend Xmas with them). What made me wonder about this 'umbilical cord' though, are you by any chance still dependent financially with your parents? Just wondering b/c there are those who live apart with parents but still have parents footing their bills...

karlotta 1 year 32 weeks

You're 26, stop acting like you're underage.

Sweet Melissa 111 1 year 32 weeks

You need to cut the apron strings. I'm inclined to tell you to spend Christmas with his family just because I think you need to experience being away from your own.

ChrissyLee 1 year 32 weeks

In terms of going for Christmas, I think it's a big step to spend an entire week with someones family when you haven't been together long. You will probably wind up hurting your family a lot with this decision. Is there another time you can make this visit? After the holidays? Or go just for New Years or a few days on the back end of his trip. That could lessen the pressure. As for your parents, they are controlling you and not allowing you to make your own decisions. This is an unhealthy relationship and will only cause more problems in the future. You need to let them down gently. Tell them you can still talk to them every day, but they don't get to tell you when to go home. If you want to spend the night with your boyfriend, that is your choice. This behavior is holding you back more than you know and must be stopped!! You are 26, not 16 and they need to realize that.

juicebox07 1 year 32 weeks

I agree with luckyduckyy. Whatever decision you make needs to be what YOU want. Don't worry about what your parents will think. This is your life, not theirs.

lcrox07 1 year 32 weeks

Dude I totally agree with luckyduckky. I'm 22, and I'm actually in the same situation as you. But I would also not go with him this Christmas. Just stay in with your family. But you do need to do something about the whole being on check mode thing.

luckyduckyy 1 year 32 weeks

Well that was ridiculously long. Woopsies.

luckyduckyy 1 year 32 weeks

Fist of all, YOU ARE 26!!! Oh my goodness. You need to cut the umbilical cord already; it's long overdue. There are your parents, you, and your boyfriend. You are all separate, with your varying thoughts and opinions about what should or could be happening in YOUR life. Your parents don't want to let go of you, for whatever reason. While they may know you are a virgin, they no doubt don't agree with your decision to have sex. They are very much against it, aren't they? Why is that? Don't you think it's a little weird that your parents are so invested in your life? Well, guess what? They don't have to be! You don't need to reason with them, or try to get them to understand you. You just need to assert yourself, and let them know they can't control you. They're not over-protective. They're controlling. You aren't close; you're smothered by them. First of all, going back to the original question, don't go so far to hang out with this guy and his family for the holidays. You haven't known him for that long, so there may be many more opportunities to spend the holidays with him. Taking a big trip away from your family for someone you've been dating for only 4 months (it doesn't matter that you've known him for a year. That's still a short time), is a big deal. I sense that because your family was and is so over protective (NOT "close," close is a good thing. What you have is bad), you just don't know what to do with your life. You're so scared to tell your parents about what you want to do, for fear of....what exactly? Just what will you lose? Perhaps your parents will be mad at you for a while. Perhaps they'll threaten to never help you when you need them, kick you out of the house, whatever. Maybe they'll say they love you and they have your best interests at heart. Bullsh*t. You're 26 and should know by now what you want and think is best for yourself. You're the one who should be calling the shots. I also came from an overprotective family. My parents refused to ever let me do anything outside of the house, save for going to school every weekday. I didn't have a curfew because I wasn't allowed outside. And friends were rarely allowed inside because my father "didn't like people coming over." When I went to college- Ivy League- farther from home and started living there, they wanted me to drop out and attend a closer state college. They threatened me with all kinds of things, tried to put me down and tell me I was a bad daughter for things they made up (that I was promiscuous, and drinking and smoking pot....all lies).It was mostly my father, but my mother fed into all of it. Your parents, like mine, are doing these things to get a hold of you. Your parents are old-fashioned and over-protective, are you? No, then do what you've got to do. I did what I had to do, and although many people would say I'm young (20), oh well. I moved out. I still visit, I don't call them every single night or text every night, and any time they try to control me again, I put them back in their place- as my parents, who can guide me, but not control me. Anyway, I know you asked one "simple" simple, but in your question and descriptions, I saw something else, an even bigger problem (which, to me, is the only thing that can be fixed. everything else is directly related to that problem). Honestly, your parents will never let you go visit your bf without huffing and puffing and putting you down, possibly threatening you, and you'll be so scared that you'll never go. It'll never happen, and deep down, you know it. If you want to go, then go. I think you shouldn't go, although for other reasons unrelated to your parents. But in the end, you are the one deciding what you want for yourself.

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